To think these messaged are unfair

[Overwhelmed79]

I'm away with work (from Sat to Tues). I have two young kids at home with DH (their dad)

I've organised a family friend to come over Monday and Tuesday mornings to help get them dropped off to school so H can get to work on time (he could manage it timing wise but it would be tight)

H is showing zero interest in what I'm up to even though this event is big for my career. He doesnt pick up or any any questions

But he is sending me the odd message about how upset my 3 year old is and how much he misses me. He messaged "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know. I'm trying to help but he wants you" and then going silent.

I can't leave early. I don't want to leave early.

H will say he's just telling me what's going in at home but I feel he's being unfair. I feel guilt reading these messages

Am I being unreasonable to think he should keep it to himself? I'll be home tomorrow!

He's not just a Grade A shit. He's a gaslighting Grade A shit. I'd be seriously reconsidering my future with a man like that.

These men are so fucking predictable. Bet the manchild enjoys the money you bring home.

Imagine being this insecure and pathetic as a grown man. I would lose attraction instantly.

it’s weaponised incompetence. He clearly needs to spend a lot more time doing childcare, and you need to spend more time away.

So he wants a mummy to provide for him and is resentful when he has to participate in parenting his children?

What is the point of him then?

Message him back that you’re going to resign and be a SAHM and he can be the main breadwinner as the kids are so upset. See if he replies to that, the prick!!

He is being a shit. He's emotionally blackmailing you.

I would be tempted to text back:
' I'm concerned that you are having difficulty settling the children without me there. I think it would benefit you all to have more quality time together this doesn't happen again. Will sort out some dates when I'm back'

I literally cannot imagine messaging any of those suggestions back, but I'm enjoying them all the same!

Honestly I do think it's unfair to talk me how distraught DS is. He's nearly 4. He is family attached to me and 3 nights is longest I've done but I was feeling bad enough already!

I absolutely agree. I'm sorry to say this, but you chose poorly when you chose to marry this man and have kids with him. I will bet my house that there were fields full of read flags that you overlooked, and now that he's expected to actually be an adult, they are waving in full view.

Op, you have outgrown him, and I bet the blinders have been lifted. Keep progressing in your career because this relationship is not going to make it. You cannot stay married to a man who has contempt for you due to his own shortcomings.

I literally cannot imagine messaging any of those suggestions back

Why?? Why are you afraid to confront your own husband?

@Aquamarine1029 this bit does really ring true "married to a man who has contempt for you due to his own shortcomings". That's how it feels. The better I do the more of an arsehole he is. I called him the first night and he was saying "hope you're having a good time talking nonsense for hours and calling it work" amd stuff like that.

What do I do?

I'm not afraid of him. Just telling him some of the things suggsted wouldn't be anything I felt comfortable saying.

He's being a dick.

DH never tells me they've been asking for me until I'm home, and then oy incidentally. He sends me photos of them doing nice things / being happy.

I bet he's stoking the fire
Oh are you missing Mommy? She's been gone so long hasn't she?" Etc. controlling. How dare you, little woman, go off and leave him to care for his own kids. Get thee to the kitchen!

I literally cannot imagine messaging any of those suggestions back

Why not? It's pretty worrying that he can't look after his own children. He should be told as much.

What a grade A piece of shit he is! I'm really angry in your behalf. He's trying to sabotage your career and punish you for him having to do a tiny bit of parenting.

I would honestly be messaging back to say "please stop sending me messages intended to make me feel guilty for being at work. It is not unreasonable to expect you to care for your own child. You are perfectly able to comfort and care for him."

He does not sound like a nice man at all!

The better I do the more of an arsehole he is. I called him the first night and he was saying "hope you're having a good time talking nonsense for hours and calling it work" amd stuff like that.

My god, he's an arsehole. Belittling you. Fuck that.

God I hate this narrative. Men can go away for work or pleasure and its fine by societies standards. But the second a woman does it gasp everyone loses their shit! My wonderful DH liked to encourage the narrative that I had 'abandoned' our children to work away from home (for a short time frame, no less) & he reveled in this made up scenario that he was this "single, wonderful, dad". To clarify - he spends weeks and months working away from home, but thats ok because he has a penis. Children can cope without their father, but not their mothers apparently.

This is perfect, please use it

Exactly

I literally cannot imagine messaging any of those suggestions back, but I'm enjoying them all the same!

What do you think would happen if you did?

I can't stand this guy, and I've never even met him.

OP, why the Guilt? That's what you need to explore.
You're out working, why is your children's father making such a deal out of it?

Your "give him a kiss from me. " the perfect response.

I would make virtually all my texts about all the great things you're doing work wise on the trip (even though he hasn't asked- which he should have).

When you get back be breezy. Thank him for doing all the childcare (ignore the fact you got your friend in and had to make lists of what the kids need to wear). If he goes on about how hard it was then point out that he didn't really pull his weight and he needs more practice as you arranged a lot of support and you do X, Y and Z all the time while he sails through. ^^

"hope you're having a good time talking nonsense for hours and calling it work"

Am guessing you're in Liverpool. He's jealous and doesn't understand the importance of networking.

My DH’s job involves a lot of travel so I get that as the one left behind (who also has your own job!) it can get a bit exhausting. If it was me going away for work or fun then DH would always send happy updates. But if disaster struck when he was away - like when the ceiling collapsed in heavy rain when I had 2 kids under 3 and he was in fucking Monaco on a complete jolly - then I was keeping it real and not at all interested in how his career was progressing!

Initially I was wondering whether his reference to your coming back on Tuesday indicated that you were choosing to stay away longer than necessary. DH always gets on the first flight possible in the evening but has colleagues (male and female) who think he’s mad as they stay an extra night if they can to have a bit more time away from home responsibilities.

However then I read his comment about you pretending to work and nope, he’s being a dick. I do get why you wouldn’t send any of these suggested messages back - not my style either and I wouldn’t want to treat my kids as though caring for them is a punishment for a lazy spouse. If I actually wanted to talk to and treat my husband that way then he wouldn’t be my husband any more. I think that’s the heart of the matter OP. He’s speaking to you with contempt. Is that something that can be resolved or can you put up with it long term? I couldn’t.

What a control freak. He's seeking a reaction from you and he wants power over you. Your give child a kiss from me reply is the perfect response. You showed concern but didn't take the bait. Keep going down that road and good luck with the trip Don't let this distract you. He is likely over exaggerating too

What a supportive husband does is sit down with you before the trip and plan how best to make sure things are home will run smoothly. He'll ask about any important dates or appointments the kids have that he doesn't know.

He might get easily made meals in so there's something in the freezer in case he's struggling to settle them down in the evening.

He will get the kids to send you a video message saying how much they love you and are proud of you.

He will tell you that the kids are doing well and not to worry about them.

Most importantly, he won't blame his inability to cope on you or torture you with how unhappy your son is!!

He needs to learn to do a damn sight better than he is. Don't feel guilty about going on a work trip, childcare isn't just your problem. He needs to pull his weight and develop the ability and realise it's his job too.

I would be telling him straight that the talking nonsense was putting food on the table and paying the bills since you are the main earner or would he rather you be a sahm and he can take on the full responsibility of doing that.