To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

[fossilgap]

It always strikes me as odd that a couple only have each other and nobody else to call on , and this has been the same for years on here, it’s not a new thing.
Of course with the family, this could be by choice, but surely everybody has a mate or two left unless you live in total isolation

Eh? It’s not in the least vitriolic. No idea what you’re reading.

I was 31. I had her father, but we split up when he had an affair when she was 12 months old. Grandparents. I worked full time as tea teacher, going back to work when DD was 7 months.
The post I responded to didn’t mention children though. It just said ‘in adulthood’.

Adulthood often includes children.

A major factor in people not pursuing potential friendships is children or relationships.

So, the solid friendships you have made in your 40's / 50's were in the time that your child.was with her father?

I don't mean to diminish your experience at all, but many people do not have the experience of having solid, committed childcare to allow them to pursue a career, never mind friendships. I'm so pleased for you that life turned out so well.

Of course adulthood often includes children. That wasn’t the focus of the post I replied to though. By the time I was 50, she was an adult so didn’t require being cared for. Most of the friendships while she needed child care were via a hobby, initially musical theatre, then a choir. It was one evening a week which required child care. That was provided by her father until circumstances meant we lived 150 miles apart. After that it was a grandparent or a babysitter. 2 hours a week shouldn’t be impossible. Then I could spend more time with people by inviting them to the house for coffee/a meal and so I could look after DD myself at the same time. Friends with children could bring them - and the same if I went to their houses. I really don’t think I’m unusual - though I’m always aware of how lucky many aspects of my life are.
Edit: to pursue my career, I used a nursery.

I agree, you aren't particularly unusual.

Parents who have nobody and have to carefully negotiate any favours aren't particularly unusual.

I suppose anybody could be shocked at how the other half lives.

I have one friend and I wouldn't ask. It great you don't understand how it happens, but it does, to May of us. None of us design our lives to be alone and within a support network, not everyone has one, and it's a bit fecking rich with the faux, how could anyone not have post, plenty of people are alone, without even a partner. It doesn't mean you don't know people through work, but means that you have absolutely no support network, and there's plenty of us.

@cardibach do you recognise the postition that you have been at at each stage? That doesn't take away from any pain you suffered in any way.

I’m not sure what you are asking. Do you mean am I conscious I was fortunate? Many aspects were fortunate, yes, I had supportive parents and my exH was/is a good father. I did pay for child care quite a lot - and yes, I know that not everyone can afford that.

I don’t think I’ve said I was shocked by anything. This all comes form me replying to someone who said no adult has time to make a friendship. That’s simply not true.

Yes, I was asking are you aware how incredibly fortunate you are.

It wasn't an attack at all, I was incredibly lucky that I met my wife in my very brief (4months on 37 years) care free moment.

I apologise, the title of the thread was "surprised " not "shocked"

I'm in the same stupid box. Kids grown and gone so it's that time for you, ha ha. Unfortunately, whether it's Covid, having moved to another location or being older, friends are hard to come by.

I thought I'd made a friend, we had a lot in common, including living in the same places in the past, shared interests, I spent a lot of time listening to her troubled past and current boring relationship then my DH was diagnosed with prostate cancer and I needed to support him so she wasn't a top priority.

Suddenly I start getting a series of increasingly angry and abusive emails accusing me of ignoring her and letting her down and ghosting her. Each time I tried to explain that I hadn't done any of these things her response was that I was lying expressed as 'people seeing things differently '. I've been feeling really hurt but looking back, she was always pretty self centered.

As to the OP's post, I've had so many friends in the past but people move house and country, get divorced get bogged down with chronic illnesses, tragedy, children need help, friends even die as do family and then you find yourself lonelier than in a long time.

It isn't always by choice. Some people have small families or loved ones who have died, neurodiverse, disability. People have different life situations that you cannot really judge unless you are in that situation yourself.

No one said it's super easy but you have to make an effort. I had to do it when I moved to where I live. But surely then the volunteer role and gym give possible opportunities As for a lot of people not wanting more friends. Well according to this to thread there are loads of people without any so that's incongruent

It's not odd at all. It's pretty common.

Not everyone gets the best start in life and many never have a family to speak of, others like me suffer several bereavements at a young age.

If you think it's odd that is your privilege talking.

I think it's 'real' friends who are available to help. People keep moving and everyone's so busy with work and life that it's hard to have that group around you. I have school friends an hour away with slightly older kids I see a couple of times a year. They couldn't take me kids.

I have one family member 40 min away, a brother, who I called for help after a car accident. He's no good with kids so I couldn't ask him to pick kids up from daycare or look after them.

I also find it surprising. Especially when it comes to leaving the husband and women say they have nowhere to go. My family live abroad but I would absolutely go there if i was ever in trouble.

@Catza Some people are from tiny families though, especially if you’re an only child and your parents have died.

I’m lucky to have some good friends and I appreciate them. I’ve realized that for me, it’s worth making the effort to maintain friendships, I didn’t always, but I do now. I have a few close friends to turn to in a crisis, and vice versa. They’re important to me. 🤗

@Gogogo12345

What seems strange to me is how all these people with no friends just their DH. How did you actually get to meet him

This is the bit I find baffling about this too, it’s much much more stressful and anxiety inducing trying to find a mate than a friend. Dating is terrifying.

I’ve asked people this question on here before and sometimes they have said they find dating easier than making friends????

But that just can’t be true. I don’t buy this. What they mean I think is that they felt it mattered more to find a date so they stepped up a bit (because presumably they were socialised to believe everyone needs a spouse.)

Really all these anxious people can do it when they need to. They just seem to feel that once you’ve got a spouse or life partner under the belt you don’t need to bother anymore.

Can't speak for everyone but I married my uni boyfriend and if it hadn't worked out for us I might not have had another relationship for the same reasons I struggled to find friendships. If lucky I'd have been one of those people for whom online dating works, I know people that have found partners that way but also people who have got nowhere with it.

I don't think there is necessarily a shortage of people wanting friends, there aren't always good ways for people to be brought together enough for friendship to naturally form.

So you think dating is terrifying and your approach to friends is more casual? If you want deeper relationships, dating used to offer an approach which was about getting to know the other person and wanting to build closeness. Each of you came with the intention of wanting to form a connection, not just sex as seems to be the case now.
Have you read about like attracts like or attachment theory? The most basic human drive is to feel safe and to connect, to make solid and lasting relationships especially if you're thinking about having kids. That's more important than finding someone to go running with or go down the pub with occasionally.
People who rely on their DH are likely to have been looking for, or found if they are lucky, someone who is genuine, able to love and open to a sustained relationship where difficulties can be worked through. Once you've experienced that level of relationship, other people often come across as shallow and self interested, or just there isn't enough in common to maintain a long term or deep relationship.
Friendships change over time too, what brought you into each other's orbit doesn't last. It's good to be a bit lonely sometimes, life is short and not bothering anymore might be about learning to value yourself. The books Solitude by Simon Parke or Anthony Storr are helpful as are School of Life books and videos.

Is this post just a call for a load of stealth boasts about how popular you are? 🤣

My dm, dmil and dsis are all disabled/have significant health problems. They adore our kids and would watch them in an emergency for an hour or so but it wouldn't be fair to ask them for more than that.

I have a couple ofvftiends I can trade kids with for playmates etc but wouldn't ask fir over night/longer term.

Now I've been friends with all except one of my partners before actually dating them) taking things further

I'm actually still good friends with a couple of my exes too

@IthinkIamAnAlien

The most basic human drive is to feel safe and to connect, to make solid and lasting relationships especially if you're thinking about having kids. That's more important than finding someone to go running with or go down the pub with occasionally.

I guess we will have to agree to disagree on this. Or at least partially agree.

I agree that solid and lasting relationships are more important in the long run. But I don’t see a fundamental dichotomy between this and “someone to go running with or go down the pub occasionally”. These categories of relationships are also extremely important in my view.

I think a major reason why people seem to struggle with friendships is they so often expect to go from 0 to 60 overnight. There seems to be an expectation that a friend has to be someone you are totally committed to, see multiple times a week and text constantly.

I have had conversations with people on here who have said “how will I know the other person is open to a friendship? Well, it doesn’t work like that. Nothing is guaranteed and you can’t predict people’s needs or reactions.

The type of friendship people often seek to want on here not only isn’t workable for most people it’s not really desirable. I personally don’t want friends to “feel safe with”. One or two maybe. I want friends for fun, stimulation and support. There’s space for both sorts but we can’t expect to dictate from the off what shape a friendship will take.

People seem very suspicious of casual friendships. But having people around you who may not be lifelong friends but whom you can have fun with is msssively life enhancing.

I think a lot of people would help themselves massively if they learned to relax, take human interaction as it comes and be open ended in their expectations. It doesn’t have to be this fraught and everyone benefits from a network, even a casual one.

Threads like this are why I both love and hate MN.
It's really not very hard to at least imagine why some people only think they have their DP/DH.
We tend to hear Best of times/Worst of times (bad English, I know) on MN.
OP, you come across as a smug, myopic twunt, but I'm sure you're not the aforementioned, in reality.