AIBU to think sex is a duty to your partner?

[2weanornot2wean]

Barring physical and mental illness, disability, and other extremes like loss/grief/high stress.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner? I'm not talking every day, or even every other day.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy, straight up rejected, and made to feel like a sex pest for wanting physical contact with your life partner?

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse, but I can't help but shake the feeling that OK we might not all be ravenous for sex all the time, but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

Read all OPs posts

The OP is a woman.

I think you have a duty to your spouse to care about all their needs and take them seriously – including the need for intimacy. That's where you should start to then get on the same page. It's when they don't care or engage is the real problem.

Definitely not a duty.

If it feels like a duty there's something wrong in the relationship. I enjoy sex and wouldn't be in a relationship without it

lol an entitled bloke has definitely wrote this

Well this thread has made me feel even more shit than I already do, which I didn’t think possible.

Menopause has completely robbed me of libido; that, and the stress of caring for a young adult child with a disability.
However, I’ve been with DH for 35 years, I love him and we share 5 children, property, have had many happy times and have navigated difficulties well together. Apparently all that is meaningless to many posters here: if he’s unhappy with the lack of sex he could, and should, just end the relationship and find it elsewhere. Bang. Just like that.
Sex is the be all and end all of a relationship it seems, nothing else need be considered. Not your friendship, home, family, your years together. All meaningless if not cemented by sex.

I don't think anyone owes sex to their partner but I think a healthy relationship should have enough of it. I'd be very annoyed if I was constantly being told I'm too tired etc. Intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship.

look at it from another POV.

The needs of the high drive partner weren't being met with my Ex. However, nor were my need to be loved, cherished and cared for. He gave zero regard to my emotional support needs.

If he wanted his sexual needs to be met, then i had every right for my emotional and physical needs to be met.. help with the kids, help carrying stuff (as i said, in pain, i have a disability) not to be yelled at for not keeping the house EXACTLY as he wanted, not to be belittled or made to feel less than.

His NEEDS weren't being met because his behaviour clamped my vagina shut.

As the other poster said, sometimes you have to look at WHY your partner doesn't want to sleep with you. It may be they're ill, or tired, or just plain don't fancy you any more. It could be because you're acting like an asshole.

I think many posters don't understand the nuance, do they? There is so much more, in a long and loving relationship.

You can obviously have a loving celibate relationship. The problem arises when one person doesn't want to be celibate and views sex as part of a loving relationship. For some, it feels unfair to spend the rest of your life sexless. That's not to say that many couples can't live without sex and I'm really happy for those who do.

Jesus Christ, obviously I’m not saying if someone doesn’t want to have sex for a bit then their partner should leave. But ultimately if your expectations are mismatched and there is no work on either side to address it then your relationship will be in trouble!

it is ok to want more sex. It is ok to say no to sex, even if you haven’t had it for a year, and if anyone tells you you owe it to them then they are flat out wrong. But if either of those people ignore the impact that has on their partner and don’t communicate about it then that will have consequences. If you’ve talked about an ongoing difficulty and both partners are on the same page, that is not the same as the op’s situation where her partner is refusing to engage, and it is ok for the op to feel like she doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore.

Again, with nothing else taken into consideration? Sex is still being treated as the most important part of a relationship when it’s just one piece of many in the jigsaw.
Is it OK to leave an otherwise great relationship, especially if it breaks your young DC’s hearts, forces them to move from their lovely school, out of their home and friends etc. just because you want a few more shags than your partner, for whatever reason, is able to give at that time?

I agree, and talked upthread about the perils of modern society, isolation and monogomy.
But i do think it's tragic within a long marriage ( the poster i quoted) the natural ageing process meaning some very normal loss of libido would cause a partner to leave.
Intimacy can be found in a number of ways, and sexual fulfilment can be masturbation or some form of non piv sex, as @DadJoke spoke of earlier. Edited to add again about love and communication being key ( and in the Jolly household, a fair bit of humour around the subject)

Exactly my situation (including disabled adult child) but a few years off 35 yet, but not that many.

As far as I'm concerned, you can leave a relationship for any reason whatsoever.

For some people, sex is part of a loving relationship and sexual intimacy is an integral part of that. Sexual rejection can be devastating and it's very difficult for the uninterested party to understand how much it effects you.

However that's not to say that celibate relationships can't work. They obviously can and some people are very happy in them.

If their sexual needs aren't being met, yes. Sex is an extremely important primal urge. It's a part of a healthy marriage. It might not be to you. But if it is to your husband, you need to let your husband go to be happy. You can't have it all your own way. Your husband is a person with needs, too. And his wants and needs are important, too. If your husband is happy with the setup of being in sexless relationship, fine. Great. But if he's not, you should let him go to be happy.

Saying "sex is a duty" is the same as saying "rape is acceptable".

No one is ever obligated to have sex when they don't want. I can't believe this is even a topic that we are discussing in this day and age!

I don't believe it is fair to ask someone to go the rest of their life without sex if they want it.

So, you either do it, or you have an open arrangement or you leave.

It baffles me when a partner (man or woman because I've seen both here) says they aren't bothered about sex and then just expects the other to get on with life without it.

I don't believe anyone should be having sex if they don't want to though, as it never works long term.

Yabvvu op

I thought this was mumsnet not Gilead.

If your partner doesn't want sex you should look to see if your pulling your weight, showing affection and consideration etc. it's rarely just a gone off but maybe more about what's changed.

I can't reply to every comment obviously but I don't want to leave my partner. I love him with all of my heart, we share a home and a child and in every other aspect we are happy. We play games together, enjoy relaxing together, going to festivals and museums, spending times with our child and families, there is so much more to our relationship than just sex.
When we do have sex, he enjoys it (I think and hope), he just doesn't seem to ever need it the way that I do. Not anymore at least.

When I was pregnant we had lots of scares and didn't have sex for more than 15 months in total and he didn't masturbate or need it at all. He 100% does not watch porn, I know that for a fact. I have no issue with him watching porn, though, because I do.

I will look into the books and medical solutions that people have recommended, thank you. Although, I've been researching options at this point for a few years on and off, I can't make him help himself. He knows how it makes me feel but he shuts down when I broach the subject.

I hate feeling like a predator, and that's how he makes me feel. He rolls his eyes or I can feel his body tense up when I suggest going to bed early that night. I think he loves me and I hope he still finds me attractive. I am carrying around an extra stone that I never lost after birth but equally he is not a super muscle man either, we're both quite comfortable as far as I know.

Sorry again for any bad feelings I've dragged up for anyone. I don't sulk if he says no. It just feels so personal. He says he is tired or not up for it. I don't know what I can change to make him not tired or more eager. He's not into lingerie or sex toys anymore. Maybe he's secretly depressed or something. There is no other woman. I'm not even 30 yet.

Sorry for ramble!

If their sexual needs aren't being met, yes.

This is what I’m trying to establish… is sex the most important aspect of a relationship? Clearly to some, yes.

But if he's not, you should let him go to be happy.

If my DH (or anyone else’s) would genuinely be “happy” to abandon their spouse, home and family just for more sex then yes, I guess they should go, and good riddance to him, frankly.
But I know he wouldn’t because I’m a best friend, wife and partner to him, not just a vagina.

Well, one would hope that the partner who wants sex to actively communicate before upping and going. And also, it's not for anyone to 'let' another person go. @FailureAsWife please don't let this derail you. It sounds like you are under enough stress already. It also sounds like you and DH have this covered anyway.

Exactly the same. Dh is much more likely to want or initiate sex than me. If it was a hard no he would stop. But mostly if I'm a bit meh I get into it once we start. And unless I really really don't want to I will do it because I love him and value our relationship.