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AIBU?

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Original poster

He goes away, I can’t

262 replies

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 16:28

DH has been away to Europe without me twice this year. Once with a family member and once to stay with friends. When I was younger I used to visit Canada regularly. I know people there but they are not close friends. I considered going again, alone, as a kind of last hurrah, and relive a few old memories. (I’m 61 but fit).DH says No way and half jokingly that if I went he would change the locks. Basically there is no way I can go. We have plenty of money so the only issue is me going without him. Am I wrong to be annoyed at this attitude.

OP posts:
Conniebygaslight · 23/09/2024 17:59

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 16:28

DH has been away to Europe without me twice this year. Once with a family member and once to stay with friends. When I was younger I used to visit Canada regularly. I know people there but they are not close friends. I considered going again, alone, as a kind of last hurrah, and relive a few old memories. (I’m 61 but fit).DH says No way and half jokingly that if I went he would change the locks. Basically there is no way I can go. We have plenty of money so the only issue is me going without him. Am I wrong to be annoyed at this attitude.

Yes you are wrong to be annoyed….you should be bloody outraged and tell him to piss off.

Leafygreen84 · 23/09/2024 18:01

OP, I’m truly sad that you’ve grown to accept this controlling behaviour and still describe your husband as an “amazing man”.
no man who’s amazing would control his wife like this. It’s abusive.

BennyBee · 23/09/2024 18:06

My guess would be that he is playing away and the trips are actually with the OW. Since he knows that is why HE goes away without you, he doesn't want you doing the same. You need a clear and direct discussion with him about the double standard and why it exists.

CalmMintReader · 23/09/2024 18:30

Last hurrah? You are far too young for any last anything! Is he always controlling like that? If so, leave him and your new life is just beginning, you can go on as many trips as you like. What an arse.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 23/09/2024 18:44

If he is serious about not ‘letting’ you go to Canada (using emotional manipulation to get what he wants) then yes - it is a divorcable offence in my opinion. He should not be able to dictate where you go or what you do as long as it doesn’t have a huge financial impact ie it was going to get you both in debt. Why does he get to go away twice a year and you zero?!

gerryk62 · 23/09/2024 18:45

He sounds like Alf Garnet
sexist pig

Lanzarotelady · 23/09/2024 18:55

Think you need to grow a bloody back bone and stop making excuses for him!

Chezgb · 23/09/2024 19:01

I am curious to know why you've said, 'I'm 6'1 but fit.' This isn't relevant to anything really.
I used to manage a hotel overnight. We used to get these guys coming in for golfing weekends etc. Some were what I can only describe as misogynist filth. They ridiculed all female staff and endlessly complained about their wives. I asked what the opinions were on their wives going away and I remember one saying, quote, 'I didn't marry a selfish lesbian.'
We must all move away from this perception that women should be eternal grateful for being coupled. Any real man who respects his wife and indeed himself would realise that women need time out too. My husband has no quarms about me going away as I don't with him.
If a woman is in a relationship where she is seen as a commodity(not saying this is what's going on here, but you know what I'm saying) then things can't be quite right. I know we are all different, but personally I wouldn't tolerate this.

Thisisgoingtobefun · 23/09/2024 19:19

B0llocks I pressed the wrong response! This is not right at all. If anything his attitude should make you want to adventure abroad more. Go have fun and do things for you xx

Carouselfish · 23/09/2024 19:31

You go OP by booking it, packing and going. Leave him a note to find after the fact. If he changes the locks but you have joint interest in the house, you call the locksmith to get back in.

nobczno · 23/09/2024 19:46

I went through the same thing. DH had previously been to the US on his own, or with a friend.... I even booked the flights! When I asked to go visit a friend of mine in the States, he sulked, complained and cried about being left on his own. I booked it anyway, and had a great time.

I now go every 6 months - it's wonderful 'me time' where I get to go at my pace, and hang out with my friends - although he still sulks and complains. TOUGH!

HideousKinky · 23/09/2024 20:06

He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won't cope without me

You do know none of these are valid reasons for you not to go, don't you?

Laura95167 · 23/09/2024 20:24

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 16:28

DH has been away to Europe without me twice this year. Once with a family member and once to stay with friends. When I was younger I used to visit Canada regularly. I know people there but they are not close friends. I considered going again, alone, as a kind of last hurrah, and relive a few old memories. (I’m 61 but fit).DH says No way and half jokingly that if I went he would change the locks. Basically there is no way I can go. We have plenty of money so the only issue is me going without him. Am I wrong to be annoyed at this attitude.

Who is he to tell you, you can't go away? Who is he to change the locks on your house?

I'd bide my time, change them on his next trip and say I thought that was the agreement next time we're apart. Turns out I like it, here's the divorce papers I'm off to Canada.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/09/2024 21:25

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

I'm wasn't telling you to get divorced, just to think about why you're choosing to live the way you do. And to think about ways to change things. Divorce is one way, but so is 'declaring your independence' by doing the things that you want to do.

MarvellousMonsters · 23/09/2024 21:33

I'm curious as to why he thinks you need his permission.

ThePoetsWife · 23/09/2024 21:42

nobczno · 23/09/2024 19:46

I went through the same thing. DH had previously been to the US on his own, or with a friend.... I even booked the flights! When I asked to go visit a friend of mine in the States, he sulked, complained and cried about being left on his own. I booked it anyway, and had a great time.

I now go every 6 months - it's wonderful 'me time' where I get to go at my pace, and hang out with my friends - although he still sulks and complains. TOUGH!

Urgh and you're still with this pathetic sulking man child?

LiveLoveLifeForever · 23/09/2024 22:03

Holliiday · 22/09/2024 16:37

Let him change the locks the silly little prick.

This 100%

Rottweilermummy · 23/09/2024 22:47

Hatty65 · 22/09/2024 16:36

He says half jokingly he'd change the locks?

I'd give him a pitying look and say, 'Don't be so utterly ridiculous. That's illegal and you would find yourself in a great deal of trouble. If I choose to go on holiday I shall do - in the same way that you have done. If you are hinting that this means you want a divorce I'm happy to discuss this with a solicitor. Are you really wanting to divide the assets 50/50 because that's what will happen?'

Brilliant, totally agree with this.
Also wondering if it's because it's Canada ( further away) and not Europe? Maybe in his eyes Europe doesn't count lol

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/09/2024 00:02

nobczno · 23/09/2024 19:46

I went through the same thing. DH had previously been to the US on his own, or with a friend.... I even booked the flights! When I asked to go visit a friend of mine in the States, he sulked, complained and cried about being left on his own. I booked it anyway, and had a great time.

I now go every 6 months - it's wonderful 'me time' where I get to go at my pace, and hang out with my friends - although he still sulks and complains. TOUGH!

Another who cant understand how you are giving this pathetic specimen house room.

Lets leave aside the sulking and crying (although how you could bring yourself to have sex with someone who does that is beyond me) and start with the hypocrisy.

You have a toxic marriage, you really do.

Jumpingthruhoops · 24/09/2024 00:21

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 16:28

DH has been away to Europe without me twice this year. Once with a family member and once to stay with friends. When I was younger I used to visit Canada regularly. I know people there but they are not close friends. I considered going again, alone, as a kind of last hurrah, and relive a few old memories. (I’m 61 but fit).DH says No way and half jokingly that if I went he would change the locks. Basically there is no way I can go. We have plenty of money so the only issue is me going without him. Am I wrong to be annoyed at this attitude.

Basically, there is no way I can go.

If you want to go and money isn't an issue then surely all you have to do is pack a bag and book a flight? Oh, and also not give a damn what your husband has to say about it.

Like fuck would I let a man dictate to me what I could/couldn't do.

Ifihadamagicwand · 24/09/2024 01:51

Did he miss you or not cope without you when he was away? No , then he’ll be fine or maybe he’d like to go with you 🇨🇦

MumsGoneToIceland · 24/09/2024 04:41

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

My answers would be:

He’d miss me/worry about me - you miss/worry about him but would he want you to stop him going?
worried he won’t cope? - What?? why? - surely he’s capable of looking after himself.

id start saving my own pot of money and start working on him being more capable at home.

helpplease01 · 24/09/2024 07:12

Yes.
Go on a solo trip!
you have just made it clear you aren’t respected or taken seriously.

Elsvieta · 24/09/2024 07:16

What on earth do you mean, there's "no way you can go"? Book it and go.

LonelyLisa · 24/09/2024 07:23

I was expecting this to be a thread by someone with young kids (not that it would excuse the behaviour) but was surprised you are in your 60s without young children to look after.

He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc

Well, he is coping fine when he is leaving you behind. It's controlling not to let you go. Do you have access to the family money? I would just book and go!

Also, is there a reason you don't travel together?