To think my friend stopped talking to me because I received a settlement from work?

[CheekyMoose]

I recently went through a tough time at my last workplace and ended up receiving a settlement after being treated horribly. It was a stressful experience, but the outcome helped me feel some sense of justice. However, ever since I told my friend about it, she’s been distant and barely spoken to me.

We used to be really close, but now she’s completely withdrawn, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s related to the settlement. There’s been no argument or falling out, but it feels like my news changed something. I’ve tried reaching out, but she’s just cold or makes excuses not to talk. I thought she’d be happy for me, but instead, it feels like she’s cut me off.

AIBU to think she’s stopped talking to me because of the settlement? Or am I overthinking this and it’s just a coincidence?

Sometimes people get miffed when they see someone looking after their own needs and standing up for themselves, it comes across as a sort of injustice and they feel wounded.
In a sort of - that's not fair look what she got from Mum and Dad, I never got that and I struggle all the time too but I don't complain!

You never know what goes on in other people's heads, especially with money. I had a friend I really liked and can barely bring myself to talk to her now. Our kids are friends but her behaviour is so cold and distance and she plays so many games. I can't do it anymore. In your situation it could just be coincidence. Having received a settlement in the past I'm pleased for you, people often don't realise that it's little compensation often to a well paid role that's no viable or career that was going one way and is now another.

It's jealousy. Sometimes as I've found out recently, you never really know anyone.

You've got a will of steel and you fought this alone. And she can't stand it that you succeeded.

I don’t think our financial situations were ever a point of comparison in our friendship. I’m in my 30s and live independently and she’s slightly older and always referred to herself as my ‘older sister.’ She treats me like a surrogate little sis, taking me out for dinner on my birthdays and when we meet up. Given our long history, I don’t see why she would compare us in that way.

I think it was this.

I was pushed out of a job (horrible, vindictive behaviour to make my working life difficult to force me to resign) for becoming pregnant 20 years ago. I remember my MiL thought that I should have just resigned because I’d only been there eight months. That was her opinion and she was of course allowed it, but the law said something else.

They offered me six weeks PILON to go away. I threatened tribunal, rang ACAS, and got a better settlement. However I knew that MiL (although we got on well) thought I had milked it.

It is never wrong to call out poor employer behaviour.

I understand the sensitivity around discussing settlements, and I’ve been mindful of what I share.

I knew someone who I considered to be a close friend, but the more stuff she shared with me the more I realised she was lacking empathy and quite an unpleasant person. She was bitter about and jealous of a friend of hers who had managed to buy a house young despite having health difficulties and not working full time. I asked how she managed it and friend casually relayed that her parent died by suicide when she was 13, like it was no big deal. There were other things too, like ranting about people on benefits while she had always worked throughout her own difficulties, seemingly lacking any understanding of how health problems and adversities come in all shapes and sizes and no acknowledgement of the enormous amount of emotional, practical and financial support she received from her parents. It made me wonder what she said about me behind my back.

It’s completely the right thing to call out poor employer behaviour. They will hopefully have learned an expensive lesson and treat their employees better in future. Although I have never sought or received compensation, I view others that have as having done a public service.

She has stopped speaking to you because you got forty grand and she didn't. I know that sounds insane because you went through a very difficult situation and she didn't but she's just plain jealous of the money you got.

When you say she would take you out to dinner etc...was that always equally reciprocated? Could she feel that she subbed you over the years and now you've not offered to share any of your 'good fortune'?

I think she was used to you being ‘little sis’ now the dynamic changed about going out for meals etc she doesn’t like. Either that she’s miffed you haven’t given her any.

I’ve always appreciated her treating me, and I’ve tried to reciprocate in other ways like gifts on birthdays and Christmas. Our dynamic has been like this since I was 16, and she’s 10 years older, so it’s always felt like this “big sister relationship” she proudly claims. Our friendship has always been about support, not competition.

And have you offered or ever reciprocated?

I think it is envy. My BF married a very wealthy man and overnight she was dropped by a surprising number of our mutual friends. And was the subject of some really awful talk, and people who tried to milk her by expecting her to pay for everything.

Last year my older DS was awarded middle rate care DLA and lower rate mobility. I have told not a single soul because I know we will be the recipient of nastiness. Even though I doubt anyone would want their own child to have the significant difficulties mine has.

If she’s not a colleague then yes that’s weird that she’s acting funny about it given there’s no chance of it effecting her.

I don’t agree with PP suggestion that it’s NDA related either. Nobody in the real world thinks omg you shouldn’t be telling me this info that your random boss who I don’t know from adam has asked you not to repeat.

Is she perhaps in financial difficulty herself at the moment so struggling not to be a bit jealous? I’d hedge my bets on that or as others suggested, she’s enjoyed being the one with money, orrrrrr as she’s treated you in the past she’s annoyed that you haven’t yet returned the favour now she feels you are able.

You really do find out who your friends are in the good times. People love to be around others misfortune, because it makes them feel 'lucky' & elevates them. But only a real friend can be happy for your good fortune. I found this out when I unexpectedly came into money.

Usually the terms involve not even saying you've got a settlement in the first place. I don't agree with this, but all the ones I've been aware of in some way have made it absolutely clear you can't mention it exists, much less that you got forty thousand or whatever out of it.

I was going to say jealousy and/or a changed dynamic, and your later posts support this. She’s always been the “big sister”. Now you’ve shifted gears, you’ve taken charge of things, you’ve stood up for yourself (against her advice), you’ve got a good payment from it. Maybe she needs to be needed.

Op, are you not bound by non-disclosure clause?

Given your relationship, I think that she is miffed that you didn't take her advice to settle at £10,000 and the fact that you then were awarded 4 times as much means that you were right not to take her advice. She is used to being in the more experienced older sister role that always knows best. This has put her nose out of joint.

I think its jealousy op. Would def keep a distance. I dont tell people much now as its not worth it!

I think this is it. People are not always as nice as you think they are. Ask anyone who's had a serious illness - there are always some 'friends' who don't help in any way at all, sometimes others who avoid them.

Right, it’s unrealistic to think we wouldn’t share significant events in our lives, including what happens at work with friends and family. Like be for real.

Maybe there’s more going on for her, like you say, but it doesn’t make sense for her to hold that against me.

Interestingly, I’m not; it was inadvertently omitted from the settlement agreement. However, I’ve been mindful of what I share, and this thread isn’t about the specifics of my settlement. I’d appreciate it if we could focus on the main topic at hand.

Sounds like this to me too