Take the plunge now or wait until secondary? Tearing my hair out and at loggerheads with DP

[Munneyworries]

Me and DP started saving for DD’s school fees when she was born. She’s due to go to school next September and we should have 100k saved by then. The school we are looking at is 18k a year for prep (including VAT), rising to 24k (including vat) at secondary level (obviously may be more by the time she starts secondary).

DP is adamant that she should start next year and our plan that we use 10k drawn down from savings per year and the rest from income. His argument is that the surplus needed from income equates to the same as the nursery fees per month that we have been paying and things have been fine.

I get where he is coming from but I just don’t feel we have enough buffer yet. I don’t want to put her in and then take her out etc. The local primary school is not good in terms of reputation for teaching etc but it is a nice place and friendly and I don’t think it will cause her harm to go there.

We have been arguing about this constantly since viewing the prep school this last week and DP wanting to basically sign up to it immediately. I feel so stressed and don’t want to make a mistake for dd who realistically won’t know the difference between the two schools regardless of which one she starts at.

I'm guessing he went to private school?

I'm a primary school teacher and we have new kids that join every year and they settle very quickly. My daughter changed schools at 6 and had no issues (& loves it). Paying for something that's free is bonkers to me (unless the school is massively failing her in some way). Save your money, give her a couple of years and decide. Given the money you are saving you could easily afford a tutor if she was struggling.

Private school is not a magic bullet.

You will still need tutoring, extra curricular activities plus the usual bullying and friendship issues.

Also, how boring to be at the same school for 14 years of your life!
What about experiencing new environments and making new friends?

No its not a reason to spend money you haven't got , but it is a valid reason for wanting her to go from year reception. I know from when my children were younger Y6 was definitely tough in so much as the kids tended to drift towards others going to same secondary school as them so you ended up with a fairly large group and a couple of smaller groups and plenty of general upset as the kids negotiated the changes in friendship groups

We did state primary and now indy secondary. Remember primary age parents and teachers have the biggest influence but at secondary that moves to peers.
Don't regret state primary at all in the same way as so far I'm not regretting indy secondary. In fact DD is in top sets across the board in secondary, most of the "preppies" who did the indy prep are in middle sets.

What if you had another child? (You might not be planning to, but accidents happen.)

I think it would be crazy to spend that amount of money on such a young child. How do you know the teaching at your local school is not good? (Have you read the Ofsted report? Unless it is "Requires Improvement" it must be OK.) Do you know any other parents who send their children there and like it, who could speak to you and your DH?

How do you know the teaching at the private school is good? Fancy surroundings and even small classes do not necessarily mean teaching is good.

How much are you saving per month/year at the moment? And will you continue to add to the savings while she's at school?

Why does he want her at the same school all the way through?

Most children change at some point, just due to the nature of the school system.

he wants to be at the same school with no change.

You can't say definitely that what suits your dd at four will still suit her at eleven or sixteen. She might benefit from a change. Or the senior side might have changed by the time you get there (new Head, perhaps) and no longer be what you want.

Whatever you do now, I think you should keep your options open for secondary.

What is the pre prep model of learning? It is unlikely to be the same as that offered by the state primary. Where we are, one of the boys pre preps start with proper lessons including basic coding, music etc in reception. They also prepare boys for the 7+/8+ exam (if they feel the child is ready) and for all this, the annual fees are around 30K so it would be disingenuous to say they are the same as any of the surrounding state schools. They will have information about their learning and teaching methods etc and what you’re paying for online and during an open day

OP I also wouldn't use an all through school. They need a break point also there are lots of things that can change between now and then eg the Head.

I assume this school is financially secure? Fees have increased well above inflation for years. It would be better to put her in private for the more important secondary years.

Whilst you have a lot saved, when you factor in the actual costs and something that n your life changing then it won't mean you could keep her there.

I would do some research on all through schools, try and speak to parents already there etc. Do you know how many leave at 11 or 13?

While that’s a reasonable thing to think of, it’s not even in the top five of what should be important considerations.

I’m with you - would absolutely go for what sounds like a nice state primary especially given that money is not unlimited.

For the record, I’m not a fan of private education anyway for all sorts of reasons, but on top of that think that private for primary is especially pointless, unless you have a dreadful set of primary options or need wraparound care. The vast majority of friends who have educated privately have done so for secondary only, when most children change schools. NEVER changing schools I’d also say is likely to be an actively negative thing.

Sounds like your DPs thinking is being driven by fear - negatives not positives. Fear of ‘state’, fear of change full stop? That’s not good. You need a different kind of conversation. And also a flat veto if he’s not adult enough to talk properly about it at all.

Is he wanting to avoid the stress of entrance exams? I have a bit of sympathy, but you can actually put a price on that. Add up the years of school fees you’ll be paying to avoid the 7+ or 11+ exams and let him see how much of a luxury this would be.

You need to communicate better. You can’t get away just stating what you want and coming to an impasse.

My 2 both went to our lovely village state school until they were year 4. At that point the local middle school was very unappealing. They have been at their excellent independent school since year 5. This was a good balance I feel. They got 2 years in the junior section making friends and getting up
to speed. They have both flourished. Year 7 is also a good entry point.
In my opinion if your Dd is bright and engaged then private education is not necessary until they are 10ish.

It’s a lot of money to save.

I hope you are on the pill!! 😁

I'm sure that parents with your level of income/savings probably live in nice middle class areas with nice state schools with good facilities and engaged parents.

Is your partner just anti-state schools, irrespective of how good they are?

Only bother for private secondary

He’s automatically seeing being at two different schools as a bad thing. It isn’t. It will give her a broader outlook on life and make her able to fit in better with whoever she meets. It will also make her more adaptable. Change is part of life.

Send her to a state primary and save your money for secondary. If you need a compromise, then you could move her to private in Year 4 or 5.

What does the private school offer that the state school doesn’t?

Smaller class sizes? That can be a double edged sword - more attention from the teacher but it can be harder to make friends.

More extracurricular activities? You can use the savings on nursery fees for out of school activities. Ditto if the private school offers languages.

What is he worried about?

That she will fall behind the kids at the private school? You can always use the £18k a year you are saving for tuition when she is older and preparing for entrance exams. You might want to point out that DC in countries who don’t start formal education until age 6/7 catch up to kids who start learning to read and write at 4 within a year.

You could give your DD a better rounded education with the money by sending her to the state school and using it for travel and extracurricular activities that you couldn’t afford if you sent her to the private school.

The only possible good reason for sending her now is that sometimes the 7/8+ and 11+ exams are more competitive than 4+ at the same school if it is a school where progression is guaranteed for pupils if they meet the minimum standard in the exam, whereas the exam is competitive for DC who are joining the school. However, it isn’t great for DC to be the bottom of the class in a highly academic school so would you really want that for her?

State school and keep saving for her future, uni, help with a house etc.

Alternative view ….. are there things she might learn from a state school that she might not in private. I’m think from a social perspective.

I think it kind of depends how long it took you to save the money so far and where it came from.

If the bulk of it was an inheritance or something and you can't maintain high levels of savings moving forward, it's right to be more cautious.

If it took you a year to save and you can easily save the same amount again very soon I'd not be worried.

It seems like the bigger flaw in your plan is assuming you'll have 2 adults working on the same/better salaries for all that time and similar other household costs, as there are plenty of things that could prevent that happening.

Maybe compare the progress and attainment data as well as leaver destinations.

Well, what are your salaries?