To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

[fossilgap]

It always strikes me as odd that a couple only have each other and nobody else to call on , and this has been the same for years on here, it’s not a new thing.
Of course with the family, this could be by choice, but surely everybody has a mate or two left unless you live in total isolation

@Crazycatlady79

So, it's not about discussing this or not, but the "I don't understand" brigade need a fucking life lesson.

I don’t understand the need for aggression here. I don’t understand this and I don’t really care if you don’t believe me. It seems unbelievably stupid and self destructive to dump all your friends because you think your spouse is all you need.

I think it’s time to speak plainly on this: a lot of these people have created this problem for themselves. There are plenty of people for whom life gets in the way; people who are a long way from family or who struggle with depression or anxiety. I have sympathy for these people.

But there is a fairly large contingent who seem to actively embrace the idea that their family provides everything they need and that friends are a needless distraction or “drama”. The people who bang on endlessly about “my little family”.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that these people place having a spouse as greater on the chain of priorities than having friends so they don’t make the effort with friends. And it doesn’t take a genius to work out that these people have themselves to blame when they wake up bored and lonely in middle age.

Some of us have worked really hard throughout our lives to maintain friendships. So we do raise our eyebrows when these same people come crying on here about not having friends. You sometimes reap what you sow.

I guess that depends on your circumstances. Not everyone has the time (or energy) for endless socialising/friend hunting that they did when young.

Other people are also busy - we’ve all read posts in here about how once you have family commitments you don’t have “time” for new friends and possibly you don’t need new friends either. It’s not literally impossible but I think it could seem that way.

Many people are busy and tired. Of course we need to choose and can't do everything.
You don't need any new friends, as you have a large family around, ton of existing childhood friends? Sure, finding new ones is probably not that important, can prioritise other matters.
Very different from situation where someone writes they know absolutely nobody who can help even in an emergency, something that does not require that you have a deep meaningful 200 hour relationship beforehand.

Why? Not all families are great. So many people have trauma, like myself, which affects the ability to trust and find new friends. I only have contact with my aunt in my family. Not my sister, niece, cousins or uncles. Because they’re terrible people. And I have no parents or grandparents alive. My partner has his family but I’m not close to them. And we have a few good friends we can rely on and we love dearly. I love my small circle because these are people I can trust and I enjoy their company. Between my 4 children and these people I am fulfilled.

Yes. This is our situation almost exactly…DH is an only child, all of our parents are dead, as are their siblings. All of his cousins have passed away. On my side, my family are in the States…I don’t get to see them that often. I also moved around a lot for my job, but maintain email contact with a few work friends and a couple cousins. We do have two couples locally with whom we are close, and my husband’s auntie (second wife…our age), but that’s it. It gets harder when you retire as well.

I live in the same town I grew up in.

My dad is severely disabled so mum can’t do childcare as she’s effectively doing that but for dad, despite being early 60s. They’re 20 mins away.

Sister lives 10 mins away but both she and partner work full time around the clock to survive CoL and are self employed so asking either her or partner to look after our kids means they might not make rent that month.

Husband is an only child and FiL is dead, MiL lives 2.5hrs away and is mid 70s and struggles with the drive so we usually go to her.

We have tonnes of friends but they’re all pre DC friends who we went to uni with or who we befriended in London before we moved out. We both work in London (1.5 hr commute) 2 days a week.

Kids are both in nursery so we don’t really see the parents and they’re too young to have independent friendships. Due to the cost of nursery, nights out/childfree activities aren’t doable. Working mum so no toddler group parent friendships. Plus we’re both knackered with work and childcare.

I’m sure it will change at some stage but yes, despite being sociable, interesting people with great families, we don’t have anyone.

It always puzzles me when people say things like the OP’s post. If you have no family, you have NO FAMILY. It isn’t an odd choice made by weird people who don’t have the good sense to supply themselves with a large and caring network of young healthy parents, siblings, cousins etc

I don’t think anyone is questioning the people with no family, that’s clearly something that no one has control over.

Its the people who have gone out of their way to shed all their friends like hot bricks because they have found “the one” and who go on about how their husband is their everything etc etc and how female friends in particular are nothing but “drama”.

Obviously some people are beset by hard luck or circumstance which mean they are isolated and that’s tough and a big problem. But that’s not, I think, what the OP meant.

What some of us are questioning is the mindset that seems to say friendship is just a stopgap until you find a life partner and which dictates that you switch all your energies from friendship into a relationship and make no attempt to nurture and keep those friendships up.

Its still, despite decades of feminism, shockingly commonplace that women seem to take this stance.

I’ve been on MN for years and it doesn’t surprise me that most people on here have no friends.

Well I’m one of them, only have partner - one sister a long way away who NEVER contacts me (I contact her but not the other way round), only child has moved away and doesn’t speak to me (long story), have one or two friends but they wouldn’t notice if I don’t answer phone for a few weeks, and finally I have one neighbour who I’m ‘friendly’ with but they’re moving away shortly. I’ve often thought (if my partner was no longer with me) that I could fall downstairs and break my leg or worse and nobody would notice and I’d probably die there if I didn’t have my phone within reach. I’m pretty sure this is not uncommon. Very sad but true.

It depends on whether you're referring to childcare or just having family. I've got family but nobody able to do any childcare (they need help themselves). I also have plenty of childless friends. I could rely on them in an emergency, though they don't live close by, so I'd rather not have to ask them.

:-)

Most people or just some people? There's a good cross section on Mumsnet.

I don’t live in isolation but don’t have anyone who I can call on last minute for emergency childcare. Both sets of grand parents still working full time and pretty much all my friends work full time too.

I’m have very little family and friends, DHs family are tiny, both parents dead, there’s only his DSIS and she’s quite odd and we’ve not seen her in years. My family my father doesn’t really care prefers his own life, I’m NC with my mother, I see my brother now and again. I’ve moved around a lot and it’s difficult to make friends in a small town where other people have a large family and lots of old friends. Yes it’s hard at times especially when the DV were young in emergencies etc.

I meant that it’s difficult to make new friends if everyone else is busy/already have friends as is the case if you’re older. If you are and you’ve lost your social circle /support network for whatever reason it can be tricky.

What some of us are questioning is the mindset that seems to say friendship is just a stopgap until you find a life partner and which dictates that you switch all your energies from friendship into a relationship and make no attempt to nurture and keep those friendships up

Hmmmmm those were exactly the sort of people I wa thinking of in my previous posts 😆. I think most would keep up their close friendships but agree they’re being foolish if they don’t.

I have no family where I live (abroad) and no close family I could contact. I do have friendships but those are mostly superficial as I struggle to maintain friendships and always have done.
when my kids were in primary I had enough contacts who could drop kids to and from school in emergencies because my kids went to the tiniest school where everyone knew each other but now they are older that’s not the case.

@fossilgap and others who don't seem to be able to imagine circumstances that are different from their own... It is very insensitive to suggest that people go out of their way to 'shed' friendships or don't know how to maintain relationships!

Imagine this: You grew up in Chester where your parents lived. You went to uni in Leeds where you had your uni friends. After graduating you moved to London where you met your partner (who's italian) and had 2 dc.

After a few years you decide to move closer to your parents and both accept jobs in Manchester. Kids go to breakfast club and after school club because you both work full time. You hardly ever meet the other mums at the school gates. No time for coffees. After a while your parents retire and decide to move to Cornwall. Your only sibling lives 3 hours away and works shifts in emergency services and has a newborn. Even though you keep in touch, none of your old childhood friends have stayed in the area. Your neighbours are lovely, but one of them is in a wheelchair and the other one is a (not-so) secret white collar alcoholic. You have a nice relationship with your colleagues, you chit chat to your pilates mates once a week and your local coffee shop knows you by the name when you pick up your morning coffee on the way to work.

So who do i call in a 'minor' non-life threatening emergency? Or when i just need a hand?
This is NOT my life, but it so hard to imagine a circumstance where this might be a reality? Or have you @fossilgap never left the place where you grew up to make this so incomprehendable?

Well
Fucking
Said.

Excellent post

I’ve never known anyone ‘rally round’. My kids had additional needs and I didn’t live near my parents. I moved to be near my husbands family but they didn’t want to be friendly. So I had no friends and find it difficult to make new friends.
people find it hard to believe I had no one to call on in any such emergency, but I just didn’t. It just is the way it is.

This is a really good post in that it also illustrates that following the 'conventional' life path which we would normally expect to protect us from loneliness doesn't always work out that way.

@BluYlloRedPurpl you’re very aggressive aren’t you. I’m not going to answer you.

@fossilgap You did answer, and I'm glad you read my post. Maybe it's given you some food for thought.

Why? Hit the nail on the head did she? Or a raw nerve? Got no comeback have you?

That's usually when people throw their toys out of their pram and refuse to engage with someone.

I don’t find the post aggressive at all. It highlights how you don’t or can’t understand any situation different from your own.