To think these messaged are unfair

[Overwhelmed79]

I'm away with work (from Sat to Tues). I have two young kids at home with DH (their dad)

I've organised a family friend to come over Monday and Tuesday mornings to help get them dropped off to school so H can get to work on time (he could manage it timing wise but it would be tight)

H is showing zero interest in what I'm up to even though this event is big for my career. He doesnt pick up or any any questions

But he is sending me the odd message about how upset my 3 year old is and how much he misses me. He messaged "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know. I'm trying to help but he wants you" and then going silent.

I can't leave early. I don't want to leave early.

H will say he's just telling me what's going in at home but I feel he's being unfair. I feel guilt reading these messages

Am I being unreasonable to think he should keep it to himself? I'll be home tomorrow!

A textbook example of weaponised incompetence

I agree - is he letting them be miserable because it proves his point of how selfish you were to leave them, or is putting his energy into being cheery and distracting with fun stuff?

Could you think about finding a relationship counsellor to help facilitate a discussion?

I would have a conversation when you are back about how it's concerning that dc are getting upset and how they don't get upset when dh isn't there.

I'd then suggest dh has them on his own a bit more so they get use to being with just him.

Then I'd thank him for flagging it up so now you can both work on dc feeling more comfortable with being left with dh.

OP you need to woman up and stop taking all this nonsense. When he makes a sly comment about your work then the response is "I may be talking shit all day in your opinion, but it brings in the higher wage, so I'd be less critical about it if I was you". Don't be the passive, downtrodden wife. Your DS is young now, but he'll soon be old enough to notice things and he's going to learn that women have to do all the domestic/admin/childcare stuff and men can please themselves and belittle their partners.

Honestly, is there anything positive about this relationship? It sounds like he has no respect for you, and he dislikes having to parent his own child solo. Life is too short to be in a miserable relationship.

Sounds like he needs to be in charge of the kids more often when you're at home. Sound slide he thinks mon-fri grind is your responsibility and 2h of fun on the weekend is his.

Unfortunately you have choose someone who is incapable to look after their own children. When you are back I would tell him that as well. Why is your child so unsettled with his other parent? Is your husband more like a lodger then a parent. What would happen if yous split up would he not have any contact because he doesn’t know what to do. He’s a pathetic man who is guilt tripping you because you are working away.

He sounds emotionally manipulative. I think I would reply, “thankfully DC have two parents!”

Im betting the house will be a state when you get home 🙄.

This 👆don’t give in to the guilt trip! He needs more time alone with the kids if a couple of days is such a struggle.

I'd tell him that luckily for our family finances, my 'nonsense' is much higher paid than his work.

I'd go home and say pretty plainly this

"If I am to continue in this job earning this salary, I will need more enthusiastic support. My work is important to me and having you send me messages telling me the kids are crying doesn't help me focus at work and doesn't help you or them because I'm not there and there's literally nothing I can do to help. It may seem factual to you. It makes me feel bad. So we have a choice, I can stop this work and find a lower paid job that doesn't require me to be away or work long hours. That will then involve us making other sacrifices as a family. Or I can continue, and that requires you to not just deal with the kids when I'm away but also think about how you support and encourage me in this job. Have a think and let me know "

@Overwhelmed79 I hope your work event had gone well, despite your husband's efforts.

I think he deserves very few words - just a variation of 'aaaawww, hmmmmm, bless or 😟 '.

I'm guessing your giving him worried/concerned responses or endless solutions, which just feeds the monster.

This!! He’s being an absolute arse! He certainly shouldn’t need help or lists to be looking after his own children for a few days ffs. What a pathetic father he is.

What is he adding to your life (bar stress)? He’s extremely unkind to do this to you. My family members would probably pull together and help if one parent was away but if nobody was around, the parent at home would just crack on. My cousin works 4 on/4 off and the partner benefits from the wage, but obviously has to do everything at home for the 4 weeks on. I’d be having serious words about your dh’s uselessness.

I really can't stand people who use kids to guilt-trip moms, He's just trying to make you feel bad, and that's not how a good husband should act.

Urgh. He sees you - and women in general - as the help humans. There to service him, basically. Your own life and desires are of no real interest to him. Your role is to support and help him as a wife, mother and income generator.

I am very interested in how he treated your friend. Please ask her. Because, he should have been falling over himself to be grateful to her for showing up to do his job of parenting your DC. But I'm willing to bet he took her help for granted and that was obvious to her.

Is he generally supportive of your job? I think you might be reading way too much into this.

Maybe he is trying to make you feel missed but the delivery is not great. There is plenty of time for him to ask about the event when you get back.

Practice not giving him another thought whilst you are away. It's what alot of men do when away for work bar the odd check in. Act like a man and concentrate on acing your work event. Thinking and worrying about him and the kids whilst you were says will change nothing at home. No 3 year old ever suffered long term effects from their mum being away for three days. (Unless their dad is grossly incompetent obvs). They won't even remember it next week.

When you get back if he whines just say 'I was away for work, which is how we pay our bills. I'm not apologising for it-rigour I don't like being away form the kids/you it's part of my job. it will happen from time to time and you will have to care for our kids and our house when it does, as I do the rest of the time because that's how marriage and being a team works' and that's the end of the conversation.

Meanwhile give some thought as to whether you want to live with someone who behaves this way. He might have redeeming features, in which case fine. But do they outweigh this? Worth pondering. One day the kids will be adults and it will just be you and him. What will that look like do you think?

He's a dickhead, he's undermining you and making you feel less when actually you're more than him, you make more, you're a better parent- do you really need him dragging you down?

This!

We know it's manipulative, why try to say otherwise? OP, as a stranger on the internet, I'll do what your DH should be doing - say best of luck - and well done on what sounds like a really big deal for you.

It is completely shit that you had to organise childcare for the school run Mon and Tues. In reality that shows you to be a great mum, knowing their own dad would be too shit to do a decent school run for them so you've sorted logistics agead. But what a let down as a parent he is.

It is completely shit he is showing no interest in your event - that's toxic - and then it's also shit he's sending manipulative messages about how you're letting down your kids (because that's what his 1950's tone is all about, isnt it?). It's designed to sabotage you at your event. I'm sorry he's being a prick. I'm guessing he acts like this quite often.

He's being ridiculous.

I went away for the week when mine were young and arrived back the day before my daughter's first birthday.

He wasn't the most hands on dad before that but was looking forward to it.

I didn't arrange for a family friend to help him, nor did I leave a list of clothes to wear. We had a few conversations before I left where I gave him a bit of insider knowledge - stuff he just didn't know because I'd done 8 months maternity leave and had only been back at work a couple of months - just cues I'd picked up on regarding the baby that were helpful to know.

I got home after a week to find the children happy and fed, that he'd managed to dress them himself and take them out every day, loads of photos of their week together (before camera phones), he'd done all the laundry, kept the house tidy, made a birthday cake and invited a few family members over for a birthday party and done all the shopping/food prep for it.

I didn't feel guilty once and we were in touch every day. I don't recall whether he asked much about my time away (it was an OU residential) but he didn't once try to make me feel guilty. And he admitted to having a greater appreciation for what it was I did all day.

He's trying to make sure you don't do it again.

It's pathetic but you have enabled it to a degree for getting the friend involved and making lists.

I read on here once of a woman who said whenever she did anything and felt guilt/uncertainty, she would think, "What would a man do?" and then did that.

I think that should probably be what you should do. A man wouldn't feel.guilty about this he'd see it as necessary for work and wouldn't give home a second thought - or, at least, he wouldn't feel guilty for it.

This is horrible and no way to live OP, you're the main earner, you do all the parenting, and he treats you with contempt. I mean very easy to say from the outside but I'd leave him because life is short and he's only going to get worse.

Don't worry about your little one being sad, in that we've all been there. I had to go to China for a week when one of mine was really young and omg I remember feeling like you, but tbh by the day after I'd got back my little one has already forgotten I'd not been there, as we were back together again.

Tbh, I wouldn't even bother with all that.

Of he starts moaning about how hard it was, I'd just say, "Yes, I know," on repeat and, "What makes you think I don't know that? I do it every day."

If he says it's different because you know what you're doing, just tell him that he needs more practice and he'll be better at it next time you go away.

I wouldn't pander to his inadequacies or molly coddle him in any way.

Keep it factual and don't give any indication at all that you'd consider changing it.

Edit to add - I know you're not suggesting to molly coddle him but even presenting changing jobs/earning less as an option might suit him. If he decides that's a good idea, it might make it harder for the OP.

Wow, he said that?! He has no respect for you. Hope you can focus on work and not worry about DS.

Terrible advice. 50/50 cannot be legally enforced. This useless man would do the bare minimum of parenting. See single parent boards if you need evidence.

OP his behaviour is dreadful. He is emotionally manipulating you through your child and resents you being away.