Why is mumsnet so sexist?

[Lovefromjuliaxo]

Been on here a few months, and while it’s nice to see women sticking up for woman, it’s crazy how sexist some people are on here. I’ve seen threads telling a women to leave her partners name off the BC as revenge because he’s cheated, I’ve seen posts saying “not surprised about huw Edward’s, no men can control themselves” and other numerous anti male threads and posts.

im a female for reference.

curious to see peoples opinions

YABU- it’s not constantly sexist on here
YANBU- it is constantly sexist on here

No I did not say I have only ever witnessed men being kind and courteous you're making things up to prove a point.

All of those behaviours you listed are abuse. Apart from banter which if everyone is joining in and laughing is just some weird male bonding thing they do or if everyone is not laughing and enjoying it is bullying which is again different from bitchyness.

There is a whole world of difference between bitchyness and abuse/bullying, you're just blowing what I said out of proportion to prove your point.

Malicious or spitefully critical? Of course it is. I agree its also abusive. But the two are not 'totally different' or mutually exclusive. Much abuse is malicious or spitefully critical and much that is malicious or spitefully critical is abusive.

You're moving the goalposts here. You said women are snide and bitchy because they use words whereas men have a little fight and move on.

I've just listed a load of examples of men being snide and using words to put people down and you're saying that doesn't count.

Men can be just as spiteful as women, they can also bully people. They can also gossip and whatever stereotypes you've pinned on women. You have unconscious bias towards women and discount the evidence when it comes from men. That comes from living in a misogynist society.

I have a 20y son. The stories he tells me of ‘banter’ from people can definitely give ‘bitchy’ women a run for their money. The worst thing is that no young man is allowed to show any hurt or upset from insults as that would make things worse for the ‘victim’. ‘It’s just banter’….

Do you go onto threads about racism and chant "White Lives Matter Too!" - because that's what this feels like.

The vast majority of women know that it's not ALL men, but it's a frighteningly high number that would perpetuate harm if they thought they could get away with it.

We all think "yes, but not our Nigel" - but the many female partners of rapists/murderers etc often thought the same. We can desperately hope that we have one of the good guys - and some of us genuinely will. But there is evidence to suggest that given the opportunity, there is a horrifying proportion of men that would carry out rape etc, if they thought they could get away with it.

And even on a lower level, there are lots of men out there who genuinely think they're one of the good guys but actually they're full of misogyny and don't even realise it. To use one example, the MRAs who are insistent that trans women should be able to use women's changing rooms etc - they often describe themselves as feminists but have absolutely NO idea what the problem might be. They don't have any idea of what women have to deal with on a day to day basis. They speak over us and foist their male-centric ideas on us without ever stopping to consider that our needs might be different.

And then you have the handsy men, or the ones who like to leer a bit or sleaze - and in the wrong situation this can be extremely intimidating. The Uber driver who "accidentally" keeps touching your leg, the man on the Tube who presses up against your breasts or bum, and so on.

It's not divisive to acknowledge that men and women have different life experiences that are based on their biological sex. Women are treated differently, and women have to go to much greater lengths in order to keep themselves safe. By contrast, the vast majority of murders, assaults, rape, and other violent crimes are carried out by men. In the UK, a woman is killed every 2-3 days by a man.

We don't need to stick to stereotyped gender roles but we can't escape the reality of our biology. And that means women are more vulnerable, physically. Add to that the effect of testosterone on men plus cultural misogynistic messaging, and there's a whole cauldron of male toxicity.

There are good men out there. And there are violent women out there. But none of this detracts from the problem we have with men. The issue is that society still treats women like walking sex objects, and as second class citizens. There's no equality and no parity, and many men are still continuing to commit violent crimes and abusing women on a more general level.

We know that NAMALT but that doesn't mean we can't be horrified by the crimes that men continue to commit, and the general behaviour of them as an overall sex class.

A few years ago I would probably have agreed with you. But having experienced the very worst of entitled male behaviour lately,I certainly don't agree. People keep saying 'Oh,it's just a small minority of men that are like that'. Actually,I think it's a small minority of men who are NOT like that. A incident yesterday brought this home to me. I was chatting to a male friend of mine and asked him if he'd heard about Mohamed Al Fayed,and in excess of 150 women coming forward alleging sexual abuse or rape by him. His response? Good for him. I kid you not. I was flabbergasted and said 'Really? That's what you think?'. He then tried to back pedal and say he was only joking. But I do wonder if he was just trying to appease me because he saw I was annoyed. Needless to say,I don't count him as a friend any more. It's men like him who,while not actually carrying out these acts themselves, quietly approve of other men doing them.

I can see that. I got bullied heavily at school and most people think girls, but it was a 50/50 split.

@toadinthebucket fair point, and of course MN is made up of thousands of people with differing opinions. But there is definitely a “MN majority view”, at least in terms of the posts people make. No idea what their personal opinions may be, especially those who don’t post at all.

No one says ‘all men are like this’. Well very few if any. Many people seem to say ‘not all men are like this’ (NAMALT). Which is unnecessary as it’s pretty obvious. But still some people seem to feel the need to say it - when it’s REALLY not the point.

No😂 because it’s an anonymous forum, some people just comment to have a go, berate.Also it’s worth bearing in mind, men are commenting on women’s matters, solely to put women down.There are women who are of a completely different generation to the OP, supporting misogyny.

How do you know what generation I am from?

Exactly l don’t, nobody does, that’s the whole point.Do you really think young women are going to be misogynistic to other younger women🙄

Wasn’t being misogynistic, I was pretty much just saying there is a level of sexism on here, and some people agreed. I’m 29.

I didn’t say you, personally were being misogynistic.My original comment was to
arethereanyleftatall, who said, isn’t every poster, just giving there own opinion, based on there own experience, and that’s when l mentioned misogyny, because this an anonymous forum.It was you, that didn’t agree with my comment, to which l then elaborated on.Not sure why you’re taking that personally, because l’m also saying there’s sexism on this forum.

I think the point is, why in the context of life in a society where the real sexism (ie the sexism that actually causes harm) is directed at women, you want to turn the spotlight on to your perception of sexism towards men?
What is about women on a site that the vast majority of men have zero interest in and never see, talking on occasion about men in a negative way, that you feel is so concerning you need to start a thread to tell us off about it?
The average man couldn't care less if some women on MN are critical of men. They really couldn't. And why should they? The world remains geared up for them. They won't be losing any of their power, privilege or advantage any time soon, and either agree there's a problem if they're decent, or have little to no interest in women's views anyway.
Genuine question OP, why as a young woman do you feel men are in need if your protection from women on MN? What do you think will happen if you don't take up arms in their defence?

YABU, because the vast majority of posters on here do not say that all men are awful.

Given the many thousands of comments submitted to Mumsnet, I would say your observation is likely to be more reflective of your current confirmation bias than evidence of sexism on this platform.

I’m not saying they need protection, I just notice a lot of it. For example, a woman on a thread today was lamenting she needed hospitalised for her MH for having an affair with a married man who had children. Knowing he was married. Nearly everyone was there to say oh it’s all his fault, nobody said it’s both their faults.

Can you link the thread?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5174558-35-years-later-and-hes-leaving-his-wife?page=1

Note she didn’t reply to anyone who said it was her fault

I can’t see where ‘Nearly everyone was there to say oh it’s all his fault’?

Lots of women are telling the OP that she was wrong.

And others can see that OP has already been punished, first an abusive relationship, then her mental health affected by the affair. She was also abused as a child. She hasn’t seen the man for 3.5 years so what would be the point in calling OP a home wrecker etc?

They’re telling her that getting back with this man now he’s separating is a bad idea. That doesn’t mean they’re saying the affair was all his fault.

there have been a lot more replies since ive been on it, but to yoiur other point, being abused in the past doesn’t (child abuse or partner abuse) make what she has done right or give her any excuse or mean that she can't be described as a homewredker. In fact, the abuse should make her more empathetic- that man’s children’s lives will be obliterated. Her abusive relationship was before she met him. She got with him partly for financial gain too if you read it properly. If you read her replies she is still considering meeting him. the thread is full of "he took adabntage its all his fault" which is laughable

there are many more threads

I didn't see the thread. However if someone was saying they needed to be hospitalised due to MH issues they probably don't need people jumping on to make them feel worse, do they? I'd be very surprised if no one did blame them though. I've never once seen a thread where a woman admitted to being an OW where she wasn't given a very hard time indeed, so I'd say that was the exception not the rule.

Anyway, that doesn't answer my question. I know you want to flag up instances where you believe men are treated unfairly on MN. I asked you, given all the things I said, why you want to do that? What harm do you see, and why does it matter to you?

Do you know what my husband said earlier? We were watching the news, and most of the news stories were, as is often the case at the moment, about war, people promising revenge for attacks, you name it.

DH said: "It's always men, isn't it? It's men who do all this, isn't it?".

He's not wrong.