To think these messaged are unfair

[Overwhelmed79]

I'm away with work (from Sat to Tues). I have two young kids at home with DH (their dad)

I've organised a family friend to come over Monday and Tuesday mornings to help get them dropped off to school so H can get to work on time (he could manage it timing wise but it would be tight)

H is showing zero interest in what I'm up to even though this event is big for my career. He doesnt pick up or any any questions

But he is sending me the odd message about how upset my 3 year old is and how much he misses me. He messaged "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know. I'm trying to help but he wants you" and then going silent.

I can't leave early. I don't want to leave early.

H will say he's just telling me what's going in at home but I feel he's being unfair. I feel guilt reading these messages

Am I being unreasonable to think he should keep it to himself? I'll be home tomorrow!

You're being ridiculous! FFS! You want to know what's going on at home and he's telling you! But you only want the happy fun stuff - life isn't like that when one parent is away for 4 days. Especially with a 3 year old 4 days feels like a lifetime!
If this was a man complaining that his wife had told him that his child was missing him and complaining that his wife hadn't asked him what he was doing while she was singlehandedly looking after the children and working he'd be called a man-child, a baby, etc the wife certainly wouldn't be called manipulative!

Absolute nonsense, and you know it. Think you're on the wind-up.

He is gaslighting you. Sounds like a manipulative shit head. He wants you to earn more money when you already earn more than him. What a fecking cheek, the lazy bastard. How can you earn more money if he won't even let you crack on in the career you already have?! I'd say LTB. Have it out with him when you get back and if the response from him isn't what you want to hear then defo LTB. It will only get worse. I feel for you OP.

I don't think its true that you only want to hear the happy stuff. Bald messages of "DS is crying for you" followed by ignoring you, sound like they are aimed at making you feel as bad as possible. Messages about doing your job being "talking nonsense for hours" show complete contempt for the value of your career which keeps the family afloat and for your abilities.
I really felt for you OP in your last post. It is a hard choice to make but so is carrying on putting up with this attitude from him.
I get why it's difficult to challenge him, but I think it's worth it.
My first thought on reading his message about DS is crying was to keep it simple, yet challenging at the same time, "Oh dear! What can you do to cheer him up?" ( on the basis that he probably would balk at reading very long texts - plus the sheer exhaustion of trying to craft them)
I don't think his reaction is that normal. On the rare occasions when I was away, DH was a little bit competitive, spoiling them with lots of treats. He never got around to helping with homework etc but that was OK because I knew they missed me a bit but were happy, and I felt it was part of a team. You'd have to weigh up a continuation of not being part of a team, or having a supportive partner, against your fears of potentially uncooperative co-parenting - which may or may not happen. I think talking through with a counsellor/mediation person to work out if this is an attitude you can fix and ways to do that, or if its something you can't put up with, and ways to build up your alternative support networks would be helpful.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I know I can't talk to him about this stuff. The last time I bought anything up was easter and is resulted in awful awful fights and him telling me I was talking "utter bollocks" a lot. Been together 8 years, and the only time he's ever admitted fault have been times when I have said I'm going to walk away from the relationship - at the beginning when he was still on the phone to his ex at night, and years later when he was shouting at our kid. Both times I was dead serious about walking away and he knew it and he stopped doing both of those things. I had spent months talking to him about those issues and he's been dismissive until he realised I was planning to leave and then he stopped. I just don't have the energy to get to that place again. I've definitely got in the habit of just thinking "you're such an arsehole" in my head and then getting on with my day. His stupid texts are easy to ignore - shouting at the kids was a red line though.

But I'm stuck with him for the next decade whatever I do!

He sounds dreadful OP.
I know you feel you are stuck with him, but I hope you can find someone with real knowledge and advice in real life who you could talk to and who could help you formulate another option, as it sounds like you are at the end of your tether. Dont let him scupper your career whatever you do. Build up support amongst friends and family or childminders to help you.

Every word of this, OP.
Get some real life advice without DH knowing. Talk to a lawyer. His chances of actually wanting 50/50 are pretty low given his reaction to you being away.

Do you mean you're stuck with him as a co-parent until the kids are adults, @Overwhelmed79? There's no reason why you have to be under the same roof for that. Protect your career because it's what will get you and your kids out. You sound closer to the edge than you perhaps realise and it would be better to plan a tactical withdrawal than just blow a gasket and walk out one day.

I hate that shit about having to have multiple rows about something that's obviously unacceptable. And the fact that an ultimatum magically makes change possible is even worse. I don't want to hate on all men, but it does seem to be common male behaviour.