AIBU to not want to call my daughter’s genitals her vagina?

[BabyEl]

I know, I know, I know….we live in a enlightened age. I know it’s all the rage but vagina just doesn’t sit well with me.

my daughter has started to ask ‘what’s this’ pointing at her ‘bits’ and we need an answer soon!

i know all the arguments, I know “that’s what it’s called!” And “you call an arm an arm” etc but 1) that’s not what it’s called (technically that’s just the inner passage) and 2) when do people really use the word vagina?

do you say “my vagina is a bit sore today” or “oh yeah hubby, my vagina feels so good”

also vulva? No one says that anywhere.

do let’s put those arguments to bed.

secondly, “if you don’t use the real names and god forbid a crime occurs, the case could collapse due to incorrect name use”

I’ve seen this one a lot but I’m sceptical. Is our CPS so dull and dim witted that they will reject a child testimony because she failed to use medical grade terminology? I mean, maybe…? Is there any evidence of this happening?

anyway, I’d don’t like it. I don’t like front bottom, fanny or fufu either. I’m looking for something but not those and not the V word…

am I being unreasonable?

I've always used the proper names. I don't think it's terrible to use willy or - no.idea what the equivalent for women's genitalia is- as long as it's something that unequivocally defines the object. Words are there to make communication easier so if you use strange words that people won't understand it defeats the purpose.

I prefer penis and vulva/vagina as to me most other terms sound either derogatory, like swear words or sexualised.

Google “snippafallet” or «snippadomen” and use google translate.

It’s not about being “dull and dim witted” - using different words “flower” etc can cause an ambiguity that makes it hard to ascertain what actually happened and prove it to the required standard. All I’ll say is that as someone who used to work on CSA cases, I’m teaching my girls to use vagina, just in case.

Language evolves and changes over time and some words shift meaning. ‘Vagina’ is now nearly always used in place of the word vulva, and pretty much understood by most people to mean that.

also vulva? No one says that anywhere.

Some people do use vulva.

Personally I find it better than cringing listening to people say things like "I waxed my vagina" and "he saw my vagina".

No, you didn't.

And no, he didn't.

Well the general populace isn't exactly intellectual.

Doesn't mean everyone has to go along with it.

I'm not using it just because Love Island Contestants don't know what a vagina is.

What about private parts or privates

Your insistence on reading stories of child SA is a bit weird OP. People involved in that line of work have said it's common, that should be enough?

You haven't actually explained why you don't want to use vulva or vagina. Is it because you're squeamish? I'd sort out your internal misogyny and then you'll be fine.

Also it's not "all the rage" its literally always been called a vulva.

Indeed.

All I’ll say is that as someone who used to work on CSA cases

I think that because of CSA and sexual assault/rape, women should probably use vulva & vagina ... Because it could be relevant re. what they are referring to.

I would teach her that the proper words are vulva for the bits you can see, vagina for the inside parts, and that boys have a penis and testicles - but that she can use private parts or bits (or whatever, those are my preference) and willy for boys as they're easy to remember and say.

I always wonder what’s wrong with ‘fanny’, too.

I can’t really articulate it, it’s not rational I just find it absolutely disgusting. I actually prefer “pussy” to “Fanny” even though it’s much worse on paper.

Just to set the record straight on the crime thing- children who call their genitals by the correct name are statistically LESS LIKELY to be VICTIMS of SA. It's for prevention, not prosecution.

Also pp’s on this thread are highlighting the importance of precise and unambiguous labels in the context of CSA- quite right- but also these labels are important in more everyday medical contexts! There are reasons we have words to describe different things FFS. Why is this so controversial when it comes to female body parts?

We use vulva. It did feel a bit strange at first, because it's not really a word that's commonly used, but now it's just normal. Both DD and DS use vulva and penis.

The whole bit about CPS and not using the correct terms is easily sorted. The investigator should ask “what do you use that for” and “do you know another name for that” when the children use words like flower. They will usual answer “to wee out of” or “to poo out of”. In many years investigating child sexual abuse I rarely heard children use the correct terms for these body parts.

My discomfort at the words is typical of the male-centred, period shaming vibe I was taught by my uptight mother.

We have tried very hard to raise our child with no body shame. She uses the right words and has done from a young age. She has no qualms about asking her dad to bring a sanitary pad into the bathroom for her.

It's been uphill for me more than her but it's worth it to eradicate generations of shame women have felt about their bodies and the natural functions it has.

Stick with the proper words for her sake.

"Ugly"

really.. words for female genitals are not 'ugly' you're just dealing with internalised misogyny that teaches that female sex organs are 'dirty' and it makes you uncomfortable and avoidant.

Stop passing that on to your kids. Its a Vulva, those are inner and outer Labia, and the inside bit is the Vagina ffs.

Own it.

I just used the term vulva.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t?

My kids know the real words but we use nicknames in day to day conversation.

Absolutely. My mother passed on to her three daughters an internalised shame about female bodies and their processes, and that these must at all costs be concealed from men, or it wasn’t ‘nice’.

We grew up with an outdoor loo and later on a tiny loo built just inside the back door which she wouldn’t allow a bin in, so periods involved keeping sanitary towels hidden in our bedroom, hiding them up our sleeves, walking through living room and kitchen, changing a pad, wrapping the soiled one in toilet paper and sneaking it back to our bedroom via the same route. Used pads were kept in a plastic bag in your drawer and sneaked out periodically to the outside bin. It was a miserable way to deal with starting your periods.

And this was compounded by her total lack of vocabulary for periods. To this day she refers to a period as ‘the other old thing’.

Use the proper terms.

Yes, this.
And I suggest you start calling stuff its right names.
You are supposedly the adult.

We always used the proper biological terms. It's really hard to know what the child is talking about if they are using some 'cutsie' word if it's just a family thing. There are terms that people have used here and I find it confusing. So, just use the correct word, that way there is no ambiguity.

Well done you. It's been really tough for me too but completely worth it as it was very much my own personal discomfort like you say.

We’ve kind of ended up with peanut thanks to mispronunciation! 🤦🏻‍♀️