He goes away, I can’t

[Aspire5253]

DH has been away to Europe without me twice this year. Once with a family member and once to stay with friends. When I was younger I used to visit Canada regularly. I know people there but they are not close friends. I considered going again, alone, as a kind of last hurrah, and relive a few old memories. (I’m 61 but fit).DH says No way and half jokingly that if I went he would change the locks. Basically there is no way I can go. We have plenty of money so the only issue is me going without him. Am I wrong to be annoyed at this attitude.

No I said some of the replies are misandry. Read the replies from pps! He is controlling, abusive etc etc etc. Just man hating. The OP has said he is a wonderful husband it is this trip thing that has caused an issue.

I sincerely hope that you will go to Canada OP, but I honestly don’t think that you will, sadly 🙁 You know in your heart that it shouldn’t be like this.

OP - the messages saying ‘Divorce him’ are from well meaning mumsnetters. They are either in healthy relationships and wouldn’t put up with this shit. Or… they’re are divorced/ single mumsnetters who wouldn’t put up with this shit.
Your husband saying that he would miss you / be hopeless without you- is him being controlling and manipulative.
I’ve got a friend whose husband was like this. He died a few months ago and she finally feels free to do whatever she wants - at the age of 82.
Don’t leave it too late to do what you want to do.

Doesn't miss you that much when he's jetting off on his own holidays! Or worry about you or is concerned for you then! Doesn't give a fuck then!

He's having your pants down and I'm not telling you to divorce him, I'm saying laugh and tell him to get to fuck when he tells you that you can't go!

I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced.

Hahahaha, welcome to mumsnet

Having said that I am also surprised you're having to ask this question and you're 61.

@rainsofcastamere 👌

Glad to read your update. You absolutely have to go!. Telling someone what they can and can't do then saying its cos you love them is controlling. Please consider how many other aspects of your life he controls. Sometimes in couples it's not one controlling the other but a very co dependent relationship. If that is the case you need to break out of it, do it kindly and reassure him but do it before it gets harder.

@lightsandtunnels
The one action that we know he has done, saying no to ti the op going somewhere when they have the financial means IS controlling!! He is controlling what she does. That IS abusive.
And you can't have been on mn very long, or know many women, or ever been on a Samaritan style help line if you think that simply by saying someone is amazing, they actually are. There are thousands of women who have been so downtrodden and gaslit, that they lose all sense of normality. You see it daily on mn.

He doesn't sound amazing; he sounds like a bellend.

He’s playing you like a fiddle and you’re happy to accept it. Reevaluate your situation OP.

We can disagree on the definition of wonderful husband. I wouldn’t divorce mine for leaving his socks on the floor but preventing me from taking trips alone to the extent I post about it on a public forum? Yeah, colour me a misandrist.

That about covers it.

I wondered that. Wouldnt be the first man to think he wife must be playing away because thats what he does.

Your original post asked if you should be annoyed by him stopping you from going to Canada. The answer is yes.

No divorce needed, just go to Canada, why wouldn't you?

No need for divorce but you still need to go on your holiday

worried he won’t cope without me etc

Yuk.
Presumably you've told him that you're not a paedophile and so if he's such a child that he can't cope on his own, there won't be any more sex?

Am I wrong to be annoyed at this attitude.

You are not wrong to be annoyed. You are really very wrong indeed to put up with this and allowing him to have the power to stop you.

Why would you put up with that?

Who died and made him the boss of you?

Just go OP. It’s not fair he gets his trips on his own, but you don’t. He’s being v unreasonable, but you know that. You didn’t mention how amazing he was on your first post. But added this when lots of PPs mentioned divorce and controlling behaviour.

Did you want him to go with you, out of interest, or prefer alone? Does he ever invite you on his European jaunts?

So you admit he is selfish, and yet call him amazing. He is basically living his life, enjoying the sights of the world but keeps you locked at home because he cudn't cope without you or will miss you? That is beyond selfish and insensitive. How do you 'cope' when he is away? Has he given any thought to that?
Also, anyone who jokes about changing locks, just because you suggest a solo holiday, is mean.
As hard as it might be, you need to stop defending his actions. You are only 61, why are you intending this to be your last hurrah? Will your husband do the same and stop travelling?

Go to Canada. Catch up with your old friends. Travel. Enjoy yourself. Not fair for your DH to have double standards and make this feel difficult for you.

Perhaps he doesn't miss op when HE is away because there's someone else with him that renders op unnecessary for the duration...

I bet when he tells you he would miss you and find it hard to cope without you it pulled at your heartstrings. I read it as he didn't want his cook, cleaner and support human to be absent... a bit like when the washing machine packs up for a week.

That’s a relief to know he is an amazing husband who does a lot for you. I would just book the holiday for yourself regardless. It should all work out fine eventually and he will come to terms with his concerns, knowing that travelling is something you really would like to do. I would not wait for him to give his permission before you book, because it will not likely come.

When my mother was your age she spent 6 months travelling Australia and NZ on her own. She had some amazing experiences and even found herself on one of those outback tours with young people. They really looked after her, which was very sweet.

When I am in my 60s I want to be travelling! It’s a great time to do it.

Does he not fancy Canada?

He's not that amazing if he says you can't go and he'll change the locks! Jeez

Why can’t he ‘cope without you’?