He goes away, I can’t

[Aspire5253]

DH has been away to Europe without me twice this year. Once with a family member and once to stay with friends. When I was younger I used to visit Canada regularly. I know people there but they are not close friends. I considered going again, alone, as a kind of last hurrah, and relive a few old memories. (I’m 61 but fit).DH says No way and half jokingly that if I went he would change the locks. Basically there is no way I can go. We have plenty of money so the only issue is me going without him. Am I wrong to be annoyed at this attitude.

My partner really doesn't like travelling or socialising and has always tried to curtail what I do. However, I made it clear from the start of our relationship that he could come with me or stay at home but I was still going! I dread to think what other 'control measures' would be put in place if I allowed that to happen. We get on fine and his quiet sulking is ignored until he gets over it!

The op isn’t coming back, fair enough, she’s afraid to face the truth. Wonder what other minor things ‘this wonderful husband’ does not allow her to do…

Be interested to know what other ways he controls your life. Just go, life is short

Probably many, many more ways. But I think the way he controls OP is one of the most insidious. And that is by making her feel 'protected' and 'cherished' in order to control her. It's so easy to do and so hard for the victim to actually 'see'.

Create the feeling that everything the 'controller' does is 'for' the benefit of the victim and out of a 'loving desire' to keep her 'safe'. It creates the feeling that 'He cares so much, everything he does/asks/says must be for my benefit so I should go along with it. I'm sure he knows best" and/or "He will stop 'cherishing and protecting me' if I don't do XYZ". Add in "He cares so deeply about me, I don't want to hurt him". It also creates a deep dependency in the victim, it makes them feel that they need the 'cherishing' and 'protecting' because it also whittles away their belief in their own instincts and need for autonomy. This is why OP feels that he's 'amazing' and why she won't go against him.

Last hurrah? You are 61!! Why don't you go away together?

Oh wow, controlling much. My partner and I are not the sort to want to go to places without the other but sometimes I have to for work and he has recently for a funeral. You still do it. Not letting your partner go because he doesn’t is one thing but not letting your partner go when he does is ridiculous. Has he always been controlling?

The 1940s just called me, they want their misogynist back

That’s controlling behaviour. He’s emotionally manipulating you. Next time he wants to go away use exactly the same phrases as he does with you. Does he really need his hypocrisy spelling out to him? Don’t take it as a compliment that he loves and cares about you - it’s an insult.

He’s basically saying these false epithets to mask the fact he either doesn’t trust you, doesn’t think you’ll actually be able to cope bc you’re incapable of travelling for whatever reason - basically incompetent, he’s saying he won’t be able to cope without you - in his own home - but he is capable of coping without you on foreign soil and when in the company of others? 🤔

He sounds a prize twat to me. The fact you said it wasn’t a bad/negative reason then directly said it came from selfishness 🤷🏼‍♀️ Has he conditioned you into believing this is an attribute? Do you run around after him at home so that in fact is what he’ll miss, not your company?

Many of us I’m sure would pack your bags, OP!

Men can be so fragile. Why don't you make some plans and call his bluff?!

So he is using emotional blackmail to 'keep you in your place'? It is ok for him to see the world, visit friends (and possibly be doing things maybe you would not approve of)... yet now for you? You are to be the golden bird in the cage awaiting him hand and foot for his emotional comfort?

You do not need to get divorced, yet best to have a REALLY good handle on the financials (know where they all are, have records of taxes, investments, earnings, everything) in a safe place.

Because when you do stand your ground and go travelling, it is highly possible he will start the financial abuse while you are gone.

Exactly. It is gaslighting the self as the cognitive dissonce of really seeing the reality is too painful.

Does he think you will behave the same way he does?