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Original poster

He goes away, I can’t

262 replies

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 16:28

DH has been away to Europe without me twice this year. Once with a family member and once to stay with friends. When I was younger I used to visit Canada regularly. I know people there but they are not close friends. I considered going again, alone, as a kind of last hurrah, and relive a few old memories. (I’m 61 but fit).DH says No way and half jokingly that if I went he would change the locks. Basically there is no way I can go. We have plenty of money so the only issue is me going without him. Am I wrong to be annoyed at this attitude.

OP posts:
HolyPeaches · 22/09/2024 21:38

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc

THIS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨

It’s normal for spouses to miss each other if the other one is in another country far away. But it shouldn’t be held against you in a way to make you feel guilty.

& of course he would cope without you. He’s being a selfish arsehole man child!

kiwiane · 22/09/2024 21:39

He’s not amazing if he doesn’t encourage you to live your life to the full!

rainsofcastamere · 22/09/2024 21:41

Retape · 22/09/2024 21:31

Does he not fancy Canada?

Please don't suggest she goes to Canada with him....

6pence · 22/09/2024 21:50

Oh course you could go - if money is no object.

But why aren’t you travelling together too?

Comtesse · 22/09/2024 21:51

It’s not like you’re 17 and are asking your dad to fund your gap year. I can’t see why he gets to have a vote here, and as for saying it would end your marriage? Oh come on! He’s been a complete donkey.

PenelopePitStrop · 22/09/2024 21:55

He will miss me,
But doesn't miss you when he is away. And doesn't care that you might miss him when he goes on holiday. Missing someone for a couple of weeks is a wholly survivable experience.

be worried about me,
But isn't worried enough about you not to leave you on your own, or care that you might worry when he is away....but spurious anyway. It is not rational to be so worried about a grown capable adult going to Western country that is not at war that you forbid then to go. He should take responsibility for his own worrying: you have a right to make your own decisions.

worried he won’t cope without me
Then he should be ashamed of himself (given that there is no indication of any particular conditions that make him less able to manage alone). Or he could use some of the coping strategies he uses to cope without you when he gallivants about.

SiobhanSharpe · 22/09/2024 21:55

Has he got it into his little brain that it will be dangerous?
It's Canada ffs, not Yemen.

FOJN · 22/09/2024 22:01

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

Selfishness is a bad place.

He will miss you and worry about you but if you have similar concerns about his solo travel you are expected to manage your emotions like an adult rather than turn into a control freak.

He doesn't know how he would cope without you? That's a shameful and pathetic admission of incompetence from a grown man.

Tell him to get a grip.

PenelopePitStrop · 22/09/2024 22:02

lightsandtunnels · 22/09/2024 20:33

I'm not surprised by the responses OP!
Any excuse for a bit of misandry from some MNs 🙄

Because people are telling her to leave him?

When he is threatening to throw HER out if she visits friends in Canada?

So, what does that make him?

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 22/09/2024 22:05

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

He doesn’t miss you when he goes away then?

MSLRT · 22/09/2024 22:14

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

Sorry he doesn’t sound an amazing man. He sounds selfish and controlling.

ManchesterGirl2 · 22/09/2024 22:17

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

He didn't miss you so much that he couldn't go to Europe.

And he should learn to manage his anxiety and have faith in his partner's abilities.

BMW6 · 22/09/2024 22:19

He's not "amazing" OP.

He's a 1st Class Arshole.

EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues · 22/09/2024 22:26

Hmm …

I’m older than you are, @Aspire5253. It’s astonishing to me that you described yourself as 61 but fit. Why would you not be fit unless you have some specific illness or condition. Being 61 doesn’t automatically render a person unfit for normal life.

So I suspect this is another thing coming from your husband. Has he made you believe you are too old to manage anything independently of him? As well as making you believe you need his permission to travel. And that he can lock you out of your home.

I’m afraid your second post was deeply unconvincing. And that you won’t listen to any of the sensible advice you’ve received here.

aloris · 22/09/2024 22:29

First you said there's no way you can go, given his opposition. Then when people told you his behavior was controlling, you said that he's an amazing man and you'll probably go. Are you being truthful with yourself or are you just trying to dismiss information that made you realize your marriage is not all you thought it was?

betterangels · 22/09/2024 22:33

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

Still selfish. Still controlling. Also manipulative. It's a shame you can't see it, but I guess he's had a long time to train you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/09/2024 22:39

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

If he will miss you - why doesn't he miss you when he goes off on a jolly?

No, he's not "an amazing man" - he wears the mask of 'an amazing man' when he's getting his own way, and when he's not the centre of your Universe and being served as if he's God - he behaves like a prick. And you know that already.

FinallyHere · 22/09/2024 22:40

He is an 'amazing' man and husband ... who treats you like a household appliance for his convenience and safety.

I'm sorry, yeh truth sometimes hurts.

BIossomtoes · 22/09/2024 22:41

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

You know that’s all bollocks? I’m off to India with a friend next year and leaving my bloke behind who will wave me off with his blessing.

theleafandnotthetree · 22/09/2024 22:47

EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues · 22/09/2024 22:26

Hmm …

I’m older than you are, @Aspire5253. It’s astonishing to me that you described yourself as 61 but fit. Why would you not be fit unless you have some specific illness or condition. Being 61 doesn’t automatically render a person unfit for normal life.

So I suspect this is another thing coming from your husband. Has he made you believe you are too old to manage anything independently of him? As well as making you believe you need his permission to travel. And that he can lock you out of your home.

I’m afraid your second post was deeply unconvincing. And that you won’t listen to any of the sensible advice you’ve received here.

Very astute, the OP's self description is more like someone 15 years older. Last chance indeed 🙄. And the whole now being able to cope without you, he's presumably not a feeble old man if travelling abroad himself still. I'll still have minimum 5 years of work ahead of me in a demanding job at 61 and only from 66 or so will I get to have adventures. I really hope to have a decade or so of that and more if I'm able. And I'm not just talking about travel but new hobbies, romance, dancing and fun. If you feel in early old age yourself OP and want to live a quieter life, that is of course your choice. But don't let your husband create that narrative lest it become a self fulfilling prophecy. I think a lot of men that age become quite selfish and needy, even those who weren't previously so.

Pallisers · 22/09/2024 23:01

you: DH I am planning a trip to Canada on my own.

him: no way. I'll change the locks if you do that

you: ha ha you weirdo sort yourself out. And if you change the locks I'll break them - it is my house too.

It strikes me you have tolerated a lot of selfish shit in your marriage to think that you going away by yourself has to be justified.

Bantai · 22/09/2024 23:05

Talk about denial🙄..."amazing man" who threatens his wife.🙄.
He has you rightly gaslit.

TofuTart · 22/09/2024 23:12

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

I don't think you should get divorced, I do think you should go by yourself away for a few days/a week though.
Tough shit if he "doesn't like it."
Seriously, it's ok for him but not you?!.
No.
Go. Enjoy

PorridgeEater · 22/09/2024 23:41

"He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc"

Does he miss you / is he worried about you when he goes on holiday?
This is just not right op - you are an adult and should be able to choose what you do. Take note of what many people on here have said.
At least try to discuss it properly with him - maybe with counselling if you think the presence of an independent person might help

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 23/09/2024 00:12

Maybe just me but anyone tells me I can't do something is an absolute red rag to a bull. Hi to Canada. Call his bluff.