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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these messaged are unfair

233 replies

Overwhelmed79 · 23/09/2024 22:49

I'm away with work (from Sat to Tues). I have two young kids at home with DH (their dad)

I've organised a family friend to come over Monday and Tuesday mornings to help get them dropped off to school so H can get to work on time (he could manage it timing wise but it would be tight)

H is showing zero interest in what I'm up to even though this event is big for my career. He doesnt pick up or any any questions

But he is sending me the odd message about how upset my 3 year old is and how much he misses me. He messaged "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know. I'm trying to help but he wants you" and then going silent.

I can't leave early. I don't want to leave early.

H will say he's just telling me what's going in at home but I feel he's being unfair. I feel guilt reading these messages

Am I being unreasonable to think he should keep it to himself? I'll be home tomorrow!

OP posts:
HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 23/09/2024 22:54

When I've been away my husband has told me when children are missing me, but been sure to include lots of happy things and fun photographs. And he wants to know how I am and how it's going.

Being very charitable, maybe he wants you to know you're missed and loved? Worst case, he's being manipulative and cruel. Or it could be somewhere in the middle - just plain thoughtless.

Either way, it needs a conversation.

ComeOnThenFanny · 23/09/2024 22:54

This stuff makes me so angry.
He's trying to make you feel guilty and worried. What would you do if it was the other way round? You'd just get on with it, right?

Don't leave. Don't give in to it.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2024 22:57

You should be absolutely raging over this. Your husband is acting like a giant fucking man baby, deliberately trying to make you feel guilty and essentially punishing you for forcing him to be a parent. It's absolutely ridiculous that your friend is coming over to help him, btw. He's not a toddler.

You should shut this down immediately. How fucking DARE he. You would never do this to him, I'm sure.

areallmotherslikethis · 23/09/2024 23:00

Act nonchalant.

Breeze in tomorrow and scoop up your kids and don't even acknowledge his messages.

Don't let him know you feel guilty.

When you're home, composed and ready, let him have it.

ComeOnThenFanny · 23/09/2024 23:01

He'll be sending you videos of the kids crying next. Unbelievable behaviour. I really hate (some) men sometimes.

AmeliaEarache · 23/09/2024 23:03

He’s being an asshole because he’s pissed off that you’ve gone on a work trip and he has to parent his own children.

He’s sending these messages to make sure you’re full of guilt and worry. This is to spoil the trip so you don’t do it again.

I’d be extremely pissed off if my DH tried this shit. YANBU

Original poster
Overwhelmed79 · 23/09/2024 23:03

I shouldn't have arranged my friend to come over but I feel guilty and I just did it! Of course it was me who booked breakfast club, me who wrote lists of the clothes they need today and tomorrow.

I think its that he's not interested in anything to do with me either. If we were talking every day about things and he said "the kids miss you" - fair enough. But he's basically ghosted me (if a husband can't ghost you) but with just random guilt messages!!

If I let him have it - he'll say I'm being ridiculous- he's just telling me the kids miss me.

OP posts:
Rerrin · 23/09/2024 23:06

Rip him a new one as soon as you get home, and tell him if he ever pulls that shit again, you’ll divorce him and he’ll have to parent his own children solo 50% of the time with no help from your friend or you writing lists so he remembers to dress them.

SD1978 · 23/09/2024 23:06

He's being an arse and trying to ruin your conference, because he's having to pick up some slack, whilst still having you take care of the details. He's a little man who can't be pleased for you, and wants you to feel miserable, whilst he's doing the bare fucking minimum as a parent.

Alalalala · 23/09/2024 23:08

He’s being a selfish, whinging, boring, sexist dickhead. Sorry OP. Stay at your event, celebrate your ambition and achievements, and never let him impinge on them.

ilovesooty · 23/09/2024 23:10

He sounds like a manipulative grade A shit to me, and an inadequate man who's totally unsupportive of your career and disrespectful of you as a human being.

FictionalCharacter · 23/09/2024 23:11

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2024 22:57

You should be absolutely raging over this. Your husband is acting like a giant fucking man baby, deliberately trying to make you feel guilty and essentially punishing you for forcing him to be a parent. It's absolutely ridiculous that your friend is coming over to help him, btw. He's not a toddler.

You should shut this down immediately. How fucking DARE he. You would never do this to him, I'm sure.

Yep. He's punishing you because you dare to have a career and make him look after his OWN CHILD for a few days, and trying to make sure you won't do it again.

Derwent01 · 23/09/2024 23:13

@Overwhelmed79 Why did your dh have children if he didnt want to parent them ?

bettbburg · 23/09/2024 23:16

He's pathetic. Lists and a friend coming over to help ? He needs to grow up and learn how to be an adult and a parent.

Messen · 23/09/2024 23:19

So he has female handmaidens and paid child carers coming in to do the female work while you are away and he is still not happy? Yack.

Original poster
Overwhelmed79 · 23/09/2024 23:21

I just don't know what I'm supposed to say to "DS is crying for you".

I said "ah poor DS. Give him a kiss from me"

And now H is ignoring me.

I guess he wasn't happy with my response.

He makes me feel so bad. But I know I should be able to go to work. I'm the main earner. H wants me to make more money! I can't be in two places at once!

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/09/2024 23:22

'That's a bit worrying that he's so upset, being looked after by you. When I get back we should probably make sure that you spend more 1 on 1 time with him, so he can get used to it so it goes a lot better for both of you next time I'm away'

VerityUnreasonble · 23/09/2024 23:22

When you get back tell him you've been thinking about his messages and it's a worry how upset the DC seemed, they obviously aren't used to him looking after them alone if they "just want you". You know he is capable and they are fine, so they must just need more practice to feel comfortable. So, you've planned a few weekends away / trips to help build their confidence.

Then go have some lovely trips, with friends or alone. Write no lists. Keep doing it until the messages read "DC doing great".

Thunderpants88 · 23/09/2024 23:25

I’d go one further.

“I have been invited to stay an extra day at the conference as a few interesting clients want to take me out for a meal and to chat. This will be good for your relationship with the boys as I plan to do this more often so you will have to figure out how to comfort them-as their Father.

big hugs and see you Wednesday”

sprigatito · 23/09/2024 23:25

He's emotionally blackmailing you because he resents the fact that you have things to do other than cater to him and the children. Deep down he believes your place is at home, not pursuing your career. I don't say LTB at the drop of a hat, but I don't think I could live with a misogynist. It would turn my stomach.

whynotwhatknot · 23/09/2024 23:33

sounds like guilt tripping to me-youre the higher earner but still ddoing all the mental work

telling him what lothes to put on your kids getting in extra help? he sounds pathetic

MonsteraMama · 23/09/2024 23:36

Ugh I hate men like this, how can you have any faith in him if he can't manage his own children alone for a few days? It's pathetic.

Original poster
Overwhelmed79 · 23/09/2024 23:38

He didn't ask me to ask my friend to help - he just seemed resentful or I felt guilty - so I did it.

It's weird because he makes me feel guilty, but then if I try to talk to him and say "you make me feel guilty" - he will tell me I've made that feeling up in my head.

OP posts:
NiftyKoala · 23/09/2024 23:40

I would send a message to him that this needs to stop. You need to do what you need to do for your career which benefits the family. Do not let him make you feel guilty. It is such a gender thing. If it was him away you would not be ridiculously trying to upset him you would simply take cate of the children and your job and be happy to see him after the trip was done.

whynotwhatknot · 23/09/2024 23:41

youre entitle to ffeel how you want how dare he