Having I fucked up the sex talk?

[TheSmartestGiantInTown1]

Today my 6 year old asked me how a man's seed gets into a woman's tummy (I have told him previously that babies are made from an egg and seed). His 4 year sister was listening at the time. My Mum was a HCP so very frank and no nonsense about anything body related, so I was always of the opinion it was best to answer questions honestly but without lots of unnecessary detail. I therefore explained that a man puts his penis inside a woman's vagina, the seed goes into a woman's womb, and meets the egg there. My daughter asked where the babies came out, I said the vagina. They looked mildly surprised and the conversation moved on.

I'd never discussed this with DH and he is horrified- I now see that we should have discussed our approach to this inevitable question long ago. He says I've stolen their innocence, and they'll never see the world the same way again. Honestly they didn't seem that bothered- there was a lot more questions when I had to explain a family member died. However now I feel horrible. Have I totally fucked this up? DH said I should have said that people have a special cuddle.

I told mine daddy gave mummy the seed and I ate it and they grew in my tummy

This is bloody mental!!!

I think it's fine. We gave DD1, then 4, a slightly less anatomical version, just about daddies' bodies making a seed, etc., but I think she'll ask again soon and we will say what you said. She already knows babies come out of vaginas (or are cut out of a mummy's tummy like with her and her sister).

We have the Mummy Laid an Egg book too and DD1 thinks it's hilarious.

We definitely think way more about this stuff than they do though. While we are stressed and sweating about saying the right thing, they just shrug and get on with their day.

Many years ago my dad, a GP, had "the talk" with my little brother. All the relevant facts. Very scientific.

A long silence and my brother said in a faint voice "How embarrassing..."

Other kids are school will tell them, and it's far less likely to be accurate or age appropriate than if you'd had the conversation yourself. All it takes is one child with unfiltered Internet access and suddenly your child can discribe scenes from an adult movie their friend watched. This happened to my Dnephew at 8 years old and it was much worse than just saying 'a penis goes into the vagina'. My nephew was asking around the playground because no adults in his home would tell him the truth

I told mine daddy gave mummy the seed and I ate it and they grew in my tummy 😳 I was on the spot but it just sounds a bit weird tbh! 😂

I don’t think lying to your kids outright about something factual like that is funny. It’s fucked up

😬🤦

OP sounds like a perfectly appropriate conversation. DH is being a bit strange and may want to read up on the research around sex education. Also, remember there is no one 'sex talk' - keep the lines of communication open and there will likely be several more. We live outside the UK where these things are discussed far more openly and rates of teen pregnancy are far lower.

And god no, no special cuddles. Euphemisms for stuff never work out well.

They probably won't even remember the half of it!

I told mine in dribs and drabs. Was cuddling DC2 and gave her the spiel. Thinking I'd done a decent job, I waited to hear what she would say.

"Can you tell me all that again, I've forgotten?"!!!

It's fine, I've told my 4 year old something very similar in response to his questions. I don't think I said the penis goes in the vagina, but I did explain all about eggs, and seeds coming out of the penis to meet the eggs, and babies growing in mummies' wombs and coming out of their vaginas. He knows about periods too as he's seen my sanitary stuff and asked what it was all for, so I told him.

DS wants to be a midwife now, "so I can help all the babies get out of their mummies' tummies, and help the mummies to give their babies milk" bless him.

FWIW I had a picture book in the 80s that talked about "special cuddles" but it also included the mechanics of sex - I'm sure it had a diagram of a penis. I definitely knew where babies come from by aged about 5, anyway.

I did Biology at third level and I'm handy enough at drawing a diagram. When my DD was growing up I answered any questions she had about reproduction factually but in an age appropriate way.
When she was 10 she came home from school very affronted and said I shouldn't have explained periods by drawing her little pictures. I should have just bought her a book and been properly embarrassed like all the other moms.

I don’t think lying to your kids outright about something factual like that is funny. It’s fucked up

@Razorrain oh god not tonight, it’s a Monday I’m tired. Go & be outraged some where else… please 🙏

I agree with this. My DD asked me every question around, how is a baby made - daddy puts a seed into mummy and the baby grows. This was very early on. Prepared my response for ‘how does the seed get inside mummy’, similar to what you said, but she never asked that bit! Around 8 I knew it would be coming up in school so told her that bit via a book and she was mortified by it all, which I didn’t expect. At 6 it’s really just more about biological facts and I think you did great. Stealing their innocence!

Yes. It's strange how parents lie about father Christmas and the tooth fairy and all of that. Agree with you it's best to tell children the truth. It doesn't steal their innocence. Far more weird to expect them to believe a man goes around the world buying presents for millions of children

Yeah there is, 10 year olds get embarrassed and don’t want to have the conversation. 6 year olds don’t care and there doesn’t has to be a cringey ‘sex talk’ that makes them never want to ask you anything again. Plus it means they aren’t hearing rumours from their friends and getting misinformation.

I taught sex ed in secondary schools. The amount of misinformation I’ve had to correct is ridiculous (washing the vagina out with coke afterwards stops you getting pregnant apparently!). I wish people would just be more straight with their kids at a younger age, rather than brushing it off as a chat for when they’re older. They never want to have the embarrassing chats then and don’t feel like they can ask their parents things because they think their parents are too embarrassed. It would stop so many getting into bad situations if parents could take a more pragmatic approach.

If you start putting off questions you don't want to answer, he will get his information elsewhere, and he won't come to you with questions in future either because he knows he will be fobbed off.

@TheSmartestGiantInTown1 I told my son about babies when he was really young- far better very young than older.

Stolen their innocence?

WISH as a child parents had warned me as a child to beware of people who tried to be ''inappropriate'' and to tell them immediately someone touched me in a private area.

Preparing kids and saying ''this part of your body is yours and yours alone, no one else is to touch it'' is protecting 'innocence'.

I think you need to be prepared that your DC may well now go into school and tell their classmates whose parents may not be best pleased that their DC have learnt this from them

6 does seem very young to be asking about this/telling them in great detail.
I probably would’ve changed the subject or said it was a chat for another day, and told them when they were older- especially this stuff about penis in vagina. I would be very wary that your kid may go telling others in school about this, I wouldn’t be happy if I had a 6/7 year old who came back from school saying “mum my friend told me about penis going into a woman’s vagina.”

I would maybe tell your child not to go telling kids at school as some parents prefer to talk to them about it first.

I was taken out of sex Ed lessons by my parents when I was 9, so that’s probably why I am thinking like this. I do think 9 is old enough to know in scientific detail, but not 6.

I’ve never understood the taboo around this. I’d children ask them you respond in a factual age-appropriate way. I’ve taught a lot of sex-ed over the years and am sadly no pinger surprised by how clueless some (much older) children are with the subject!

Am a bit torn. ds 5 recently asked and we told him when a mummy and daddy love eachother they have a special cuddle to have a baby. He told his teacher who then told me she thought it was a good explanation

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Sex Ed in schools starts very early now and uses the correct anatomical language. So I really wouldn’t worry. Your husband is the one out of touch.

You did the right thing, no special cuddle or silly names. You want them to hear the truth from you, not staying curious and ask around and get wrong information.

My mum had a similar approach to you, I remember when I was 11/12 years old and some of my friends had all sorts of misconceptions about sexuality and how embarrassed they felt.

"Basically, you answer a child's question when a child asks it rather than sitting down with them at the age of three, or even older, and giving them a talk about sex. If you are relaxed and comfortable with yourself, a very small child will look at you and point to a breast or a penis and ask what it is. What is important is that children know about sex before their own hormones kick in and sex becomes a subject of giggles and embarrassment. The younger they are, the more normal and natural sex seems, but you don't have to give them every single nut and bolt."

A quote from good old Clare Rayner there.

And the cutesy euphemisms can actually endanger children, I'll never forget a programme I saw where a child's sexual abuse was missed because they didn't understand the terms she was using.