AIBU to not want to call my daughter’s genitals her vagina?

[BabyEl]

I know, I know, I know….we live in a enlightened age. I know it’s all the rage but vagina just doesn’t sit well with me.

my daughter has started to ask ‘what’s this’ pointing at her ‘bits’ and we need an answer soon!

i know all the arguments, I know “that’s what it’s called!” And “you call an arm an arm” etc but 1) that’s not what it’s called (technically that’s just the inner passage) and 2) when do people really use the word vagina?

do you say “my vagina is a bit sore today” or “oh yeah hubby, my vagina feels so good”

also vulva? No one says that anywhere.

do let’s put those arguments to bed.

secondly, “if you don’t use the real names and god forbid a crime occurs, the case could collapse due to incorrect name use”

I’ve seen this one a lot but I’m sceptical. Is our CPS so dull and dim witted that they will reject a child testimony because she failed to use medical grade terminology? I mean, maybe…? Is there any evidence of this happening?

anyway, I’d don’t like it. I don’t like front bottom, fanny or fufu either. I’m looking for something but not those and not the V word…

am I being unreasonable?

You said that it may not be shared publicly and she said that it was mentioned in many true crime cases that she has seen.

Something doesn’t add up here.

how is she seeing these cases if the details are not shared?

Why would you want to read them? It would be distressing. The main point is if the child has a name that doesn’t raise alarm bells any disclosure could go without being acted upon.

YABU The more you use the terms the less 'harsh' they sound.
This is a bit outting as I've told this story irl. When my Dd was about 3, she heard the T'pau song 'China in your hand' and asked why the lady was singing about Vagina in her hand 🤣
Makes me smile every time I hear the song which is not often enough tbh

The argument for using correct terms is to avoid misunderstanding when a child relates a crime. The example used in my training was a child relaying that her Grandad "licked her cookie". I'm not convinced that's a real example, but I supposed there is scope for misunderstanding.

I've always used privates or private parts. I think that would always be clear, even if more questioning was required to establish exactly which private part.

it’s also worth noting a significant number of cases are nfa’d (no further action) in the uk - so many of the children we work with will not even get to court. If the CPS think the case doesn’t stand a serious chance winning , it will be nfa’d. The public will know nothing about it - so I can think of several cases I’ve personally worked with where this is the case. the family , the alleged perpetrator and the professionals involved in the case will all remember it but no one else will even be aware it was even investigated and it certainly won’t be reported publicly

wildly inappropriate? Really? Why?

Our girl version of Willy is Wilma.

It is really, really weird how you keep asking people to post cases of child SA just because you don’t want to use adult terms for a body part. Please, grow up

I was always taught minnie and I believe that's what my nieces have been taught.

My son called them his 'testisticles'. Now he just uses 'balls'

Fanny was the old term- I still get a 'shock' when Americans call a 'bum bag'{for dog treats/poo bags &c} a ''Fanny Pack''

Or they say ''I fell on my Fanny'' which sounds very painful.

Admittedly I am old, but I don't remember my parents ever using any words at all : not even "privates".
I had boys so the question never really arose:

She will only be weird about vagina if you are.

You can say
'My privates' for now if you like as that is clear terminology that adults will understand and take seriously if she discloses abuse and it also reinforces the message that it's private and hers.
Lot up nspcc pants rule too.
I would also get a book about body parts to teach her correct terms .

I like it!

This reminds me of 'bonus hole' on another thread

We use "vagina". Yes, I know the outer part is the vulva but we are talking about the whole organ.

I don't say "my duodenum is hurting"; I say "my tummy".

Same situation.

You say “no one says vulva” but I think that’s an issue in itself! They should say vulva because vagina is the inside part (not saying you don’t know this but it’s a reason to say it)

It’s a problem that adults don’t say the word vulva.

I don’t have any other helpful suggestions for a word - I have skimmed the full thread but still don’t think anything else works.

Wtaf is this thread??? Why do you want your children to grow up thinking that the words that describe their female body parts are taboo?
we used vulva because that’s what it is. Vagina is also fine.
FooFoo???! How gross and cutesy is that 🤮 never even heard of it.

I’m not sure why you’re looking for ways to deny CSA whereby an important case detail was the terminology used by the child being used by the adult male’s (usually) defence team to cast doubt as to what he had done.

Because it does happen.

By all means don’t arm your child with the actual names of her own anatomy if ‘it doesn’t sit right’ with you, but I would be cautious about attempting to cast doubt upon the very valid reasons many, if not most, parents choose to use actual anatomical labelling to help protect their children.

I know what you mean OP, I find it uncomfortable too. However, I made myself question why I find it uncomfortable and ultimately decided I don't want to pass on that discomfort to my children. It was an interesting line of thought, why society sees 'willy', 'dick', 'cock' etc as everyday (allbeit slightly rude) words but 'fanny', 'foof' and 'c*nt' are either cringe or so rude that I don't even want to write the full word here for fear someone will take offence. I think it was Caitlin Moran who changed the narrative for me to say she has a piece of anatomy so strong that people fear to speak of it in public!

So, we call genitals...genitals! Or more specifically penis and vulva. I also considered all the alternative words for vulva and decided that really none of them sounded better than another (hate foof for example) so why not just stick to being anatomically correct. I'm trying to raise them to not cringe when they think of or refer to their own body parts, and to have as much body positivity as I can muster. It's really out of my comfort zone, but I've been told I'm putting on a good show of it.

It's worked so far, my 3 and 5 year olds say the words the same as they would say knee or elbow. Perhaps that'll change with school influences etc, but we're trying to lay good foundations.

It helps that DH is German, and on the whole they have far less hang ups about nudity, body parts, body hair and the rest of it than some other countries.

Fanny, privates or bits are fine. No misunderstandings will arise if a child mentioned someone touching her fanny, it's not a word that can be misunderstood.

OP terribly desperate to justify not using the word vulva. FFS.
There are online legal resources where you can read the full cases including testimonies and judgements. The CSA above can point you in the right direction I’m sure.
I’m a lawyer, but I’m not going to. This aversion to the word vulva and the word vagina is just too irritating and nothing gets better while women can’t even happily name their own anatomy nor teach their daughters to do so. FFS.

And you think that’s a good thing? That you grew up having no words to describe your female body parts?

We say vagina - I know I know its technically not correct for the whole area but the naming of specific parts can come later. I talk to her about "how many holes there are" and what they are for, in language she can understand. Felt a bit weird explaining the first time but she gets it and I realised the weirdness was only in my head. She's completely comfortable with it now.

I explain as much of the world as I can to her - I would feel weird talking in depth to her about dinosaurs and the water cycle etc but then telling her she has a "fanny" or a "foof". Doesn't sit right with me. She needs to know. We need to arm them with as much knowledge as possible.

It can be used by a defence team to very successfully deny ‘severity’ in the horrific event of CSA. I don’t think adult social discomfort around actual names of things should be passed on to children, but that’s me. You do you.