He goes away, I can’t

[Aspire5253]

DH has been away to Europe without me twice this year. Once with a family member and once to stay with friends. When I was younger I used to visit Canada regularly. I know people there but they are not close friends. I considered going again, alone, as a kind of last hurrah, and relive a few old memories. (I’m 61 but fit).DH says No way and half jokingly that if I went he would change the locks. Basically there is no way I can go. We have plenty of money so the only issue is me going without him. Am I wrong to be annoyed at this attitude.

I just find people who can't live without their spouses for a couple of weeks deeply pathetic.

Though of course he can when he is the one going away so that's a flimsy excuse.

Probably doesn't think it exists, or that women should just do as they're told and lump it or it's their fault men aren't happy.

ping. Got it in one.

But he wasn’t worried how you would cope without him when he went away twice was he?

Is or because you cook and clean for him?

Read back your own OP:

Basically there is no way I can go.

This is not the doing of an ‘amazing man’.

I am not telling you to LTB. I am telling you to plan a solo trip. Solo travel is liberating and so rejuvenating.
Let me guess, he can't switch on the fob when you are away.
Why can't you go when he goes away?

I’m the same age and my husband is fairly useless on the domestic front (never cooks), but he survives just fine when I go away on my own or with the kids.

However, the main difference between our two husbands is that mine isn’t selfish and always wants the best for me and not himself.

A man who consistently puts his own needs first really isn’t remotely amazing! 🤨

Are there other signs of coercive control? sounds abusive. My wife is potentially off for a month next year with primary age kids, part work part pleasure. I’ll make it work here.

Why can you not go to Canada together?

If you die before him, how will he cope with life ?

He copes OK on holiday in Europe without you !!!

Ha ha! Why couldn't he cope without you? Does he have disabilities or additional need which means he is unable to feed or care for himself? (NB having a penis is not an additional need)

Why should she go to Canada with him? She'd be going to see HER friends.

I would be changing theclocks next time he goes away without you. Take half the money in the account and go travelling.

He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc

Him missing you doesn't stop him going away though, does it? Likewise he miraculously manages to cope without you when he goes on his solo trips. And if he worries about you then why is he leaving you at home to go off on his own?

He's not an amazing man. He's a sexist prick who wants you keeping the home fires burning whilst he goes off and does what he wants.

He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc

Then say you'll go whilst he is away, happily managing without you.

Op, if you have fallen for the 'I can't cope without you' line (when it blatantly is a lie since he goes on solo holidays) it raises serious concerns about the dynamics of power in your relationship.

This is clearly emotional manipulation. He knows all he has to do is say a few words to make you feel needed and wanted- and then in return you presumably run around after him catering (probably literally) for his every whim, desperate to please him for more 'praise'.

What happened in your life to make you fall for this?

Words mean nothing, actions are everything.

In my first year at university I had a very charming boyfriend. I remember once he stroked my arm as he asked me what we were having for supper. I was halfway out of the door on my way to the staircase kitchen - when I realised I’d been had. Turned around and confronted him for his deliberate manipulation of me. Do you know he admitted it quite cheerfully.

I can’t imagine how many years the OP must have spent not realising what her life has become.

OP if you have children, give some thought to the dynamics you and your husband have modelled to your children.

Your husband a manipulative, controlling man who threatens his wife.

You, his wife, who runs around after him and allows him to absolutely control you whilst thinking he is "an amazing man".

@Aspire5253 Can I ask how he would have responded had you said you would change the locks if he went to Europe? And given the same reasons?

Would he have messaged his friends and said ‘basically there is no way I can go’ ?

I doubt the OP will come back.

The truth often hurts and she's hanging on to her denial like grim death

Indeed …

Which wouldn't be surprising as this will be hard reading and take a while to process.

Op you are 60

Potentially, you have another 25 to 30 years to live

Will you be sitting at 90 thinking to yourself, "I wish that I had travelled to Canada to see my friends, whe I had my health & energy" ???

Book the trip

BTW I go on holidays & trips with my friends with or without my partner.

I have been on holiday on my own

I also go on holiday with my family, with or without my partner

I have always done this

Nobody will stop my freedom !

Op you are 60. Potentially, you have another 25 to 30 years to live

Some of us in our 60s have parents in their 90s fully looking forward to future adventures …

You have one life.we never know how long we are here for.please go and enjoy yourself.xx

That’s very controlling. Why does he feel it’s ok to him?