To think my friend stopped talking to me because I received a settlement from work?

[CheekyMoose]

I recently went through a tough time at my last workplace and ended up receiving a settlement after being treated horribly. It was a stressful experience, but the outcome helped me feel some sense of justice. However, ever since I told my friend about it, she’s been distant and barely spoken to me.

We used to be really close, but now she’s completely withdrawn, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s related to the settlement. There’s been no argument or falling out, but it feels like my news changed something. I’ve tried reaching out, but she’s just cold or makes excuses not to talk. I thought she’d be happy for me, but instead, it feels like she’s cut me off.

AIBU to think she’s stopped talking to me because of the settlement? Or am I overthinking this and it’s just a coincidence?

Have you actually asked how she is and if she’s dealing with something herself? Have you been a bit of a bore about this settlement and neglected to ask her anything about her life recently?

I see where you are angling biscuit. 😉 You’re the friend ain’tcha!

Ah ok. I honestly think then that its a combo of embarrassment because she advised you to go for 10K and she is a bit shocked you got way more and feels a bit put out/jealous of it.

If she enjoys the big sister role it is a bit embarrassing for her that you actually knew better and did better by going against her advice

I agree. It feels like things are done between us. I’m just focused on myself and moving forward tbh.

I mentioned in my post that whenever I’ve tried reaching out, she’s been cold and makes excuses not to talk. It’s been a few months of this now, which makes me hesitant to invite her out.

This! My 'friend' said it was a little bit unfair that I get carers allowance for my 2 year old (she has Down Syndrome and Hypotonia) and actually said 'My son might not have the same problems as your daughter but I still have to care for him 24/7! You're her parent, why are you getting help for doing what ANY mother does!'

I had to try to explain its a totally different ball game when your child is disabled. Although funnily enough I think it pissed her off that my daughter despite her DS was potty trained faster than her typical son, she actually told me that she felt bad for my daughter being advanced as this probably means shes 'heavily autistic!'
f8&^ing twat.

At this point - I would probably drop her a message / phone call depending on how you communicate .

say you don’t seem yourself at all is there something I am missing ? Take your lead from your response or lack of response .

if you don’t looks like you have lost a friend or someone who never really a friend .

what does your gut instinct tell you ? Do you think it could be something else ? Not money related ?

I feel for you OP, it’s not nice. I hope you have other people in your life who are happy and supportive of you!

I am so glad for you that you got your comp 💐

I can see how that might happen. However, I don’t think that’s the case here. She was supportive during the process, but when I finally shared that I resolved everything, she went radio silent. It feels more like a shift in her attitude rather than guilt over past advice.

I mentioned in my post that I’ve made an effort to check in on her and genuinely ask how she’s doing. However, whenever I've tried reaching out, she’s been cold and makes excuses not to talk.

I’ve also commented that I’ve been mindful of not dwelling solely on the settlement in our conversations. It’s been a mutual friendship, and I’ve always valued her updates too.

How was the friendship before that moose? Some people really prefer to have friendships where they feel the other person is a little bit more unfortunate than them to make them feel good about themselves. Maybe you got out of her shadow and it no longer worked for her.

This is so shit. I have a friend who has a (now grown up) son with Downs along with various other serious health conditions and I have nothing but admiration for her. Some people just can’t get their head out of their own arses far enough to put themselves in somebody else’s shoes.

I’d be miffed you hadn’t bothered to tell me if I’d supported you through a long process. In your situation yes take a day or two but then tell her and maybe send some
flowers recognising her involvement

Message her, "What's up friend? Why the recent distance? Want to tell me/have a chat ?"

Possibly she thinks you were being a bit grabby Op? Is it a job where your settlement will eventually be paid by the taxpayer or customers or something.

I had something similar with a friend who attended court with me when my ex-husband wanted to stop paying me maintenance. It was a horrendous couple of years and I was very grateful for the support. She was encouraging me to accept a very low offer which would have meant me having to take in a lodger to keep my house.

I ploughed on and was awarded over twenty times the amount offered. Since then she has made comments about me "being all about the money" and her husband would have "hidden the money too" if it had been him. Pure jealousy. I've backed right away from her now (friendship was always very one-sided anyway)

The lesson is not to share details of finances with anyone even if they are 'supporting' you. You have no idea what they're really thinking.

My previous attempts have been met with coldness and excuses. It’s frustrating because it feels like her reaction is tied to the money.

The friendship seemed fine before this, or at least I thought it was. We’ve known each other a long time, and I never felt like it was about one of us being more fortunate. But now that you mention it, her attitude did shift once I started standing up for myself and fighting harder for what I deserved. It does make me wonder if that’s part of the issue.

Could she have suffered something similar in the past and it’s only you receiving the settlement that’s dredged it all up for her?

You have hit her in the self esteem.

She had herself in the role of "big sister", so the grown up compared to you as the "little sister" so the kid. She obviously places great importance on this, hence her trying to undermine your efforts to increase your settlement with her not so subtle attempts to imply you are not as capable as her, the grown up, as you are "only a kid".

But you won. You proved her wrong and you did a big girl grown up thing all on your own and that takes you out of your baby sister box. And she doesnt like it. She first met you when you were 16 and I suspect in her head you have always been 16, and now she has to acknowledge that you're not a kid anymore.

Its rather like the mother who still tries to boss her adult kids around as a self styled Matriarch because they cant face not being needed in that role anymore.

ETA.....does she make a big deal about helping people or doing things for people? Sounds like she needs to be needed and making sure everyone knows how much she does for others, and you have shown that you dont need her so she doesnt need you anymore as you dont validate her existence.

I think if it has been a d3cent friendship you owe it to her to ask her out to celebrate the settlement. You could just say sorry you've not been able to catch up for a while but you feel you owe big sister a meal for all her support. If she blows you off then fine, you tried your best. Maybe she feels like you don't value the relationship as much as she did given you didn't bother to tell her your news (in her eyes). I'd decide which is more important, your pride or yhe relationship. If your pride is more important and/or she's annoyed you too much don't make any further effort. She might come back eventually.

I guess you missed the comment right at the start of the thread where I explained: “She was aware of what I was going through, but I wouldn’t say she was particularly supportive during the process, especially regarding the settlement. It’s interesting you mention different values - maybe that’s part of it. She actually didn’t agree with me fighting as hard as I did, even though she was angered by the treatment I received. She often scaremongered me and didn’t believe in my ability to negotiate, she suggested I should just take £10k and call it a day. In the end, I fought for much more and got around 4x that amount. It makes me wonder if her views on handling the situation affected how she sees me now.”

I took a couple of days to process everything and when she checked in, I let her know. Given all I had going on, there’s nothing more I could have done, and I’m not going to feel guilty for that.

I’ve mentioned that my previous attempts were met with coldness and excuses, so I’m hesitant.

Respectfully, that's bullshit. I wouldn't have someone go cold on me without asking them what the issue is. Not accuse them of it being because of the money, just ask them generally if I had upset them in any way and see what they say.

My guess is it absolutely IS the issue... but of course to admit that would be admitting she's a jealous cow, which she's not going to do, so has opted for the silent treatment instead.

Actually, I know she’s been bullied in the workplace before, so maybe that’s playing a role in how she’s reacting now.