AIBU to think sex is a duty to your partner?

[2weanornot2wean]

Barring physical and mental illness, disability, and other extremes like loss/grief/high stress.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner? I'm not talking every day, or even every other day.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy, straight up rejected, and made to feel like a sex pest for wanting physical contact with your life partner?

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse, but I can't help but shake the feeling that OK we might not all be ravenous for sex all the time, but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

I think its a reasonable expectation that the person you marry will want to have sex with you with reasonable frequency as lifestyle, age, health and other commitments permit. When this isn't the case, your choices are to accept your disappointment in light of any other advantages the relationship brings you, or decide to move on. I don't think anyone should have sex from duty. The damage to wellbeing and the relationship itself can be significant over time. So if you are the reluctant partner you should remain true to yourself and let your partner decide which option they want to take in respect of that.

"If he's not having sex with you, he's having sex with someone else"
And this is why women are surprised when we end up in a sexless AND intimateless marriage. Because as girls and young women we are told that ALL men are rutting stags who are only after one thing. Its bullshit and its gender stereotyping And usually this website does not like the latter....

except when it comes to sex

The comment you replied to didn’t say “a few more shags though” did they, they said completely sexless which is completely different

Have you sat down with your DH and told him how you are feeling? Rather than just keeping quiet and getting upset about it.

I do really feel for you and can understand why you are feeling low about it, you don’t have to brush it under the carpet. You are allowed to say that you’re worried about your sex life. There may be a reason DH doesn’t want it, and that should be addressed x

The trouble is the definition of a sexless marriage is sex 10 or less times a year. Which is ridiculous Thats not sexless Sexless is no sex at all.
We dont say that someone who has 10 or less glasses of wine a year is teetotal.

No, it isn’t, but equally you are free to end any relationship you want if you are unhappy, for whatever reason.

So if not having sex is a deal breaker for you, you’re free to end a relationship.

What’s not OK is pressuring the other person into sex, sulking about it, or, at the extreme, resorting to violence. It’s also not OK to be unfaithful because you perceive a duty isn’t being fulfilled.

Your choices if you are unhappy are either to make your peace with it without putting pressure on the other party, or to end the relationship.

Read your updates - so everything I said before I still stand by.

You just have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you or not. You say you love him - does that love out weight not having sex? If it doesn’t, then your only choice is to end things. There is no option of “stay with this person but have them be a different person” (ie one who wants sex as often as you do).

They are who they are.

I think forget about the statistics and focus on each individual relationship. Would I divorce DH for not being up to having sex for 6 months because he was going through a rough time? Absolutely not. Would I divorce DH if every time I initiated sex for the last 3 years he didn’t want to. Yes.

Every person is different, it’s ok to not want any sex, or only want sex once a month, or once a year, it’s also okay to want sex every day. Neither person is “wrong” and no one should be forced to have sex. But it’s okay to break up if your sex limbo doesn’t match. Personally I would say the person who wants more sex will be the one who has to compromise

To some degree yes i think it is a duty for both , most relationships are conditional regarding sex unless you both entered the relationship choosing for it to be nonsexual ,there is an unspoken agreement that you will be sexual with each other.
If you are a match and you love each other , on the occasions when you are feeling a bit cba but decide to go for it anyway knowing it will be a mutual exchange of pleasure resulting in a stronger relationship as a whole generally then i think it is a reasonable thing to do.
As long as there is mutual respect acceptance and kindness in your relationship and you want to be with your partner then i think the odd occasion of 'duty' sex is fine.

And also instigate any break up which some find very hard to do.

I'm a woman married to a woman she is older than me but l have just gone through menopause. She definaltly wants more sex than me, she gets sad when l turn her down all time. Sometimes l just say yes even though I'm not really in the mood. I always end up enjoying it. I don't think it's a duty, but you l think if l don't make an effort we will basically be room mates

Eww, no. Just no.

I've been in a relationship that was massively sexually mismatched. He wasn't interested and I've a high sex drive. I stayed far longer than I should, and would never do it again.

DH and I match very well. We've not had a dry period in the 10 years we've been together. However, if something changed and he suddenly didn't want to I wouldn't immediately up and run. I'd try to discuss it first, figure out what was going on and if anything could be solved.

If it couldn't, I'd probably end up leaving him. Quite honestly, sexual intimacy is an extremely important part of a relationship for me. I'd not want to be with someone who rejected me long term or forced themselves to shag me. And quite honestly, I'd expect the same thing.

This is not including something medical, obviously. Something medical that can be worked on and solved is different - as long as the partner not wanting to have sex is working with treatment, etc. If someone just decides one day "ah well, I'm happy to be without sex now", then that's not fair on their partner. I also think that the relationship should be looked at, too. There are lots of women juggling all of the housework and life admin while their "partners" skive off, and if that's the case then it's no fucking wonder they don't want to shag him. My focus here is on an equal relationship.

However, I don't think anyone should force themselves to have sex. But they have to realise that their partner might not be willing to live with that. It's not fair to remove something so important from a relationship and expect someone to be okay with it.

So, not having sex with your partner is emotional abuse??? Disrespect???
Is that also the case when it's a man wanting sex and the woman doesn't.
Ridiculous post.

Oh FFS! You clearly did not read either the OP's post, nor my responses.

It's the rolling of the eyes, and the recoiling from her that shows the contempt and cruelty, emotional abuse and disrespect.

Not merely the lack of sex. His response to her in the way he rejects her.

If your partner rolled his/her eyes at you when you wanted closeness sexual or non-sexual, and physically recoiled from your touch, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?!??

Christ.

English comprehension and critical thinking is dead.

Plus the "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you"

Did OP say he “recoils”? I’ve not been able to find that in their posts - they definitely said “his body tenses up when I suggest an early night”.

My marriage vows said we were joining together in the delights and tenderness of sexual union. I distinctly remember that as it is so fucking cringe.

One of the reasons my relationship with the father of my children ended was because he reduced sex to one of my domestic duties. He expected it at least once a week, no matter how tired, touched out or even if I was unwell.

Sex isn't a duty.

Foreplay always starts outside of the bedroom for us women. If I came home to a spotless house, shopping done, kids sorted, no questions and all I had to think about what getting into the bath then I’d have so much more energy to put out and actually enjoy it. I do enjoy it but would enjoy it more rather than waiting for it to be over and done with out of necessity and to stop any whinging. Cluttered minds and too much crap outside of work is a huge factor so pick up your share and I’m sure you’ll see a huge difference. Easy to get in the mood when you aren’t juggling household stuff, work stuff and want time to yourself every night which most of us never get to unwind.

Yabvu sex should NEVER be a duty it should only ever be a mutual pleasure enthusiastically consented to

That.

to want sex to be a duty is a way to not care for your partner. You’d have the result with no effort whatsoever. If one doesn’t want sex, it is because something is going on. The duty is for the partner to find out what that is. Not to probe an ancient thinking to get what he/she wants.

YABU

Op, I don’t think you are being unreasonable, your partner is being neglectful, inconsiderate and selfish, which is failure to fulfil his duty as a husband. It is his DUTY indeed to be considerate to your needs, and feelings ,and make you feel loved and desired. Sex is so very important , it’s far beyond just a physical need. I get it. Not bothering to make you feel desired and wanted can be incredibly damaging to self esteem and mental well being , and obviously to the relationship. It is his duty to get off his phone, and do all it takes to make you feel loved and cherished and satisfied, and keep the relationship balanced & healthy (especially with so much on your plate job, toddler, etc..). What a #},>€$!!! 😊

( these days too many people find it easier to lazily solo than to make the effort to make love to their partner, not okay! Failing their DUTY to love and to cherish and be a team player definitely ! YANBU

Gosh, you’ve opened a can of worms on here, OP.

My DH has a higher sex drive than I do. It wasn’t always the case, but the menopause did for me.

i don’t think it’s my duty to have sex with him, but I do think relationships are about give and take and compromise. So, yes, sometimes I have sex with him when I’m not particularly in the mood, because I love him. And sometimes he’ll pick me up from the station after a long day at work, or walk my dogs for me because I’m knackered. He doesn’t necessarily want to do those things either, but does it to be kind. There will be some who’ll be appalled by that, I’m sure, but I think life is often more nuanced than threads on MN would have us believe… (I mean, there are some people on here suggesting you might have been coercive; others accusing your DH of emotional abuse…)

I don’t know what the answer is if your DH won’t discuss it with you. My DH and I do talk about it; I know he’d be over the moon if I genuinely wanted a lot more sex, and in all honesty, I’d probably be relieved if he said he never wanted sex again — but as it is, we manage, because we love each other and each want the other to be happy.