To think my friend stopped talking to me because I received a settlement from work?

[CheekyMoose]

I recently went through a tough time at my last workplace and ended up receiving a settlement after being treated horribly. It was a stressful experience, but the outcome helped me feel some sense of justice. However, ever since I told my friend about it, she’s been distant and barely spoken to me.

We used to be really close, but now she’s completely withdrawn, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s related to the settlement. There’s been no argument or falling out, but it feels like my news changed something. I’ve tried reaching out, but she’s just cold or makes excuses not to talk. I thought she’d be happy for me, but instead, it feels like she’s cut me off.

AIBU to think she’s stopped talking to me because of the settlement? Or am I overthinking this and it’s just a coincidence?

The fact that people on here who no absolutely nothing about your circumstances are bitter and envious supports the view that she is jealous.

As I’ve grown older I’ve realised many people who smile in my face are not my friend. I’ve been surprised by what others become jealous of.

The real reason this country is underachieving is due to crabs in a barrel mentality. I don’t talk about money with anyone other than my DH.

Has it changed your level of wealth in comparison to her? Were you the 'poor' friend that she could feel superior over? Alternatively it works the other way. If you were similar or higher wealth then her she could feel like the money wasn't 'deserved' because you were already doing well. People can be very funny about these things.

I can freely admit that I would feel envious in these circumstances (about the money not the work issues) but I would be fully aware that it would be my issue and i get over it without effecting the friendship.

Firstly well done for getting what you deserved for your treatment at work.
I can only imagine she has some sort of 'vicarious burnout' kind of feeling, in that she was pretty invested in you getting it sorted but it started to occupy her mind a bit too much.
Once it got dealt with maybe she just felt she needed a break.
But other than that I can only think she must be a bad friend or jealous?
If you worked together and maybe she was treated similar and wished she'd gone down that pathway, then that might make sense. But you say she's not a colleague.
Could it have evoked feelings about being wronged in her own life?
If she's choosing to no longer speak to you then it's her loss. X

She might be feeling weirded out that you're discussing your settlement, as they invariably include an absolutely binding non-disclosure clause as part of the agreement.

I wouldn't want somebody to risk their settlement by talking to me or anybody else about it, so I'd always try and avoid the subject altogether - especially if it's going to result in you being sued for breaching the terms and you're going to be looking to trace how it got back to the ex-employer that you were doing so.

Firstly,great you tenaciously fought for (and got) settlement reflective of the distress you experienced
Secondly, You don’t have to justify or explain anything. Let it drift. She’s not been a stalwart supporter and I’m afraid I think she’s sour because she’s jealous

wish you well after everything you’ve been through

Very true!

I don’t feel that’s the issue. She was aware of the situation and supported me at first, so it feels more complex than just finances.

Does she feel you have won money you were not entitled to? That you exaggerated to get a better settlement. You keep telling us you don’t feel this or that’s tje issue. So you clearly know what the issue is. So why post the thread?

I think you’ve learnt the hard way not to speak to anyone about money (other than your partner). My friends and I never discuss salaries or how much things cost, never talk about inheritances or bonuses. We would never discuss financial settlements like this (and a few of my close friends have had employment-related disputes). We just don’t talk about money. Much easier that way as people WILL judge and get jealous.

As FeedingThem posted, I would ask her if something is bothering her as you noticed she hasn't been talking to you as much lately. Maybe she feels guilty or awkward for having given you bad advice,or thinks you don't need her friendship as much now as things are settled, or there may be something going on in her own life that she doesn't want to share with you. If she is horribly offended by the settlement at least she may tell you so you can both decide whether to continue the friendship or not.

She might think the dynamic of your friendship has changed. Did she herself as the alpha, the advisor, the one who you needed? Suddenly, there's irrefutable evidence you don't need her, that you're an equal and she doesn't like it.
I've been amazed over the years things that people have been jealous of. One example, read PIP threads on here. Who would want to be disabled even if it meant you got a derisory payment or a car? yet you see it on every post.

it could be jealousy
alternative
It may be something in her life that she is stressed about/struggling. She may not feel able to talk about it or it might be confidential. Rather than spoil your happiness and relief or because she can’t discuss her issues she has withdrawn.
If she was a good friend maybe leave the door open - “I’d love to hear from you, do text/email/call” then leave it at least a while, possibly forever.

I would imagine she’s jealous of the money you’ve received, and doesn’t think you deserve it. It’s something I wouldn’t have discussed as people can get envious of « windfalls ». My DD recently qualified for PIP for her eating disorder, whereas a terminally ill friend was turned down. I haven’t told anyone about the PIP as I know there will be understandably resentment. Well done for fighting for justice and winning.

I would just ask her straight out - if she's upset with you for some reason. She'll either tell you or not, but at least it'll be out in the open?

It's obviously jealousy. I'm not one to jump to that conclusion as an immediate first choice but its pretty damn obvious if this has coincided directly with the settlement at the exact same time that she is jealous.

Very bizarre seeing as it wasnt a random inheritance, it was money for something you went through that was clearly bad and stressful.

Unfortunately, some friends dont like it when good things happen to you or your status quo goes on the upswing and for me, this is often a test of a true friendship. If someone can be genuinely happy for your good fortune then that indicates a good friend. Some people actively enjoy their friends being in a bad place because it makes them feel better about themselves- sick but true.

Of course, we all might feel fleeting moments of envy from time to time but certainly not strong enough to punish the people we supposedly care about by ignoring them when they have good fortune like money or whatever. When I started my business I had friends warn me it wouldnt succeed and when it did succeed they started making snarky comments and seemed actively pissed off about it- just another example of what I am talking about.

This isnt about you, its about her and sadly, she'll only end up hurting herself in the long run because bitterness is like corrosive poison and it only truly harms the person who is feeling it in the long term.

Having read your updates, it’s jealousy.

I completely understand envy. A friend of mine got a huge amount of money which he didn’t deserve (unlike OP’s case). I was envious - as in I wish it had also happened to me as well - but not jealous - as in I wish it had happened to me instead, or not at all. It was more “you jammy bastard!”

I was happy for him.

Didn’t affect our friendship in the slightest.

The fact that she was trying to get you to settle for approximately a quarter of what you actually ended up being awarded jumped out at me. Most people hate being wrong.

This.

I think that it is not uncommon for some people to not be pleased at what they see as others enjoying a windfall however that comes about. Many years ago, when my parents died, as an only child I inherited all of their modest estate. It meant we were able to buy a car for the first time. I was shocked at the attitude of some of the people we knew then.

I completely agree. It’s surprising how jealousy can manifest in unexpected ways, especially for those who seem friendly. I think you’re right, going forward, I won’t be discussing money with anyone other than someone I’m tied with financially, like my partner, or relevant parties like an employer. It’s definitely a healthier approach.

She’s not your friend.
It seems to me that in a situation where someone receives a windfall - could be an inheritance, a bonus or in your case a much-deserved settlement you can encounter

1. ‘friends’ asking for money or
2. ‘friends’ pretending you don’t exist. Neither particularly cares about you, you are just a fair weather friend, usually one they can feel superior to in some way. What you received is life-changing for you but you haven’t win £100m on the Euro millions. It’s a lovely sum, but it’s not like you can put your feet up and retire. I think she’s jealous, and also angry that her 10k estimate wasn’t correct. Now I’m getting older I realise I have a few true friends. But I’ve come across many I’ve felt who were good mates over the years, who could ice you out for no reason. I wouldn’t even bother asking this friend why. If she’s not short of money and you don’t work together, I can’t see why she can be so miffed. It doesn’t affect her life or lifestyle one bit.

I wonder if she feels like you got more than she thinks you deserve? It sounds as though she felt that 10k was an adequate amount and any more than that was “greedy” in her eyes (even though she has been proved wrong) and she’s annoyed about it.