To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

[fossilgap]

It always strikes me as odd that a couple only have each other and nobody else to call on , and this has been the same for years on here, it’s not a new thing.
Of course with the family, this could be by choice, but surely everybody has a mate or two left unless you live in total isolation

I wonder if for many the more casual friendships have gone the same way as third spaces for lots of people. The ideal seems to be to find a space or an activity that brings you around other people but that you go to because you like what you're doing with or without friendships being the result.

I'm still not sure what the answer is for people that don't have that thing or place they feel comfortable at. A lot of entertainment or skill building is done in a solitary way now, even a lot of the volunteering I looked into was lone working.

Of course it's not easy to make friends when you're an adult.Yes you need to make efforts both to find friends and acquaintances, and then you need to maintain those relationships as well. If you decide that this is too much, you can't be bothered and DH is all you need, it's also not fair to complain when other people don't make the effort to become your friend. It's a choice - either put effort into finding people to help you when needed, or put effort into doing everything yourself.

I moved about a year ago.
I have joined several groups & clubs in my local area.
I have met several people who have said that they "were fed up of being on their own & being isolated"

Someone also said that the people that they had met had promised that they would meet up again, but an invitation was never extended.

How many of you text, phone, email, write, invite your friends regularly ?

Feeling lonely is more common than people know ! It is everywhere

@Crazycatlady79

It's really not very hard to at least imagine why some people only think they have their DP/DH.

It really is hard for me to understand this. I genuinely don’t understand how this works.

I find the idea of being secluded with your spouse terrifying. I can also see a multitude of reasons why it’s unhealthy and socially dangerous.

Why does pointing this out and asking how our society has got here make you a “twunt”? We need to deal with this epidemic of loneliness and social dysfunction. Why shouldn’t we address this?

It's absolutely true that it takes effort and I don't see anyone disagreeing with that.

But it's also genuinely harder for some people than others to make that effort and some of us are just trying to explain that.

It also can be a vicious cycle - you have less friends and family support so you're more tired and have less time to do things that might help you to make more connections

I was replying to your post to me, not the title.

I think many people are lucky and parenthood is first time they really need support - prolonged illness, elder/disable care are less spoken about as well but probably more isolating.

What seems strange to me is how all these people with no friends just their DH. How did you actually get to meet him

I don't get how this is hard to understand.

I met DH at uni - DD1 met her Gf at school - DH workplaces were full of young people till he hit about 30-35 - so people no kids or caring responsibility up for going out - often had partners who join in bring along few of their work mate in similar position were as my work place it was long commutes for few young people and rest were settled married often kids or much older.

Plus boards here are full of people who can't meet a partner and many who end up using dating apps.

Life happens - you move, social groups break up often in response to break ups- work places change people pare off and have kids and get too busy to hang out and slowly you lose touch. it happens over years. Its not that posters are incapable of being friendly or making friends often circumstances occur and its very easy to get isolated.

I have may social older family members and friends have enriched their retirement years but when illness hits they often disappear very quickly (also outliving friends starts to happen) - it usually few exceptional neighbour and family who are around - and neighbours often don't last as if they are not careful NHS staff will try and include them in care plans - and bulk of family will often also keep distance for same reasons. MN response is euthanasia but having seen so much agism, sexism and ablism in NHS it not one that fills me with comfort.

Though I grant you some people could do more to avoid it - thinking of my own Mum here who shots down every suggestion to get more social though she got isolate in first place as Dad had years of ill health and ended up house bound.

I suspect this is a classic case of if I make it the lonely/isolated person fault then I don't have to consider this could happen to me at some point in my life.

Not sure what is so surprising! Our friends all work full time, one works term time only but is a 90 min drive away away. We have family that live 4 hours drive away and family who are local. The local Grandparents who are retired / semi retired have never looked after our child (one has a busy social life) the other only wants to meet up every few months for special occasions. They wouldn’t have the foggiest, I’m not sure either could change a nappy or would have any idea on basic things like what to feed baby.

All my friends work or dont drive. Its usually those with loads help make these comments. Anyway we ploughed on few school mams were great and I helped them too god its difficult though no help

I met my DH at university.

And my other proper friends are from university as well and all live overseas. Not very practical for helping out when I can't get home from work on time!

It absolutely needs adressing, however the frankly vacuous "I don't understand" screams volumes about how some posters - including you - have no understanding/empathy/recognition of how the 'other half' live.
To give you some insight: a neighbour of mine only has her partner to rely upon. She had 2 children with her first long-term partner. He beat the shit out of her. She escaped. She is now, years later with a good man, with whom she has a third child.
Eldest twin have additional needs, as well as having experienced early years trauma. There is no family left alive to help her, nor willing friends.
I, for instance, cannot help, as my Twin 2 is too challenging to even over or look after.
My own story is that I cannot afford child care of the sort my Twin 2 needs and there is NO DH/DP to share the load.
I have plenty of friends, but with AuDHD twins, Twin 2 needing 24/7 supervision to ensure she does not slice her skin, there are no friends I can leave her with.
So, it's not about discussing this or not, but the "I don't understand" brigade need a fucking life lesson.
And, yes, myopia does a twunt maketh.

I get some people really have exceptional circumstances, but most 'it's impossible because reasons' posts seem to have pretty standard lives imho.

Musing on this, I think some situations definitely make it harder to find and retain friends. A family member (RIP) was very much a "maiden aunt". She had a profession where she met a lot of people, lived in the same place for most of her adult life (small town) and was naturally gregarious and very much involved in the community, church, etc. She was also fortunate to retain total independence until the last few months of her life, well into her 90s.

Of course by that age she had lost most family and outlived many of her peer group, but her funeral was the typical packed church scenario with friends of wildly differing ages who all adored her. Some of this was of course her personality (which was lovely) but perhaps her circumstances gave her the freedom and chance to engage with people in a way those bringing up children and working, caring for someone with disabilties long term, forced by work to move frequently, having poor health themselves (only a few examples) simply aren't able to, through no fault or choice of their own.

Yeah when I hear of packed funerals versus quiet ones, I think it's rarely about the goodness of the person and more about how well known they are. Eg drinkers tend to know loads from all the pubs they go to, doesn't mean they are a better person. Active people in the community, Gardeners who have a lot of customers they see etc

I'm a lovely person but my funeral would not pack out a church.

that's the thing we are discussing here, isn't it - social interactions, being active in making and maintaining connections. That if you don't have a support network composed of family and childhood friends, it won't just magically appear - you need to build one. Which indeed is not easy, but for most people, still doable. No, does not mean that you are therefore also a better person with the best character.

Our parents are elderly, everyone else is self absorbed.

We had a network of friends but in the time span of a month they all moved away & despite promises, never call. No one we meet seems interested in making friends as we're late 40's & they've all got friends, or a child free.

It sucks, but it's the way it is.

Absolutely, @G5000 . I’m somewhat envious of people from larger, supportive families, because they don’t need to make so much effort, they’ve got a built-in network! My DH has several siblings, but they can’t be relied on for support. So we’ve had to rely more on friends and that takes effort.

Sorry but what does this mean? What’s meant to be impossible?

Some posters have stated it is not possible for them to meet people, make any new friends or even acquaintances.

I think it’s quite normal in western culture nowadays. People don’t always stay in the town they were born in, they move around a lot for work so inevitably will move away from their family.

Surely that's why people are on a forum such as this. If you've got a huge support/family group around you why would you need to talk to perfect strangers online.

There was nothing vitriolic about that reply.

From watching kith and kin there is often sort of mid 50s - post child rearing - if not caught up in childcare for grandchildren or subsumed under elder care often a time when many people join various groups - walking, local history groups and widen their social circle again or reconnect with cousins and siblings etc.

My parents got hit with teens, elder care, ill health DGC care for single Mum Dsis with difficult ex - to really ever decreasing health to one left is very alone and wonder where last 20+ years went. My IL by contrast were child free by 40s left elder care to siblings and only last year as their groups and hobbies slowly stop post covid that it's starting to get down to family and neighbours.

We know they'll be a big location move for us at mid 50 point - DH work- so that point we'll hopefully be in place to start joining everything in new area.

It always puzzles me when people say things like the OP’s post. If you have no family, you have NO FAMILY. It isn’t an odd choice made by weird people who don’t have the good sense to supply themselves with a large and caring network of young healthy parents, siblings, cousins etc.

Quite. If you’re an only child, and neither of your parents have siblings, then your pool of relatives will be rather small. Through no fault of your own.

Then your parents eventually die. Exactly what are you supposed to do (or have done)?

Thankfully I have been able to create a social life for myself, but this post is making me somehow feel bad for choices that other people made

This

I wish people would have the intelligence to look outside their bubble.