Having I fucked up the sex talk?

[TheSmartestGiantInTown1]

Today my 6 year old asked me how a man's seed gets into a woman's tummy (I have told him previously that babies are made from an egg and seed). His 4 year sister was listening at the time. My Mum was a HCP so very frank and no nonsense about anything body related, so I was always of the opinion it was best to answer questions honestly but without lots of unnecessary detail. I therefore explained that a man puts his penis inside a woman's vagina, the seed goes into a woman's womb, and meets the egg there. My daughter asked where the babies came out, I said the vagina. They looked mildly surprised and the conversation moved on.

I'd never discussed this with DH and he is horrified- I now see that we should have discussed our approach to this inevitable question long ago. He says I've stolen their innocence, and they'll never see the world the same way again. Honestly they didn't seem that bothered- there was a lot more questions when I had to explain a family member died. However now I feel horrible. Have I totally fucked this up? DH said I should have said that people have a special cuddle.

You did better than me OP. My DS asked that question when we were driving round a big roundabout on our way into town. I just said 'the man puts it there' and waited for the next question, which didn’t come. But he obviously thought about it while we were shopping because at the same roundabout on our way home, he said, 'It would be funny if a man came up to you in the street and slipped one in without you knowing wouldn't it?'
Much better to be factual.

My dd was a child in the 80s. She had a biology book with a pop-up penis.

OP, I hope that whenever you want to initiate sex from now on, you offer your DH a 'special cuddle'.

I think as soon as they ask the question it's appropriate to tell them, factually.

My mum said absolutely nothing, including about periods (perhaps because she hadn't anticipated it so early), so when I started bleeding in school at 10 I was absolutely terrified.

Strangely I knew about sex way before then though (maybe I was about 7?) as one of my older pals had told me.

My niece also approached me with a very solemn look when she was 8, to tell me she 'knows about sex' - as though she'd discovered some terrible secret she'd heard about it in the playground and it'd been on her mind for weeks! I reckon if someone had told her earlier, it wouldn't have seemed so shameful

He didn’t see them during conception…?

It is so important to keep it simple but true. When I got pregnant my step son was 7 and asked how it happened we asked him how he thought it happened and he said a boy and girl lay next to each other for a while. So his dad and explained in a very similar way to you. He was happy and pottered off to play. It is super important to use normal language. I will never forget a story about a little girl who said to her teacher he uncle licked her cookie. The teacher laughed it off that was until a few weeks later the little girl bumped her vagina and said ouch my cookie. It’s biology and perfectly normal to ensure our children understand and it helps they stay safe.

Much better using correct words and terms. See nspcc pants advice.

I think you did the right thing OP. As for 'special cuddle' - absolutely not

I got "how does the Father's DNA get into egg?"

I always think special cuddle will confuse as you might get Grandma asking for a "special cuddle" in all innocence 😂.

It's best if kids do know these things. Especially after I witnessed stick insects having special cuddles at the zoo... It's good so they can know what a vagina and a penis are and understand about private parts and consent.

Much better to receive the explanation from a parent delivered in an age appropriate way, than the playground version! You did the right thing OP

I think you said the right thing, when my daughter told my granddaughter the facts (I can’t remember now how old she was), my granddaughter thought it both funny and weird, so she said “I’m only going to do that twice like you mummy, each time I want a baby”. 😂

Nothing to do with "the 80s".

Parents were giving decent sex education talks before the 80s and ridiculous sex education talks afterwards.

As someone whose birds and the bees talk from her mother was ‘mummy and daddy have a special cuddle’ which told me nothing and led to more embarrassment and curiosity when I was older. I’m very glad you gave your children the factual version OP!

Yeah, I know that - it’s actually one of my biggest pet peeves when people screw it up. I’m responding to this “the Bible says Mary was raped by an angel” nonsense.

Better to tell them than them guess… we told my eldest we was having a baby sister when we was on holiday and when she went back to school (she was in reception) in circle time she confidentially told the class that I had a baby and I had got it from swimming she had somehow thought it was connected to the pool 😆😆😆

I don't think you have done anything wrong here...if anything explanations made matter of fact to children without dodging the information will see them in good stead as per your Mum's way with you.

I myself have tried to be age appropriately honest with my three children. I have also used the medically correct names for their genitalia to them since my eldest was three years old. He did used to call his penis a willy because we as parents were inexperienced and were dancing around utilising the proper name until then.

My two youngest are girls and I had read somewhere around the time i gave birth to child 2 that giving children the correct names and ensuring children understand the purpose of body parts empowers children and destigmatises their own bodies so they aren't embarrassed about functions.

I was also told by a paedeatric nurse in what was in hindsight a rather oversharing conversation..'it was good my children were learning the proper names for their genitalia' (one had a UTI at the time and ended up at A&E)...Nurse remarked that In the (frankly terrifying) situation that someone should attempt to sexually abuse a child that 'a child that knows their private parts and is using the proper names would be picked up on and taken more seriously by any trusted adult they happen to mention something to, even if the child didn't understand what had physically happened'. This is a horrible horrible thing to bear thinking about.

Your hub is the one with the issue here not you. Get hub the 'Kays anatomy' book for kids and make him read it as it sounds like he missed out back in his childhood. Plus the book will help you both when the more detailed talk comes around as it did us with our 10 year old.

So glad I read this thread. My sons are 5 and 6 and asked how someone got pregnant the other day. I wasn’t sure if they were too young to tell them the seed part so I just said about the egg in the woman’s belly etc but he wanted to know how it got there. I wished I had told him now, I want to be open with my kids too about sex but growing up in a home where it wasn’t talked about it’s hard to know when is the right time.

You did the right thing - facts mean less confusion later.
Drop off at nursery school, parents & their little ones all waiting to go inside, my then almost 4 year old brought in an old birds nest that had fallen out of nearby trees for show & tell.
There was remnants of the discarded shell still inside it.
My daughter, then went on to tell the enthralled pupils that the baby bird had flown away & he was from a fertilised egg - unlike the eggs we eat that are unfertilised.
Some parents looked on horrified, probably imagining some interesting discussions later on.
Our daughter bombarded us with questions and it was easier to keep to the facts.
Children will only take in what they can process, it’s not spoiling their innocence.

I agree!

I have read quite a lot of this thread. It does seem that the consensus it that if a child knows enough to ask a question it deserves an apprpriate reply.
On reflection, however, it struck me as odd that though people are happy to say something like "daddy inserts his penis into mummy's vagina etc". Now when daddy is in bed with mummy, does he really say something like "darling, would you like me to insert my penis into your vagina?"
In using these words are we not in danger of misleading these children in just
another way. Though we may be liberated in what we say we are beingtotally screwed up by using the wrong words.

What wording were you thinking should be used? cck, dck, c*t, pssy ,fanny etc?... these are slang words not anatomically correct. People use these words during sexual talk because the medical words are exactly that ...medical and a bit sterile.

yes, that stopped me in my tracks as well!

Not at all. My 6 year old can't remember what happened last month, I highly doubt he'll avoid talking to me when he's 10 because I put it off at 6.

Would you tell your 5 year old about drug addiction? Injecting?

Conversations need to be age appropriate, not done out of fear they'll never talk to you again.

Me too.

I agree, 'Special cuddle' is just awful.

My mother told me a wife and husband go to bed together and that's intercourse.

If your kid comes to you with questions and you keep putting it off then of course you won't be their first port of call for information. They will go to their friends who will answer their questions, with half truths and misinformation.

I have had conversations with my kids about drugs, porn, wars, murder, rape... literally anything they have asked me about.

If they are old enough to have the understanding to ask a question then they are old enough to know the answer in an age appropriate way. It's not fear they won't talk to me, it's about them knowing they can ask me anything and get a truthful answer with no judgement.