To think these messaged are unfair

[Overwhelmed79]

I'm away with work (from Sat to Tues). I have two young kids at home with DH (their dad)

I've organised a family friend to come over Monday and Tuesday mornings to help get them dropped off to school so H can get to work on time (he could manage it timing wise but it would be tight)

H is showing zero interest in what I'm up to even though this event is big for my career. He doesnt pick up or any any questions

But he is sending me the odd message about how upset my 3 year old is and how much he misses me. He messaged "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know. I'm trying to help but he wants you" and then going silent.

I can't leave early. I don't want to leave early.

H will say he's just telling me what's going in at home but I feel he's being unfair. I feel guilt reading these messages

Am I being unreasonable to think he should keep it to himself? I'll be home tomorrow!

So sick of incompetent men who can’t parent their own fucking children FFS. What would happen if (god forbid, obviously) you were taken ill one day and needed a hospital stay? How would he cope?

Im no longer with my child’s dad but we share custody 50/50 and he literally sorts out everything for his half of the time (and sometimes for mine to be fair to him!) I never have to worry about telling him how to parent his own child because he can just do it.

The better I do the more of an arsehole he is.

Christ OP that's so sad. Why do you want to stay with a man like this? Your spouse should be your number 1 supporter, and should be happy for your successes in life, whether they be career or other!

Have you ever had a proper sit down conversation about how all this makes you feel?

I called him the first night and he was saying "hope you're having a good time talking nonsense for hours and calling it work" amd stuff like that.

Well your choices are to ignore him, to counter it or to think about whether you want your future to look like this.

I'm not afraid of him. Just telling him some of the things suggsted wouldn't be anything I felt comfortable saying.

Remember that some of the things people suggest that you say are only what they imagine they would say in your position. Not what they have said or would actually do in that situation.

I would say something but I would keep it short and simple.

Communicate that you don't feel guilty, you wil be doing it again if/when necessary and you're somewhat surprised that he couldn't cope.

Essentially, what he is saying is that parenting is beneath him but he can't even manage to do it. Doesn't say much about him does it?

The better I do the more of an arsehole he is.

That's his sense of inadequacy shining like a beacon!

This resonates. My ex was awful at the basic childcare. At times contemptuous about my job, ie when I was stressed at work saying "No one is going to die if you make a mistake" and calling my work "just tapping at a computer". (By the way I am a child protection lawyer, no one else would call it just tapping at a computer!).

When I did leave work and was a SAHM for three years, due to my son's additional needs - all I heard was how he was the most important because he earned all the money, there was a lot of resentment from him about this. He hated it either way, me working and me not working.

This behaviour is absolutely all about their own insecurities. When eventually I left, my ex was absolutely devastated to see how well I managed on my own, as he'd always liked to think of me as a bit incompetent. It was actually him who fell apart and could not cope for several years.

He's pissed off at having to parent his own children (despite you enlisting help and doing all the prep work for him) and he's making sure you're unhappy too.

Arsehole.

Isn't he embarrassed that you had to get a friend in to help? How does he think the single mums manage day in and day out?

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

We have a winner!!!

This is what you say to your H when you return. Make it about how he has behaved while you've been away and how that can be fixed.

I also agree with what @Rerrin has suggested so perhaps there is some middle ground between ripping him a new one and this. Or maybe just this one.

Enjoy the rest of your conference.

What a twat.

I went away for a conference Monday - Friday recently. At no point did my DH sulk or make me feel guilty. We had to get some family help too but only because he didn’t get home in time etc.

All I got were messages updating me like ‘boys had a good day, love you’ or ‘we are up now, if you want to talk. No worries if not’, ‘see you tomorrow!’

Does your DH shirk off parenting usually so he massively resents having to step up when you’re not there?

Show him this thread

Are you serious?

H actually went on holiday with his mates for 5 days this summer. And I took annual leave to cover it as he went during the last week of summer hols where there was no kids clubs running. And I facetimed him, listened to him tell me stories about this and that.

I think him refusing to pick up the phone, let me speak to kids or ask any questions at all except mocking me is the reason the random message about DC crying all the more hurtful.

He doesn't seem to care about me at all sometimes - he's only interested in me in relation to him if that makes sense.

Dude

From OP's posts:

I called him the first night and he was saying "hope you're having a good time talking nonsense for hours and calling it work" amd stuff like that

Not exactly supportive, is it?

It keeps getting worse with everything you post. Hope you decide that you and your children deserve better than this.

This is another form of control. You have inconvenienced him by making him have his own children so now in turn you are made to feel guilty. If your husband wants traditional roles suggest to him he goes out and makes up the shortfall from your wages that are clearly keeping the family afloat if you are the main earner. The cheek of men now expect you to be the perfect house wife but also expect you to bring in atleast half and in your case more of the money. Is it no wonder women are choosing to go it alone. You have took a positive step in your career and what is supposed to be your main cheerleader is resentful. Well I would point out that he is clearly running out of uses If he isn't the main earner, if he isn't much support with his own children and if he can't even give you some support as a husband what exactly does he do for you? Is this enough for you? When you get back completely ignore any negative talk and don't be fooled in to being made to feel guilty you are doing right by your family and if he makes any remarks about mummy went away and left us or anything like that remind your children who pays for the food in their bellies and the roof over there head.

I do think he has contempt. That's what it feels like. He would say it's all in my head. It's hard because he can always justify everything.

If I did decide I'd had enough and leave though - this is a pretty worrying example of what I'd have to accept if we split.

Someone suggested he may be slagging me off to kids and I'm afraid I think that may be true. I can imagine him doing that 100%. Saying "mummy is away because she prefers work to her family" kind of stuff.

You might not be afraid of him now... but why aren't you comfortable telling him home truths? You should get comfortable telling him these things so that you don't BECOME afraid to speak up when you have to.

“aww I'm sure you can comfort him. I often get the same when you’re away. Having a very productive conference by the way, hopefully will get everything done by Tuesday xx”
😂 oh man babies
imagine if they had half the mental load 😂

You need to talk to Women's aid.
You are in an abusive relationship.
He is a lazy waster and you are the family work horse.
Your use to him is what you earn.
This will only get worse.
A lot worse.
His contempt for you will only grow and your children will increasingly be damaged by their toxic environment.

Increasingly there is a type of man that targets a higher earning woman for what they imagine will be an easier life.
They are lazy wasters and children arrive they resent being involved in any childcare.

This will only get worse.
Talk to Women's aid and get legal advice.
The longer you stay with him the more it will cost you and your children.
Losers like him always say they want 50/50 but they never do.
They only care about themselves.
Get legal advice.
Tell family and friends the truth.
He is abusive.

Wow! Sorry just caught up with thread, Jesus you need a BIG chat. He sounds like a complete tosser. What are you even gaining from having him? 😬

“He doesn't seem to care about me at all sometimes”

The most important piece of information which you posted in this thread was when he revealed his contempt for you by insulting your job. His lazy weaponised incompetence with the kids isn’t the most important thing, his contempt for you is.

Training him to be less useless with the kids won’t change his lack of love and respect for you.

You need to make sure you are financially secure enough to cope as a single parent, ready for when your marriage eventually breaks down.

You deserve better than him.

"DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know. I'm trying to help but he wants you"

And?

I am working. You are also his parent. Just reassure him and stop bloody whinging rather than winding him up further about how I'm not there. I have to work and you are acting like a big baby and you are making my life difficult. He's three. He's regularly upset about something and I'm the one who has to deal with it. Distract him. Do something he likes doing. Give him lots of cuddles and attention rather than treating him like a nuisance. But stop talking about me. All this shows is you need to spend more time with him and give him more attention the rest of the time so he likes spending time with you. All he's doing is picking up on your resentment of me being away. I hope you understand how hard it is doing the majority of the child care now.

Grow up and stop being unfair on me on the one time you've been asked to parent your own child.

(Then quite rightly have a massive argument when you get home).

I just don't know what I'm supposed to say to "DS is crying for you".
I said "ah poor DS. Give him a kiss from me"
And now H is ignoring me.

I think I'd have replied "Well, get off the phone and distract him with something fun, then."

I would have been sorely tempted to snap back with "you mean the nonsense that provides most of our income"

It sounds an awful lot like not only are you the main breadwinner but you're also the main carer for the kids and I'm going to hazard a guess here;you do most of the household stuff,mental load,emotional labour etc too especially as you said he doesn't get them ready and off to childcare normally.

There's a facebook group called bridging the gap you'd probably benefit from in your situation.

I'm sorry you're facing this;it's unbelievable how many men have an issue with their female partners being the main earner and can't stand it when they do well.It's funny how women are usually expected to be happy when it's the other way around and ordinarily actually support their male partners.