To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

[fossilgap]

It always strikes me as odd that a couple only have each other and nobody else to call on , and this has been the same for years on here, it’s not a new thing.
Of course with the family, this could be by choice, but surely everybody has a mate or two left unless you live in total isolation

I'm surprised by that too. I know there's reasons. I live far away from my family but I've built up a (small) network of people outside of DH and his family who I like to think if they hadn't heard from me in a week would at least text to see if I'd been eaten by the cat.

Statistically speaking, they’re probably more likely to seek out an online forum.

Tbh I don't really. I have colleagues and old uni friends who live in other cities and might see me once every couple of years, I don't really know how it happened over the years but it is what it is- how do you make friends in your late 30s? (sometimes I wonder this!) I'm close to my family and we talk every day on Whatsapp, but they're very busy in their own lives with young children.
My DH had a group of very close 'lad' friends when we were young, but he's distanced himself from them over the years when he stopped drinking/partying as much. Now he has a beer with some of them every couple of weeks or so.
Basically, we have people who would notice if we went missing, but not much of a babysitting circle.

Well we’re one of those couples. Dh is no contact with his whole family (abuse related). My only living relative, my Mum died years ago. Dh and I have no real friends, dh has work mates but wouldn’t be able to call them in a crisis. I don’t have any friends, I’ve got complex health needs and I’m very introverted and don’t really have the energy or want for any. So there we go! We just muddle through and it’s fine. I have no desire to have more people in our circle.

I don't think that people mean they live in complete isolation, more that the people they know are not in a position to provide practical support such as childcare.

At least that's what I mean when I say it. In an absolute emergency or as a one off yes, people could probably help out but not more generally.

HTH

This is true. I enjoy chatting online but no desire to socialise in real life.

I totally agree. Even in times of urgent need, people say they don't have anyone or is they feel they can't ask?

When it comes to parenting, people feel they should struggle through the hard times even though they must be desperate for a break.

I find it very odd with parent who have children at school. The other parents don't have to be your best mates, but not to know anyone who could drop off /collect your child in an emergency just strikes me as extremely odd. Particularly as in my experience, other parents will rally round even if they don't know you that well. I think it's a question of "don't like to ask" rather than "don't know anyone".

I'm not surprised about this, given that MN has strong tendencies towards being judgmental and misanthropic.

I also find it surprising. Especially when it comes to leaving the husband and women say they have nowhere to go. My family live abroad but I would absolutely go there if i was ever in trouble. Or they could cobble together some money to help me even though they are not especially wealthy. I wouldn't typically ask them but they would do it for me if I did.
I am very introverted so don't have a wide friendship circle but I meet people through work all the time who are happy to extend a helping hand if I mention I need something. A work colleague who didn't know me from Adam recently offered me a key to her house while she was on holiday when I mentioned we had a week's gap between houses. My former boss in the previous job offered me to stay with them for a couple of weeks in similar circumstances 15 years ago and I was only in this job for 3 months at that point. There are lovely helpful people everywhere. I think it is more that people are really reluctant to ask for help.

I only have two friends. Three at a push.
I’m 34, take good care of myself, have a stunning daughter and a beautiful home with not much to worry about so it’s not like I’m a weirdo.

The fact is I was a single parent from during my pregnancy. I focused solely on my daughter and didn’t make friends a priority. I had way more friends until lockdown and then they started to dwindle. I’ve also dated but on the back burner.

I think it’s quite ignorant to be surprised people have little to no friends. I constantly see people on social media say they don’t have any either so it’s a way bigger thing than most realise.

And ‘boundaries!’

I’ve thought this too. I’m always surprised by the number of people who post with school run problems and don’t seem to have anyone they could ask for help even in a one-off emergency. Can honestly say if any parent from one of my kids’ classes text me for help with pick up, I would happily do it. It makes me wonder if we’ve been unusually lucky in finding a friendly school, or if it just means I’m one of the overbearing/cliquey school mums everyone on here complains about!

Often when it boils down to it people you think will be there for you aren’t.

Yes this. I have lots of friends, good friends. But they have their own kids and jobs and commitments. In an emergency situation I could probably ask them for help but certainly not all the time unless I was a massive CF.

My family provide one day of childcare a week while dh and I work but dc are always with us otherwise.

I grew up in London, couldn't afford to buy there so had to move out, same with the rest of my generation of my family, and most of the people I grew up with and we didn't all move out to the same place, it also means the older generation are more likely to move out to the country side, so I have plenty of friends and family but they're all at least an hour away, maybe more. People are also more likely to move around for work etc these days, so you end up with friends but not ones you feel you can put upon on a regular basis. Also lots of my school friends etc had DC teens/early twenties, I went to uni (really not common from my school which didn't even have a sixth form) , travelled a lot then settled down married and had ds at 34 , I have a five year old and their DC are passing their driving tests, we are at different stages of life so whilst we're still friends i'm not in a position to swap favours, they don't need them.

Not everyone is lucky like you OP. My family are abusive and I've never had support, when I left home at 18 my mum didn't phone me again.

Because of my background I find it difficult to make and retain friendships. I often find myself involved in abusive relationships as I'm used to that dynamic and don't have the skills to deal with it.

I currently have agoraphobia and can't leave the house so I have absolutely no one to rely on. It helps to have an open mind about people as we often don't know their backgrounds.

It can be hard to have time to make friends if you're working full time.

If another parent texted me asking for help with pick up, my answer would be 'sorry I'm working'. Unless they wanted pick up from the after school club, which I could help with.

They say it takes 200 hours spent in the company of another person before you can count them as a real friend. Who has that kind of time in adulthood?

My lack of friends and extended family network is a source of sadness for me. I don't have these people because I grew up very cloistered and sheltered in a close-knit community that didn't really welcome outsiders. If you're in, you're in. But if you're out, you're out.

It's very difficult to make friendships in your late 30s after exiting an abusive marriage, abusive birth family, and cult-like religious life. It's hard enough to make new friends in your late 30s without all that baggage!

I would previously have agreed but sadly recently I’ve had a period of poor health and the total lack of support from someone I had formerly believed to be a close friend - practically family even - has knocked me for six.

Turns out a lot of people are happy to accept support but not give it back when it’s the other way around.

Unfortunately former friendship is now over.

To help with pick ups it has to be a child who lives within walking distance too, as who has a spare car seat in their car just in case? From what I see a lot of parents drive to drop off, so presumably they don't live close by.

@OnceIWasAMormon are you serious about this?
They say it takes 200 hours spent in the company of another person before you can count them as a real friend. Who has that kind of time in adulthood?
That’s 2 hours a week for 2 years. Are you seriously suggesting people don’t have time for one hobby with like minded people and/or one coffee shop trip or similar a week?
I have friends from childhood, but several of my best friends have been made post 30, 40s or even into my 50s.

I have friends and family - but none of them live very nearby.

I have children at school but I only do pick up and drop off one day a week - one day DH does it - and three days we use wraparound.

The parents we do know also tend to work so wouldn't be able to help with emergency childcare either.

It's difficult to get phone numbers for our children's friends' parents - no class WhatsApp groups - I have a couple of numbers which I got through parties or notes in schoolbag

@cheesecakecookie it's so upsetting to find out that people aren't there for you. I hope you're OK now.

I wonder of part of people feeling that they have a great support network is the fact that they haven't ever had to rely on it for a significant amount of time?

It does surprise me, tbh. I get that some people might choose for it to be that way. Or people who have no family left/don't speak to them.

But aside from these scenarios, it does surprise me when people say they don't know anyone they'd call close. The people I'm friends with range from those I've known since school, uni friends, work colleagues, people I've met through hobbies, a few school mums. I don't go out socialising with them all on the regular, but I do try to make time for even a quick lunch or dinner here or there, or have them over for a cuppa and a chat even if it's only for an hour. I try to keep up with messaging them. One friend I write letters to but rarely see!

I'm closer with one of DH's friends than he is - we don't really meet up unless we all manage to make the family calenders match, but we're always sending each other interesting articles or links to books.

Maybe some people are just more naturally chatty than others!