To think my friend stopped talking to me because I received a settlement from work?

[CheekyMoose]

I recently went through a tough time at my last workplace and ended up receiving a settlement after being treated horribly. It was a stressful experience, but the outcome helped me feel some sense of justice. However, ever since I told my friend about it, she’s been distant and barely spoken to me.

We used to be really close, but now she’s completely withdrawn, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s related to the settlement. There’s been no argument or falling out, but it feels like my news changed something. I’ve tried reaching out, but she’s just cold or makes excuses not to talk. I thought she’d be happy for me, but instead, it feels like she’s cut me off.

AIBU to think she’s stopped talking to me because of the settlement? Or am I overthinking this and it’s just a coincidence?

I see what you’re saying. It does feel like her need to be the supportive ‘big sister’ has shifted with my recent achievements. I’ve noticed her trying to undermine my efforts, which makes me wonder if it’s less about the money and more about her own insecurities and how she perceives our roles.

I appreciate your perspective, but I’ve mentioned multiple times that she’s been cold and makes excuses not to talk when I’ve reached out. In the early part of this thread, I also mentioned that while she was aware of what I was going through, she wasn’t particularly supportive during the process, especially regarding the settlement. She often scaremongered me and suggested I should just take £10k, while I ultimately fought for much more. So, I don’t feel I 'owe' her anything. It's definitely not about my pride; it’s more about how she has reacted since I shared my news.

Yes I agree that jealousy isn’t a lazy explanation. Lots of MNers tend to say that; but just because something is a commonly correct explanation doesn’t make it lazy to conclude it. The world is drenched in jealousy.

Yes I think you're getting to the root of it now!

I dont think she's a good friend. We all change and grow as people and thats really healthy and normal. As long as we are growing in a good way thats beneficial for us its really not for anyone else to stifle that out of a need to keep us in our perceived "box" because it makes them feel more comfortable that way.

You see this all the time with issues like weight loss/fitness- one friend loses weight and at first people are verbally supportive but then they dont like it when that person changes their lifestyle. If she can only be friends with you as long as she is the "big sister" then its not a very equal friendship and neither is it fair to you because that means you can never grow and develop either.

I think looking back, you'll realise you are better off without her in the long run.

Fair enough, if it is more that you are upset with her than that you don't want to be rejected then just let thw friendship go. Life's too short to spend it chasing after people you aren't that fond of anyway.

Jealousy not nice. Hard know op. I would phase her out. My neighbour was saying parents went sour after exam results. You could def believe it!

Hmm ok. There was nothing in your earlier posts to suggest this has been going on for months. And "reaching out " could have just been hi how's it going for all anyone here knew, hence the many suggestions of actual ways of trying one more time. If you think there's a friendship worth saving. But going from your updates I don't think you really think there is, and I don't think you were really posting for advice, and that's fine. I'm sorry you've lost a friend and I wish you well.

Oh that’s interesting and might explain her reaction. Maybe she’s feeling resentful towards you because you managed to stand up for yourself when she didn’t….Whatever the reason though you have done nothing wrong OP.

It’s clearly simple jealousy. She hates that you’d got a pay out from an employer for their shit treatment of you. You have money now. She does t.

Of course it’s not her being morally affronted by it 😂

When you say you’ve tried reaching out, what have you said to her when you have?

Have you asked her outright what the problem is?

Or has it just been more of a “Hi, how are you. Everything ok?” type thing.

Yeah my reaching out been more than just casual check-ins. I’ve tried to express my concerns and ask how she’s doing, but the responses have often been cold or evasive. I haven’t specifically asked her outright about the problem yet, but it feels like there’s a barrier whenever I try to contact her.

You've disagreed, been snappy and rude in most of your responses. So maybe if you've spoken to her like that it may have something to do with it, not your money.

Hmm. See I think if I felt the friendship was at the point where I was about to give up, I’d probably just ask outright what her problem is.

You said this has gone on for a fair few months the now. You’ve tried the polite way to find out what her issue is.

Maybe now it’s time to be more blunt and just say something like “I’ve noticed a massive shift in your behaviour towards me over the last few months. If I’ve done something to upset you, just be honest and tell me what the problem is. Because honestly I’m getting the impression you don’t want this friendship anymore. That’s your right, but at least have the decency to tell me what it is I’ve done to upset you”.

If she doesn’t respond or still doesn’t want to tell you what the problem is, then I’d pull back and not continue trying to reach out. At that point leave her to it and assume she isn’t the friend you thought she was.

The OP has only challenged you because you because you posted a snarky comment that a setttlement didn't mean that she was innocent.

You are one of those posters that is rude to the OP but gets annoyed when the OP bites back.

This!

It's true though that a settlement doesn't necessarily reflect the true situation. What it could mean ( and this sounds likely from what the Op has said) is that the Op knows how to fight hard.
The friend thought the situation warranted £10k. Maybe it's not jealously of the amount but the feeling that it's excessive.
I had a similar thing with a friend that was very articulate and got herself a massive redundancy. You could say good for her but the reality was she was off work more than she was there and it felt wrong they were paying anything to get rid of her. I didn't like her ethics and our friendship faded.

I can't see that the OP has been any of the above...we've asked questions and the OP has replied with valid answers.

I ask that you don’t project your experiences onto my situation. My friend suggested £10k for reasons unrelated to the validity of the situation. If you’ve been through this, you’d know that employers often lowball initial offers. Once lawyers and potential tribunals are involved, the dynamics change significantly. Fighting hard for what you deserve doesn’t diminish anyone’s worth.

You still don't know why your friend isn't talking to you though do you. So any experience we have might be helpful.

Why is her suggestion of £10k not valid ( and why did you mention it if it wasn't').
What if they had offered you £80k. Would you have taken that?

My thoughts too, commented further up about this.

Good on you OP!

I think it’s quite clear your ‘friend’ and random strangers on here are jealous of your payout, assertiveness and confidence not to back down. You only have to read some of the silly comments on this thread to see that.

Ignore them OP, most likely projecting their own issues here.

I don't know what is going on, but it could easily be envy. When my dad died suddenly and horribly when I was in my thirties, my manager who I'd always been on very good terms with, was kind and arranged time off for me. Then when I mentioned some months later that the estate was finally sorted and I had paid off my mortgage, she was kind of furious and never treated me in a friendly way again. She had a good income, partner and children; I was fortunate to be mortgage-free but was single and with almost no family, so I hadn't expected her to be envious.

My Mum died as a result of medical negligence. We got compensation, and a "friend" dropped me when she found out how much money I got. It's opened my eyes to how jealousy affects people. I told a mutual friend about it, and she said "Why would she be jealous of YOU?!" As if I couldn't possibly have anything that would make her jealous. As I've got older I've got less patience for so-called friends who pretend to care about me.

This reminded me of the time my FIL died. It was a very sad and protracted death and we were very involved in his last month as he had taken ill while staying with us. It was just an awful situation and a very painful time.

When he finally passed I of course said to one of my closest friends 'FIL died last night' and he immediate response - immediate was she snapped 'So you'll inherit then'. I was so taken aback. I spoke about it here at the time actually because she dropped me like a stone. She is godmother to my 2 Dcs for crying out loud. She refused to speak to me. refused to acknowledge my messages. We belong to the same sporting club and she would turn her face away from my direction when I was around.

That was 10 years ago and she has never spoken to me since.

Yet again I’m astounded by how much people share about money. Why on earth would a PP share how much was received in a medical negligence compensation case! I suppose it had the useful effect of flushing out jealous “friends”.