To think my friend stopped talking to me because I received a settlement from work?

[CheekyMoose]

I recently went through a tough time at my last workplace and ended up receiving a settlement after being treated horribly. It was a stressful experience, but the outcome helped me feel some sense of justice. However, ever since I told my friend about it, she’s been distant and barely spoken to me.

We used to be really close, but now she’s completely withdrawn, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s related to the settlement. There’s been no argument or falling out, but it feels like my news changed something. I’ve tried reaching out, but she’s just cold or makes excuses not to talk. I thought she’d be happy for me, but instead, it feels like she’s cut me off.

AIBU to think she’s stopped talking to me because of the settlement? Or am I overthinking this and it’s just a coincidence?

It could very well be. What I have come to realise from a similar situation is that when money is involved, some people automatically assume you either lied, cheated, or were otherwise unfair in order to get it. It doesn’t matter how bad a time you had, if it’s not them, they’re not interested.

She might be jealous that you got something she didn't, regardless of what horrors you had to go through to get it. I've known people be jealous of parents with severely disabled children because they get disability benefits and a nice mobility car. People can be very odd when it comes to money.

It could be absolutely any reason you can think of.

It may be jealousy but that's often the lazy 'go to' assumption.

As frustrating as it is, if she's not going to tell you, there's nothing you can really do.

Honestly, she’s not a real friend if she’s behaving like this.

When my arthritis got so bad that I qualified for a Blue Badge, a colleague stopped talking to me. Utterly bizarre.

It might be that supporting you through this period was quite trying for them, have you thanked them for being there through it?

Sometimes it's easy for a close friendship to slide into unpaid therapist territory, and it's quite a feat to bring it back to balance.

Was she aware of the situation as you were going through the process? Was she supportive? It may be that although you got the settlement, she personally didn't agree with you.
I had an old friend who as we got older I realised that we had different moral values, I backed away from her.

I did thank her for being there, but I actually spent a lot of time going through everything on my own. While she was aware of what I was facing, I didn’t really rely on her for support. It just surprising to see the friendship shift so dramatically after the settlement. I’m not sure what’s changed.

She was aware of what I was going through, but I wouldn’t say she was particularly supportive during the process, especially regarding the settlement. It’s interesting you mention different values - maybe that’s part of it. She actually didn’t agree with me fighting as hard as I did, even though she was angered by the treatment I received. She often scaremongered me and didn’t believe in my ability to negotiate, she suggested I should just take £10k and call it a day. In the end, I fought for much more and got around 4x that amount. It makes me wonder if her views on handling the situation affected how she sees me now.

I'd say you're at the nothing to lose stage. Ask her. Hey Jane, since June I feel like we've been sliding apart. I miss you and want to know if it's something I've done or can do to help fix this. Love Moose

Perhaps it was a bit awkward for her? If my friend was taking a claim against our employer I think I would find myself watching what I say in conversations with you in case the topic of work arose. And also perhaps your employer would view her with suspicion if they thought she was too close to you?

I told a colleague I received some support under a disability scheme and she was really cold with me.

I've got to be honest until they are in the situation themselves they have no idea how much they would fight for themselves.

It's also quite a British thing if you are in the UK. Do well but not too well.

I don’t think so, as she’s not a colleague.

She is raging that you didn't give her a wad of cash out of your settlement. That's all it is.

In that case I think it may be more that she gave you poor advice and support, and perhaps the value of the settlement has shone a light (and validation!) on just how poorly you were treated.

People like to be seen as good guys, and when they've been noticeably shite they tend to go on the defensive in my opinion.

Time and space may be the best balm.

Sorry you've gone through a horrible time.

A settlement doesn't mean that you were entirely innocent. She may disagree with whatever happened.

Money changes people. I suspect she hoped you'd give her some of that money.

Was it a life changing sum of money ?

She doesn’t disagree. Kindly don’t project your assumptions about my innocence onto me. For more context, read the comments.

Perhaps she thinks you were taking advantage of the situation to be greedy?

Generally speaking, I dislike compensation culture, and I can imagine a scenario where I would think less of a friend for milking a situation for money.

Obviously it does depend on the circumstances, and I have no details about your experience so I am not judging you, just trying to imagine a reason for your friend’s behaviour.

Yes, it was a significant sum that will definitely help me move forward and create a better future for myself.

It’s probably jealousy.

^ This and only this.

Yeah I think it’s most likely that she’s jealous. People can get so funny about money.

That’s not the case here. My focus was on seeking justice for the treatment I endured, not on being “greedy.” It’s disappointing that my friend might have viewed it that way (if she did), especially since I was just trying to stand up for myself after a difficult experience.

Is she maybe struggling financially. Were you insensitive when you told her how much?