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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these messaged are unfair

233 replies

Overwhelmed79 · 23/09/2024 22:49

I'm away with work (from Sat to Tues). I have two young kids at home with DH (their dad)

I've organised a family friend to come over Monday and Tuesday mornings to help get them dropped off to school so H can get to work on time (he could manage it timing wise but it would be tight)

H is showing zero interest in what I'm up to even though this event is big for my career. He doesnt pick up or any any questions

But he is sending me the odd message about how upset my 3 year old is and how much he misses me. He messaged "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know. I'm trying to help but he wants you" and then going silent.

I can't leave early. I don't want to leave early.

H will say he's just telling me what's going in at home but I feel he's being unfair. I feel guilt reading these messages

Am I being unreasonable to think he should keep it to himself? I'll be home tomorrow!

OP posts:
BananaGrapeMelon · 24/09/2024 04:13

He sounds like an absolute twat OP.

Given you're the breadwinner, the sooner you break up the better. Otherwise any money you earn from now on with have to be shared with him when you do split. Better to have a clean break now and sort out the finances.

Codlingmoths · 24/09/2024 04:15

Can you honestly not message him ‘i was hurt by you saying I’m talking nonsense and calling it work. I am also really disappointed, I thought you had more respect for my career and how hard I’ve worked than that. Please stop messaging me about how upset the children are and concentrate on being a great dad to them, it’s only for a few days. We can talk about this more when I get home, I think we need to have an honest talk about expectations and mutual support.’

I have a great career. I’ve just dialled into a board meeting from holiday, dh packed the kids up and took them out for a couple of hours so I could take the meeting, no issues at all. If I didn’t feel supported very strong words would be had.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 24/09/2024 04:19

Overwhelmed79 · 23/09/2024 23:03

I shouldn't have arranged my friend to come over but I feel guilty and I just did it! Of course it was me who booked breakfast club, me who wrote lists of the clothes they need today and tomorrow.

I think its that he's not interested in anything to do with me either. If we were talking every day about things and he said "the kids miss you" - fair enough. But he's basically ghosted me (if a husband can't ghost you) but with just random guilt messages!!

If I let him have it - he'll say I'm being ridiculous- he's just telling me the kids miss me.

I get why you did all the organising for him- because you want your children to be ok, but the fact you felt you had to speaks volumes as to how crap your husband is. That’s without the shitty guilt tripping he’s doing. By all means say that the kids miss you but if it’s not followed up with “I told them you’ll be home before they know it” etc it screams manipulation. And telling you they’re crying for you while you’re not there and can’t do anything about it is just blatant. I might think he’s just a thoughtless plonker but these are the only messages he’s sending so he seems to just be twisting the knife.

Oscarbravoromeo · 24/09/2024 04:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Zanatdy · 24/09/2024 04:47

I’d have a chat with him when you’re home and ask him why he’s trying to make you feel so bad over this. It winds me up so much. It’s always been hard for me to travel, but my ex has spent 7yrs of the kids childhood overseas, then when he’s meant to be back until our youngest is 18 he announces he’s off again next year. Absolute joke. Winds me up when men try and make their wife’s feel bad like this because they have to look after their own children on their own. I certainly wouldn’t have got someone in to help him either, sure he could have managed to get his own kids ready for once.

ZekeZeke · 24/09/2024 04:49

If the house is an absolute tip when you get home I wouldn't be surprised.
That will be another punishment for you leaving!

LunaNorth · 24/09/2024 05:01

Stop rescuing him. He’s being an absolute dick.

When you get home, ask him how he expects you to earn more money AND do all the parenting AND be at home all the time?

Tell him he has to pick up some slack, somewhere. Can he learn to shit money, perhaps?

And when he strops off, which he will, just let him. In fact, I’d go and open the front door for him, just as the last favour I ever do him, because he probably can’t use that knob properly either.

GreenWheat · 24/09/2024 05:09

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/09/2024 23:22

'That's a bit worrying that he's so upset, being looked after by you. When I get back we should probably make sure that you spend more 1 on 1 time with him, so he can get used to it so it goes a lot better for both of you next time I'm away'

Absolutely this. Your DH needs to work on his ability to look after his children since you're likely to go away again in the future.

Billybagpuss · 24/09/2024 05:16

I also think you will get home to find a tornado has hit your house and there will be mess everywhere.

you definitely need a proper conversation when you get back.

Codlingmoths · 24/09/2024 05:24

Ottersmith · 24/09/2024 03:01

Is this person made up? He sounds like the biggest dick in the world. Ask him to send you a happy video and if he doesn't then he actually mus hate you. You would have a better time raising your child on your own.

This is a good idea. ‘Send me a happy video, they surely aren’t miserable 100% of the time you’re looking after them?’ He won’t want to argue yes they are because of how shit that makes him look.

but after you send something saying how you feel like I suggested above.

Ger1atricMillennial · 24/09/2024 05:24

OK OP... inital outrage aside and pithy quips aside, what do you want to do?

He is upset that you are not there. Considering your reaction and excessive pre-planning I am assuming you have been doing the lionshare of the caring and this is the final straw for you.

Do you trust your DH to look after your kids without any intervention from a female), and then ask yourself why?

Be honest with yourself has he ever had the chance to look after the kids without your input, or has he just not engaged with them at all and priortised other things and any opportunity?

If he is the lower earner and you have the potential to earn more it makes complete sense that he is the carer from now on. How does that make you feel?

If these questions are hard for you to answer you can speak to a friend or even EAP service if you have one. The fact is this wont change unless you do something different. What that is will depend on what you want.

Good Luck.

LimeLace · 24/09/2024 05:42

If that was my husband I would also be concerned about what is he saying to the DC while you are away. It’s so unfair, women should be able to go away for a night or two (leisure and/or work related) without worrying about the other half’s behaviour and attitude, especially regarding the children.
Good luck with the rest of your work trip, OP.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 24/09/2024 05:47

The more you post, the worse he sounds

Buffypaws · 24/09/2024 05:51

Tell him you’re not coming back

EI12 · 24/09/2024 05:52

He is cruel and destabilising. It is unfair to unsettle you with insignificant things (noone is in hospital, right?) when you are working to provide for them. Nip it in the bud, you have to. Either nip it in the bud or you will have to chuck your job - otherwise you will go into a spin.

Eviebeans · 24/09/2024 06:07

Overwhelmed79 · 23/09/2024 23:21

I just don't know what I'm supposed to say to "DS is crying for you".

I said "ah poor DS. Give him a kiss from me"

And now H is ignoring me.

I guess he wasn't happy with my response.

He makes me feel so bad. But I know I should be able to go to work. I'm the main earner. H wants me to make more money! I can't be in two places at once!

Your last paragraph here made me feel so angry on your behalf
what does H do to contribute financially to the household?
what do you think is behind his apparent need to guilt trip you?

bananabread2000 · 24/09/2024 06:10

He's being very unkind. I was out for dinner and drinks with friends a few weeks ago and when i messaged to see how the kids were my husband told me all was fine and to enjoy myself. When I got home he admitted my 2 year old had been crying for me all evening and was very upset at bedtime but my DH didn't want me to feel pressured to come home early.
It seems to me that your husband doesn't like that you're away and is using the kids to manipulate you into coming home/feeling bad. He needs a good talking to!

babyproblems · 24/09/2024 06:18

Agree with all the other posts he is guilt tripping you deliberately and sounds like a crap partner. And expects you to earn more!! What a shit. Honestly op you deserve better and someone who sees you as their equal and someone who respects you for all that you do. This man doesn’t. Terrible example for his kids aswell imo. Big talk when you get home. If he can’t step up or change really I would be thinking of what life would look like without him.

Agree aswell that your house will be a shit tip when you get home as another punishment for you going away. Will he have tried his best to be a great parent? For just a few days. I doubt it. Wishing you lots of luck xx

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 24/09/2024 06:23

He is an arsehole. He doesnt want you to succeed.

next time dont treat him like a child with lists and organising things for him.

Edingril · 24/09/2024 06:23

He can say what he likes you don't have to take it on board, that is under your control

MsAbigailWhitton · 24/09/2024 06:24

Appleblum · 24/09/2024 02:08

Is your relationship otherwise good? Because sometimes when you already feel mom guilt for being away it casts a shadow over the tone of the messages which may not be his intent. For instance if I sent that text to my DH that the kid really misses him and doesn't want me etc, he wouldn't read it in a negative way at all. He'd be happy that they miss him and offer to pick up a toy for them on the way back.

Of course if your DH is not like that then the messages are meant to make you feel bad.

This is completely different though. Men don't feel guilty about going to work. And your text to him about the kids missing him also lands as flattery, what a wonderful father I am, I'm such a good guy, what gift can I bring them on my triumphant return.

Totally different intentions from this incompetent specimen.

MrsMorrisey · 24/09/2024 06:26

Sounds like a bit of a sook
Just ignore it and talk about it when you get home.

MrsMorrisey · 24/09/2024 06:28

bananabread2000 · 24/09/2024 06:10

He's being very unkind. I was out for dinner and drinks with friends a few weeks ago and when i messaged to see how the kids were my husband told me all was fine and to enjoy myself. When I got home he admitted my 2 year old had been crying for me all evening and was very upset at bedtime but my DH didn't want me to feel pressured to come home early.
It seems to me that your husband doesn't like that you're away and is using the kids to manipulate you into coming home/feeling bad. He needs a good talking to!

Sound like a normal loving response to you going out and having dinner. My husband is the same, doesn't guilt trip me for anything.

CrumpledBankNote · 24/09/2024 06:31

I find this so sad.

You're a working mum and the main earner. You're doing what you need to do to support the family.

Yeah my husband has his shitty moments don't they all - but I travel for work, he celebrates my successes and we work as a team to build the family life we dreamed of.

It's not easy being left alone with the kids sometimes but they are just as much his kids.

I couldn't imagine working my ass off to provide for my family to then be made to feel like shit for it.

YellowAsteroid · 24/09/2024 06:33

He’s trying to sabotage your career because it’s inconvenient for him. He’s being a real dick.