To think these messaged are unfair

[Overwhelmed79]

I'm away with work (from Sat to Tues). I have two young kids at home with DH (their dad)

I've organised a family friend to come over Monday and Tuesday mornings to help get them dropped off to school so H can get to work on time (he could manage it timing wise but it would be tight)

H is showing zero interest in what I'm up to even though this event is big for my career. He doesnt pick up or any any questions

But he is sending me the odd message about how upset my 3 year old is and how much he misses me. He messaged "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know. I'm trying to help but he wants you" and then going silent.

I can't leave early. I don't want to leave early.

H will say he's just telling me what's going in at home but I feel he's being unfair. I feel guilt reading these messages

Am I being unreasonable to think he should keep it to himself? I'll be home tomorrow!

ha you're too nice.

my message back would be, "imagine if I died and your life was like this 24/7"

John Gottman (relationship therapist) says that contempt is the death knell of a relationship. You can’t have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone who holds you in contempt or who you have contempt for.

Contempt can be unearned (for example. your husband’s contempt for you seems to be grounded in jealous and envy rather than bad behaviour on your part) but sometimes it develops as an authentic loss of respect in response to a person’s consistently poor or irresponsible behaviour (IMO your husband’s guilt-tripping and blame-deflection ticks the box).

Either way it’s a deal-breaker. Your marriage needs serious re-evaluation.

I would honestly be saying its concerning that your children arent happy with their father, perhaps this is highlighting that you need more one on one time with them.

It is concerning for you that you felt you needed to essentially organise everything and their own father isnt capable of picking things up solo for a few days but im guessing its an indicator that despite being the main earner, you are also the main parent, house manager, organiser etc because otherwise he would just be able to pick up the slack.

If you want to stay in this relationship, this should give you pause for thought and help you consider addressing the shortcomings that have caused this. A man should be capable of doing his share of parenting without help, lists and a bunch of organisation. I would be deeply concerned if I couldnt just leave for a couple days and my Husband needed any level of managing.

He makes me feel so bad. But I know I should be able to go to work. I'm the main earner. H wants me to make more money! I can't be in two places at once!

He wants you to work like you have no children, care for the children like you have no job. And probably look like you have neither.

While he needs a babysitter to drop the kids off.

I think you need to have a serious conversation when you get home. Print out the whole message thread and talk to him about your feelings and his feelings.

What you do is keep pushing your career, ignore his attempts to try to limit his own involvement in his children's care, and set yourself up to be in a good place to leave if things don't improve. It's possible that if he spends more time looking after his own children he will become more invested in family life, gain some childcare skills and lose his contempt for you. Whether you can or want to forgive him even if that does happen, is a different question.

Mr Cunt E Misogynist needs booting out.

Tell the wanker it is his fault you have to work and travel because he doesn’t earn enough to support his family.

If he wants you on home duties, then he needs to provide enough financially to make it possible.

I would lose my shit at him. How bloody manipulative. It's time he got to know his kids and how to parent, obviously.

Not nice at all!

Thank him for doing all the childcare

Good grief, don’t thank him for looking after his own children! He hasn’t even done all the childcare- op has had to draft in a friend to help in the mornings to help the useless fucker out!

He sounds awful op and I’m getting the Ick just reading this. I cannot imagine my dh ever trying to guilt trip me using my dcs if I went away or belittling my achievements. Because he’s secure in himself and doesn’t need to build himself up by dragging his partner down. He should be championing you, not making you feel like shit.

At the very least you need to completely ignore him but ideally you’ll leave him as he sounds thoroughly nasty and misogynistic.

Your husband is s prick

If you are too scared to send any messages that call him out on his manipulative shit, and the fact that he wants you to earn more while he is doing as little as possible with his own kids, then you are in an abusive marriage.

You are being abused.

Just think about that for a while.

He is on at her to earn more.......

I would take the wind out of his sails by saying "Poor DS. I think I need to go away more regularly like this so he bonds better with you so he doesn't miss me so much..."

I’m gonna go with a classic, @Overwhelmed79

Christ what an arsehole.

He sounds like he was trying to guilt trip you when parenting gets a little too real for him.
Of course you're not coming home early.
He needs to be able to care for and entertain the kids and reassure them. He also needs to reassure you he can parent the children alone for a few days without endless drama.
His attitude, while possibly born from frustration on genuinely feeling out of his depth, is not a good look.

Sadly the contempt your husband is showing you is not a good sign. It's unlikely to improve over time. Due to your updates it doesn't sound like he is supportive of you and that's horrible, you sound great.

Is your relationship otherwise good? Because sometimes when you already feel mom guilt for being away it casts a shadow over the tone of the messages which may not be his intent. For instance if I sent that text to my DH that the kid really misses him and doesn't want me etc, he wouldn't read it in a negative way at all. He'd be happy that they miss him and offer to pick up a toy for them on the way back.

Of course if your DH is not like that then the messages are meant to make you feel bad.

He wants her to earn more…and stop travelling for work…and be at home for the kids…and…and…

Short version - definitely a lazy dickhead, probably a cocklodger.

YANBU, they are very unfair. But I think you need to compartmentalize a little. Unfortunately, you would have probably felt guilty even if your DH was the most supportive one ever, as well as excited, happy, fulfilled and empowered for the event and what it means for your career. You said it’s the first time away for so long, your kid is attached to you… So, even if your DH’s attitude is feeding into the guilt. I would acknowledge the guilt feeling would’ve been there anyways, as it sounds. Then you can keep it moving.

You then have two DH problems: as a dad (having to make his life easier by taking the mental load off him, even involving a friend is so problematic!) and as husband (not only he doesn’t support you, he undermines your job to your face. All of it while you are the main earner and he expects you to increase your income!). If you remove the guilty feeling, and focus on what he is doing, which is manipulating, you very much can respond with some of the suggestions.

YABU for not doing something because he gaslights you. Specially if he ignores your texts, I would:

• acknowledge: I miss DC too, or something like that
• pass the ball to him (I am sure you made DC’s favorite dinner, you are going to read DC’s favorite book tonight)
• say something exciting about the event, even if he doesn’t care
• Remind him of something he needs to do in a high level way (so it directs the attention to the task and is not you keeping the mental load) - remember to have DC ready for the activities tomorrow
• more lovely messages to your DC

Once at home you can see what to do with the man, he is not worth having around but up to you.

None of this is your fault, but next time you go Id leave him to it with none of that organising and supporting you've done this time. All the time and effort you're putting in isn't appreciated so why make your life harder. It also feeds into the mental script in his head about how you are responsible for everything in regards to the children.

Tell him if he is trying to break your confidence then he is doing a good job
Tell him it is great to know you are missed but can he not lay it on so thick and can he show some interest in your career or otherwise shut up with the domestic black mail

When I first went away my OH didn't tell me anything except they were having a great time. Was a little unnerving tbh.
However a year later he caved and admitted it was super hard!!!! But he didn't want me to worry or detract from my trip

I am so thankful he did that.
I also don't organise anything for him or the kids when I'm away. He organises his own back up childcare, own food to cook and if gifts are required or cakes baked, he organises it.
Suggest you do the same. Then he will be too busy to Moan

Have. A great trip

Is this person made up? He sounds like the biggest dick in the world. Ask him to send you a happy video and if he doesn't then he actually mus hate you. You would have a better time raising your child on your own.

My (now ex) husband did this is on the rare occasion I had a half day (freelance) job away from home or would phone in an angry panic if I took my computer to work\ write outside the home. I now recognise this relationship was abusive and this was an extension of a wider controlling pattern. He meanwhile would be away for weeks with work and send photos of incredible landscapes and hikes, swimming with dolphins and expect me to show and tell the kids. He still does the latter but I just ignore them and when he's asked I've suggested he show and tell in his time with our children.

If your husbAnd is an otherwise decent man then a conversAtion Iain order. It is natural for children to want their mother or whoever is their main carer. Maybe reframing this as an opportunity for dad and kiddies to bond. Listen to your gut: is he being maliciously manipulative? Is he overwhelmed and being thoughtless? Is he envious and resentful, lashing out without much awareness?

What do you mean when you say..he wants me to earn more? Is he actually pressurising you about that? Has he actually said it?