AIBU to think sex is a duty to your partner?

[2weanornot2wean]

Barring physical and mental illness, disability, and other extremes like loss/grief/high stress.

I.e. in regular, healthy relationships, both happy and fairly young, do you owe sex to your partner? I'm not talking every day, or even every other day.

How many times does 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' fly before you just get pissed off with never being approached for intimacy, straight up rejected, and made to feel like a sex pest for wanting physical contact with your life partner?

I hope no one insinuates I am referring to being forced to have sex/rape, because that just isn't the case. I would never force anyone to do anything they don't want to, especially intercourse, but I can't help but shake the feeling that OK we might not all be ravenous for sex all the time, but even if you can't really be arsed, do you see sex as sort of a duty to your partner?

My husband walked all over me and prioritied his mother over me for a decade. He also let his mother and sister bully and humiliate me until I cut contacts with them. He made no amends, done nothing to make up for the shit he put me through and expects me be “be normal” because interference stopped (it didn’t. I cut them out)

Do I owe him sex?

Usually the withholding of sexual intimacy has its roots in something else. If I were in this position, I’d check with my partner that their other needs are being met. Long term sexual relationships ebb and flow, there shouldn’t be a rota or expectation placed, that’s not sexy at all.

No one owes anyone sex, or has a duty to provide it, and I think people can and should feel upset about that particular phrasing. Implicitly, if something is mutually consensual there shouldn't be a sense of obligation involved, you're not filing a tax return!

A relationship should be able to weather seasons of less sex e.g. small children, unwell partner, stressful period of work.

A relationship won't survive a permanent disparity in sex drives. So, your husband does not owe you sex op, but you deserve a relationship where you feel desired and loved in that way, and it is a legitimate reason to leave.

No one should have sex out of duty.

But if they don't want to have sex, in a committed relationship, the duty is to explore the reasons why to see if those reasons can be tackled together. For example, if one person is perpetually exhausted - can the other help lighten their load any?

i have tried couples therapy and it doesnt help

People are very contradictory about this.

You can’t say that something is a reasonable expectation and you would leave a relationship if you didn’t have enough of it, and yet it isn’t a duty. What are the options of someone who wants to maintain the relationship but wants less sex?

There are only two ways of squaring that circle, one person occasionally has sex as a ‘duty’ or every relationship where sex drives aren’t (roughly) equal comes to an abrupt end.

Of course, there is nuance within this. There is doing it where you aren’t totally up for it but know you will get into it, and there is doing it when you can’t think of anything worse (which is obviously wrong).

But I do think people try to argue two opposite points (no one should have duty sex and they wouldn’t accept a dearth of sex) simultaneously.

A duty? Sounds a bit handsmaidy to me

Yes I think I do think that.

I struggled with passion with my ex, but did still do it because it would be mean not to. We didn’t do it “enough” really, and in the end I did end the relationship.

My current partner was married to quite a selfish woman (in most ways) and one of those ways was that she wouldn’t have any intimacy with him. Promise sex, then not deliver, wouldn’t hold his hand, or cuddle or kiss or anything. He was miserable, he thought it was his fault. He tried everything to be romantic, to get some affection. It never worked.

He is delighted now he can cuddle me in bed and not have to lay back to back with no interaction.

If BOTH partners are happy without intimacy, that’s fine. But to deny someone a basic need and also keep them from finding that happiness with someone else is quite cruel from what I’ve witnessed.

I think you can say that a partner who wants less sex has a duty to engage when their partner wants to resolve an issue, and the partner wanting more sex has a duty to address their spouse's problems or concerns when they don't want sex. The relationship contract is to work together when there is an issue.

But two people who have low sex drives can be happily married without having regular sex. it's not actually a necessity for a functional marriage, the necessity is listening to each other and being willing to put in effort to address the disparity. No one is obliged to have sex they don't want, that doesn't change by saying that no one is obliged to stay in a relationship where they are not getting what they need. I'm advocating for good communication and empathy rather than someone having miserable duty sex once a fortnight to limp along a marriage that's clearly not working!

@Lemonyyy ,

‘No one is obliged to have sex they don't want, that doesn't change by saying that no one is obliged to stay in a relationship where they are not getting what they need.’

But that is a contradiction. What if someone wants to remain in a relationship and is happy in every other way but wants less sex? Their choice is ‘duty sex’ or their partner leaving because their ‘needs’ aren’t being met. There isn’t really a third option.

(Of course, I totally agree that good communication is the key to all aspects of a relationship, but it doesn’t change the fundamental dichotomy).

Did you read the OPs second post? And what on earth do you mean by “people with high sex drives are the problem.”? Lots of other posters have given nuanced and insightful comments about how adult relationships function and that sex for most people is an important part of that. Masturbation is not sexual intimacy with a partner you love and care about. Wanting the person you love and are in a committed monogamous relationship to want to have sex with you is quite normal.

I’m also not sure how you got to the point about insecurities and self-worth. Perhaps this is ‘just’ about physical intimacy with your partner, lots of people like and want that. Saying - it’s ok, you still have value even though your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you. Erm, ok! Did OP suggest that she didn’t feel like that? I think she wants to feel desired by her husband who she desires. That’s not a self esteem boost it’s a healthy relationship.

And the incel movement is really about female hatred and not really applicable in the circumstances of a woman feeling sad that her husband doesn’t want to have sex with her.

I have sex with my partner when I’m not really feeling it-I do it because I like the intimacy and closeness and making him happy. It’s a deliberate choice I make when I don’t particularly want sex. He’d never sulk if I didn’t or throw a strop-he’s just such a loving caring dh, I want to-even when I don’t.

Maybe they have a medical issue? Low testosterone?

Surely the third option is the partner who wants more sex can compromise with less sex.

....are you a Penis owner OP?
The only people I know to speak like this generally have a Penis, which also in their mind means they don't know how to use the dishwasher, washing machine, cooker or hoover.

Sex being a duty is also a bit of a rapey opinion.

My DH can self reflect all he wants but peri-monopause killed my libido stone dead.
I love him and fancy him but have no desire, it's nothing to do with him or how much housework he does. It's a problem.

Nope, not unless the partner accepts doing a minimum of 50% of the drudge work without having to be reminded. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Funny that some posters are still not reading further than the OP and replying as if she is a man.

@Sugarplummama Exactly, that is the other option. Which is surely better than duty sex..

Because people who are in a relationship where one party wants significantly more intimacy than the other aren't usually happy in every other way....

If the mismatch between your sex drive is new, it's almost always indicative of another problem, either within the relationship or a general life stressor. If a couple aren't willing to work that out and weather it for a bit then their relationship isn't working on other levels.

Edit: I'm changing sex to intimacy higher up in this post!

I think this is an interesting question.

In general I think part of being in a committed relationship is making an effort for your partner and doing things for them that you would otherwise choose not to do. Your do these things and make these sacrifices because you've chosen to make someone else's happiness partly your responsibility.

But sex feels like quite a different sort of thing to most things.

Sex shouldn’t be a duty no but I do find it baffling the amount of times I see on here that people are absolutely shocked and dismayed that their partner has strayed after months (and sometimes years) of dismissing their advances for sexual interaction.

If you don’t find your partner sexually attractive you are at most just best friends.

@Lemonyyy ,

‘If the mismatch between your sex drive is new, it's almost always indicative of another problem, either within the relationship or a general life stressor. If a couple aren't willing to work that out and weather it for a bit then their relationship isn't working on other levels.’

Well, I tend to agree with this, but you can’t simultaneously argue that sex is a ‘need’ that should be met, as you did.

Because clearly, if it is, the person who is temporarily not having their ‘need’ met has every right to leave. And their partner might not want that.

I know that what you mean is pretty sensible but there is nuance around it, and those who state duty sex is always wrong but that people should have their sexual ‘needs’ met in a relationship are making a contradictory statement.

Obviously not. Your marriage problem isn’t the sex.

OP, what sort of man are you to accept (and expect) sex from someone who only does it out of duty, without any genuine desire?

If you see sex as a transactional part of the relationship no wonder your partner does not feel particularly excited about doing it with you