To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

[fossilgap]

It always strikes me as odd that a couple only have each other and nobody else to call on , and this has been the same for years on here, it’s not a new thing.
Of course with the family, this could be by choice, but surely everybody has a mate or two left unless you live in total isolation

I have friends, but I wouldn't say they are close friends. We meet for coffee and I know that if I really needed help they would step up, but I wouldn't ask as they have husbands and families, and the one I have known the longest and am closest to lives several miles away so I wouldn't rely on her. I do have an exDH, but he also doesn't live nearby.

As for family, I have three cousins who live in the same town as I do, and while we get on we are not close. One would definitely help out in any way, but once again he has his own family so I wouldn't ask.

So bascially I am totally alone in the world, no parents, no siblings, no children, and I just have to get on with things.

@TheDeepLemonHelper

It always puzzles me when people say things like the OP’s post. If you have no family, you have NO FAMILY. It isn’t an odd choice made by weird people who don’t have the good sense to supply themselves with a large and caring network of young healthy parents, siblings, cousins etc. There is no choice, except to have your own children, and sometimes we don’t even have that.

Do I wish things were different? Of course, but it is what it is, and I do wish some people wouldn’t make out like its some kind of personal failing.

Exactly this. It's so rude and offensive - and plain nasty really. Some people have no-one, (or hardly anyone) to depend on, and very little (or no) family. And some people feel low enough, and sad enough about it as it is, without someone posting a scathing thread on Mumsnet, saying 'errmagerrd, aren't some people such utter weirdos having no FAMILY?! and no FRIENDS?' And then pouring salt into the wound by suggesting it's their own fault!

Such a cruel and unkind thread to post.

There but by the Grace of God go you @fossilgap

And as has been said, people don't 'rally round' most of the time. They have their own lives, jobs, children, elderly parents, family, home etc. Many people these days - especially women - are so busy and frazzled trying to spin so many plates, that they don't have time to help others, or 'rally round.'

There are 5 particular households within 10 houses of me; 2 elderly couples, 1 elderly man, a couple who are around 60, and a family of 3. I have never seen anybody at these 5 homes other than the people who live there... in the 8-9 years I have lived here ... Never seen any family there, never seen any friends. It happens! And as the pp I quoted said, it shouldn't be seen as some kind of personal failing!

!

I have very little family and am an only child. When my kids were young we had very few in the family that could step in as emergency, certainly no one from school as I just didn’t know them well enough. I also worked practically full time as did my husband. I’ve a few friends but not close. I’m a friendly person, I get along with others, am helpful, volunteer, but my circle is still very small.
We just have to get on with things.

I guess an anonymous forum attracts people who don't have many people IRL.

I've always been surprised how many people on mumsnet:

1. claim to have no friends. I cannot imagine life without friends.
2. have children with special needs
3. are disabled/have a chronic health condition
4. "don't" drive. (as opposed to can't?)

I'm none of the above so often question why I read it as often as I do.

Your first sentence explains it. All those things you list would mean they are more likely to post here. Stop being so smallminded, not everyone is like you.

I think it can be quite common as more people move away from home towns, busy lifestyles don't always make friends you'd feel comfortable leaving children with.

Personally I have one side of the family 3 hours or so away, the other a 4 hour plane journey away. I have a disabled child and my 'village' like many others in the same position, consists of friends who also have disabled children. In a dire emergency they would help of course, as would I, but generally we muddle and fudge it through. Usually at a detriment to our own goals and other responsibilities.

We are one of those couples. My mum has passed away, my dad lives abroad, my partner's dad passed away and his mum is elderly with declining health. I have a severe ASD child which does leave us quite isolated

Sorry that you find us so “odd”. We don’t choose to be without love and support, just think yourself fortunate if you have plenty family (which I don’t) and friends who are actually willing and able to help in significant ways. I have friends, but I don’t feel I could ask for more than general small favours, not the sort of help that people get from close family.

Exactly, and that is probably why I linger on AIBU more than I'd ever admit IRL - taking oneself out of the SW6 bubble is good for the soul.

I have a huge gaping hole in my life regarding family. I would love some people of my generation to share memories with, but as an only child I just don't have that and there is nothing I can do to get it.

Do you have a partner @Starfish89?

I am also an only child and we have no children, so just have my husband and an Uncle in the UK who is in his 90s. We have made our memories together, travelled extensively, emigrated to NZ and done and achieved much more than we would have been able to have children.

I do regret not having children but I cannot change that and life is far too short to live with regrets.

I do have friends who I could call on, but I would find it really difficult to ask for help. I think that is a great failing of mine and probably due to the fact that being an only one has made me very independent.

there was nothing aggressive in that post. nothing at all. You are extremely small minded and just don't have the capacity or empathy to understand that your experience isn't universal.

This is NOT my life, but it so hard to imagine a circumstance where this might be a reality? Or have you never left the place where you grew up to make this so incomprehendable?

Well you have pretty much described my life, except that I also live in another country. No family here, no old friends, nobody.

And being in this situation is very scary and lonely. Not to mention that it's nice to have friends, but it's very scary to think that if you need help, there's no-one you can even ask.

Now ds is grown up surely adults don't need this 'help' that is referred to? What for?

Not that I ever asked for help when he was young even.

Same here, I have an elderly mother and a son that I see little of and my partner is ten years older than me). I have moved jobs a few times over the years and have social anxiety so no long term connections. All in all I will be a lonely old woman (which is exactly what happened to my grandmother).

We are one of those couples. My family are abusive so we are nc and dhs parents are in a different country and just have no interest. I have one friend who I could call in an absolute emergency but thats it. Other friends wouldn't have the ability to help in any shape or form.

I don't have anyone I can call and meet for coffee, I do a hobby but they are "situational friends" so if we moved I doubt I would keep in touch. My friends I had before moving didn't keep in touch (still on facebook) because again they were school mum friends and I moved 200 miles. I've never had lots of friends yet I'm sociable etc. I'm just not a pushy person who assumes people want to exchange numbers I suppose. I'm quite happy

It's possible. I have no family or friends. Since early last month I have seen supermarket delivery people 3-4 times and spoken to one person on the phone about some house admin stuff. In an emergency I either fix it or it doesnt get fixed.

I find it surprising that some find it surprising tbh. I am one of those misanthropic types who for the best part doesn't much like being around others. I'm OK with it occasionally and in small doses but more than that I hate it. No need for me to explain the many reasons why in detail. I do however have friends but I rarely see or speak to them through choice. My family Inc dh and dd are enough. I have plenty of work 'friends ' and get on well with people on the surface but I tend to get bored or irritated easily 🙃

@BluYlloRedPurpl

Its an interesting post and a valid challenge and thanks.

I have to say I think in some ways the only real solution is not to get married or partner up in the first place, but obviously that creates a whole other set of problems.

I do think marriage and long term relationships are very bad for people’s social resilience. They make people far too emotionally dependent on one other person.

I agree with this . My own mum has never been single and now her husband has left it's like she can't function . She has no friends because they lived like Siamese twins . I am expected to step in and do everything like he did , life admin , social days out , book appointments etc etc .

I can very well understand how people end up with no family or connected friends .
Divorce , constant relocations , others connecting elsewhere dropping you etc .
Also some people just prefer their own company and over time become isolated .

Unless you come from a massive in touch family it's very easy to become isolated .

@hattie43

Totally. At the heart of all these stories of isolation and loneliness there’s almost always a story of over dependence on a spouse or partner. My mum was exactly like this. She went from being glamorous, busy and sociable to being a shell of herself because she let all her support networks atrophy and bitterly regretted it.

It happens. People move to be closer to a partner and give up friendships. They curtail their social life because they “have all they need at home” or “he doesn’t like it when I go out”. Or they just develop inertia about making and sticking to arrangements because they don’t feel the need.

Theres no blame attached to this, it’s understandable that it happens. And obviously there are upsides to being in a settled relationship during the child-rearing period.

But over the lifetime of a marriage or long partnership the overall impact on mental health and social resilience is profoundly negative.

I don’t know what the solution is as clearly people aren’t going to stop getting married. But I do think its reasonable to think about ways to frame marriage so it doesn’t just become a debilitating social crutch. At the very least I think young people need to be warned of this risk.

One issue is that people move around more these days. We moved from the south to the North for work, just after I had my first child. I had absolutely no friends or family nearby. It took me years to make the kind of friends you can ask for help. My in laws are abroad. I think our situation is quite common.
In the past more people stayed locally, although my parents actually moved away from family when we were tiny too.

I don't think we can turn back the clock with people moving away from where they grew up being so normal, at least not without doing something totalitarian. Frequent moves aren't unusual either.

I do think we need to consider the consequences of this though and what the needs of people in this very common situation are, especially as they get older. I think the advice given to lonely and isolated people is very outdated and often refers to things that are no longer readily available to them.

This will sound defeatist but I suspect that there are some people who simply aren't capable of recreating a new support network from scratch.