AIBU to not want to call my daughter’s genitals her vagina?

[BabyEl]

I know, I know, I know….we live in a enlightened age. I know it’s all the rage but vagina just doesn’t sit well with me.

my daughter has started to ask ‘what’s this’ pointing at her ‘bits’ and we need an answer soon!

i know all the arguments, I know “that’s what it’s called!” And “you call an arm an arm” etc but 1) that’s not what it’s called (technically that’s just the inner passage) and 2) when do people really use the word vagina?

do you say “my vagina is a bit sore today” or “oh yeah hubby, my vagina feels so good”

also vulva? No one says that anywhere.

do let’s put those arguments to bed.

secondly, “if you don’t use the real names and god forbid a crime occurs, the case could collapse due to incorrect name use”

I’ve seen this one a lot but I’m sceptical. Is our CPS so dull and dim witted that they will reject a child testimony because she failed to use medical grade terminology? I mean, maybe…? Is there any evidence of this happening?

anyway, I’d don’t like it. I don’t like front bottom, fanny or fufu either. I’m looking for something but not those and not the V word…

am I being unreasonable?

DD knows the correct terms but for general conversation we say 'bits', so I'll say something like 'make sure you wash your pits and bits properly when you're in the bath, just sitting in the water doesn't count'.

Hah- I’m pregnant and, since she was curious, explained how babies are born to my three year old. Now I get woken up with ‘ is today the day the baby jumps out of your ‘Gina’ which is lovely way of keeping pregnancy grounded. Not quite sure why she’s convinced it’s going to be a ‘jump’

My kids are all grown up and I'm so glad I gave this type of thing almost no thought whatsoever. We used boys bits and willys and girls bits or a general 'bits and bobs' . We had a kids fact book on the body with all the info you could want, including pictures. We weren't embarrassed about anything in particular.

The thing I always think of when I see these threads is how neither me or my kids have ever needed to discuss our 'bits and bobs'. I used to remind them to wash their bits properly when they were little but there hasn't been a single time we've mentioned it since and it's not because it's awkward or embarrassing it's literally because there has been no need.

I mean this is bonkers, not sure who your GP is but mine has always referred to the correct terms for body parts and if they didn’t I’d be changing my doctor.

We sau minnie and willy, same as when I was a kid, but right from whej they were preschoolers we always made sure they knew the proper names.

As I’ve explained (and I’m commenting again because this is linked to my post), I’ll use the correct terms if that’s what the patient chooses to use, if they don’t then I’ll match the language they are comfortable with.

It’s case by case, if you came into my clinical room today and said ‘vulva’, that’s the term I’d use. If you came in and said ‘bits’, I’d mirror your language.

Of course I know the correct terminology, and will translate what the patient has said into anatomically correct terms when I type up my notes, but for patient comfort and understanding, I will always mirror their language.

My sons, from very young age, 3ish, knew they had a penis, but we used the word dinkle. Not having girls there wasn't a lot of reason for a nickname, we just used Vagina.
In the area I grew up in a vagina was often referred to as your noony (most of us still use that) or your betsy. I find it quite difficult to hear a person call out to their little Betsy (a very common name now), it doesn't sound 'nice'.

Maybe if you didn’t do that though people would get much more comfortable with using the correct terminology and realise it’s not a big deal. I just don’t think it’s a very professional way of dealing with it and think we all need to debunk this ridiculous myth that’s it’s not okay to say the word ‘vulva’ out loud. Our children will just carry on this outdated dumbing down of women’s genitals and really, is that a good thing?

I love how posters think that genitals should always be referred to by their anatomical names by any child over the age of 18 months because it’s ‘babyish’ to give them other names, yet over on another thread there are grown adults and teens who still call their parents “Mummy and Daddy”.

Oh was it not clear. I don’t trust your judgement and your advice is inconsequential to me. If you don’t like your choices being termed juvenile, don’t act in such a juvenile manner. If you’re embarrassed and ashamed of your body, or if you just don’t care, own it!

The weirdest thing on this thread is how many people use the term ‘front bottom’. What even is that? Your genital area is nothing like a bottom.

Yes! It’s like saying ‘upper feet’ for hands or ‘chest buttocks’ for breasts!

How many people are tou discussing your fanny with to be using the word? I've never spoke about any of my bits with anyone other than a Dr....and a Dr I used the correct term otherwise I'd look like a dafty.
Tell.your daughter what it's called and she will probably nevwr speak of it again or inless she actually has an issue with it.

please refer yourself to your username.

There’s a time and a place for teaching people the correct names for their body parts.

In a sexual health consultation, someone wants to know what’s wrong with their genitals and what I’m going to do to fix it, so that is the focus. If I start introducing more words that they might not be comfortable or familiar with just as a teaching opportunity, they may leave the appointment more confused about what’s going on than they came in.

You are of course entitled to your opinion, but I will respectfully disagree. ’Professionalism’ is very nuanced in my line of work. It would be unprofessional of me to start reeling off a list of anatomical terms that the patient doesn’t understand. It would be also be unprofessional of me to use colloquialisms for a patient who has already indicated that they understand correct anatomical terminology, which is why I adapt my language to suit the person in front of me (person-centred care).

Also very important for consent, as if I ask for consent to do XYZ but the patient doesn’t have full understanding of what I’m asking as they aren’t familiar with the terms I’m using and just say ‘yes’ despite not knowing what I mean, that isn’t informed consent. If someone says ‘bits’ and I ask if I can examine that ‘bit’, they know what I mean. If someone says ‘bits’ and I ask if I can examine their ‘vulva’ but for some reason don’t know what that means, I don’t have their fully informed consent. That’s why it’s very important for me to mirror language.

My approach is fully in line with the NMC Code (you can check!); healthcare is not ‘one size fits all’ and you have to adapt your approach to ensure you are meeting the needs of every patient.

@MrsJoanDanvers 'Bottom' itself is a euphemism - 'buttocks' would be the accurate term.

With that in mind, 'front bottom' is no more odd or inaccurate than the term 'bottom' itself.

For those that have not migrated to anatomical terms, 'front bottom' is widely understood so will likely not provide a safeguarding risk in hindering understanding if a child were to report SA

Edited to include MrsJoanDanvers to whom reply is intended

'front bottom' is at least more easy to decipher than cookie, minnie, foof and nunny.

Is our CPS so dull and dim witted that they will reject a child testimony because she failed to use medical grade terminology? I mean, maybe…? Is there any evidence of this happening?

It's not that they would reject the testimony. The problem is it wouldn't get as far as them, because no one would realise what the child was trying to disclose (a young child isn't going to be able to tell you they wish to make a disclosure or asking you to contact CPS) . If a 3yo said to you "daddy touch twinkle" you might think they have a Teddy called twinkle or have just been putting up twinkley Christmas lights. If they said "daddy touch vulva/vagina" you'd know it needed investigating.

I am absolutely positive there is a way of integrating both approaches and making sure before anything is examined/referred to/discussed that they know that the names refer to their ‘bits’ otherwise all the recent letters I have had from the hospital referring to my genitalia and cervix would be incomprehensible to me if I wasn’t educated about my body parts? The letters certainly didn’t just refer to my ‘bits’ but then that would also be confusing for them surely? …if .in the doctors they are talked about as ‘bits’ but then they get a letter from the surgery/hospital where it’s referred to as something else? There needs to be some clarification about the correct use of words? Surely?

This is kind of embarrassing but my mother was super awkward about naming genitals and gave me a stupid name for mine. When I was about 18 I had thrush for the first time and had to go to the doctor at uni and the GP was exasperated because I really struggled to think of the proper name for exactly where the itching was... I'd go for vulva.

WTF? 🤷‍♀️ I can’t figure out if this comment is in defence of using the terms vagina and vulva, or against it!

Bizarre 😳

I think she’s saying that this is the problem with using “vagina” to refer to the external bits.

One of my, now adult, kids had an issue with their genitalia. Not saying exactly what as it would be outing for them. It required a trip to A&E, so it was important that:
A) I knew exactly where the issue was.
And
B) I could tell the receptionist at A&E exactly what was happening.
We didn't have any misunderstandings about the urgency or nature of the problem.

And that’s fine, using the word vulva is absolutely fine. I just meant that the word ‘vagina’ has pretty much evolved to be interchangeable between the two. Even NHS literature will often use vagina in place of vulva. Language and meaning naturally change and shift, and I think this is one example 🤷‍♀️