Take the plunge now or wait until secondary? Tearing my hair out and at loggerheads with DP

[Munneyworries]

Me and DP started saving for DD’s school fees when she was born. She’s due to go to school next September and we should have 100k saved by then. The school we are looking at is 18k a year for prep (including VAT), rising to 24k (including vat) at secondary level (obviously may be more by the time she starts secondary).

DP is adamant that she should start next year and our plan that we use 10k drawn down from savings per year and the rest from income. His argument is that the surplus needed from income equates to the same as the nursery fees per month that we have been paying and things have been fine.

I get where he is coming from but I just don’t feel we have enough buffer yet. I don’t want to put her in and then take her out etc. The local primary school is not good in terms of reputation for teaching etc but it is a nice place and friendly and I don’t think it will cause her harm to go there.

We have been arguing about this constantly since viewing the prep school this last week and DP wanting to basically sign up to it immediately. I feel so stressed and don’t want to make a mistake for dd who realistically won’t know the difference between the two schools regardless of which one she starts at.

You don’t have enough savings or enough income to pay for private school. Time to accept it and act sensibly on this one.

All three of ours went to a state primary. We saved the money for the first two. Big gap before we had the third so bought two buy to let properties which partly covered the fees.

Your husband is wrong.

Speaking from my own experience, I’d definitely hold off prep school for a good few years. Been there, done that!

I’d say Year 3 onwards, maybe even Year 4 if you’re wanting that setting.

Have a few years of zero fees where savings and incomes can rise because once you start it’s a long slog to the finish.

I teach at two schools with similar fees to what you're saying. One extremely competitive and academic, one slightly less so. Lots of kids enter at y3 and are none the worse for the move as there are lots of new kids there.

If I were you, I'd get here into the best primary I could and top up with tutoring, music lessons and other extracurriculars with a goal of the 11+. It sounds like you are both bright and driven people who will support her, she will
most likely do well wherever. But I really don't think pre prep is worth it and I wouldn't do it for my child if there were a decent alternative.

OP small point but I wouldn't necessarily see the small classes as an absolute positive - I was state educated but at a tiny village school and there were 7 of us in my year. Me, one other girl and five boys. I didn't gel with the girl (very different personalities) and the boys didn't want to hang out with a girl so it was sometimes pretty lonely. I would have preferred a class of 31 and a bit more chance to build social skills and make friends at primary age!

I also didn't start school until I was nearly 7 (hippy parents and we lived overseas until then) and I'm really struggling to understand what possible advantage you could be giving a four year old by sending them to private school. I was pretty advanced compared to my peers when I started, despite no formal schooling - just because my parents read and played with me. I can't imagine what 18k pays for that you couldn't give them at a state school combined with some extracurricular sports/music or whatever and general/normal family interaction.

Do state school primary then use that money when it matters at secondary and sixth form for private education

Another vote for state primary and then (if you feel it necessary) private secondary. I'm a big believer in that you get more out of school and education the more you put into it - not necessarily financially. My siblings and I went to two fairly rough inner city high schools, but had academic parents. We all flourished, are well grounded in real life situations and have become successful, (hopefully!), well balanced adults. My children were/are at state schools and I've supported them all the way through, with additional work and practice where needed and by keeping a close eye on what they're learning so that I can help. If you feel private school at secondary would be beneficial, continue to add to your saved funds until then and you'll be in a much better place in terms of it being less of a financial strain. Hope you manage to resolve things.

Save til year 3 at least. Honestly year 3 onwards.

Bear in mind that it can be tough to get into private schools after age 8 academically, especially if your child is eg dyslexic, and the schools are oversubscribed. My friend's child didn't get a place at two of their chosen private schools aged 9, despite tutoring.

Really?! But who are they to judge other people's finances!!

Why would you pay to have your child in an unsuitable school?

The single sex high achieving school we looked at for dd to go to from year 7 said they only accepted ‘exceptional girls’ after year 7. As was, dd chose to go to state and changed in year 9 but not to the larger single sex school as she wanted somewhere, which felt like her old primary school and chose a smaller co-Ed.

Dd achieved high enough grades in her chosen subjects to change to the higher achieving school for A levels btw but chose to stick to her current school, which wants 6s rather than the high achieving one which stipulates 7s or and 8s depending on the subject plus a minimum of 6 in most other subjects.

I agree it’s perhaps more difficult to get into private schools at secondary age. However, it sounds as if there are a range of schools for op’s dd and it would be better to aim for the better fit rather than a highly academic one.

I thought dd would jump at the chance at going to the high achieving single sex school for year 7 as that would have been my choice. But it wasn’t for her. I have no doubt that my dd will attain very good A level results with her current school. High achieving schools aren’t always better and the best fit, especially when there is a choice and a parent is paying is the most important criteria.

@MumDoingMyBest yes we would still add 12k a year despite using 10k a year from the initial pot. Another way of saying it is using income and leaving the pot untouched. In our heads we had always planned it as the former, I guess to mentally take the pressure off!

@Didimum try telling my DP that please 🤣

Thanks for the support. I am resolute in my view the pre prep is extortionate for a 4 year old and the more I have thought over the weekend, the more I know I can’t do it. I also want friends to be made from the area too and that’s more likely in the state primary.

Well you'd have to ask my friend that but this is the story. The state secondary schools where she lives (and is in catchment for) are not good and quite a commute away despite living in a city, and her PIL offered to pay for private. They looked around 5 schools and chose two they most liked. The two they choose are not known to be hugely academic - one in particular has a rep for being very inclusive in fact - but they are so oversubscribed currently that they can simply pick the 20 or so children that do best in the entrance test.

When he didn't get in they then got a tutor thinking his state primary may not have done a good job of getting their child up to speed, but he didn't get in on the next intake either. Luckily he did get into their third choice.

Both of ours went to the local primary, then went to a public school for secondary.

If going to private school means not being to go on holiday or do other nice things, then I’d definitely drop the idea. Chances are the majority of children in private school go on at least one holiday a year, weekend outings, etc.

Also, I’d be wary of a school that has a class size of eight, you’d wonder how sustainable is that ?

Make a list of pros and cons for both schools

So far you've mentioned...

• cost
• class size
• mixed age groups
• facilities
• friendliness

How about

• wraparound care if needed
• any extra curricular activities
• how class sizes change as you go up the school
• where you think your child will be happiest
• Commute

I really value walking my 3 to school every morning and I love that they can go to the park immediately after school with all their friends. I love that they go to play dates in the village and that I have mums near me that I can call on when I’m in a bind.

As a secondary, I love that they mix with kids from different backgrounds.

would you be missing out on any of that? Even given the opportunity (and we cannot afford private for 3 if we stay in current home). I wouldn’t be sending kids this young- I feel like they’d be missing out on a lot of things that are really important to us as a family.

To add, why send your child to private primary school if it means really watching the pennies to do so. Why use all your hard earned money for your DD to attend a private primary if it means not being able to take holidays, go on outings, do interesting things, always have the worry of knowing there is a need to save xx amount each month. Not being able to have a spontaneous lunch out at the weekend, because of the school fees savings pot.

Would your DD be really happier in a private primary but no holidays, outings, etc, living in a home where there’s an air of not being able to do things because of, you know, school fees.

"I also want friends to be made from the area too and that’s more likely in the state primary."

Just a heads up - when you get to the end of primary and the inevitable discussions crop up around which secondary school your child is going to, don't alienate all your state school mum friends by saying anything that implies you think the state schools they're all sending their children to aren't good enough for your child, even though you'll be thinking it. Make noises about 'picking the right school for each child'. 😂

Just a heads up, these school friendships rarely last once they leave school. I’m not in touch with any of the women from their primary school. The girls friendships have moved on and so have the adults.

My two went to different secondaries. One to the catchment one with most of their year - in year 9 their friendship group only has one of their primary friends in it, and the scattering happened pretty quickly when they all started. One to a different school and they are happily making new friends in year 7.

Kids at 11 are different to kids at 5 and I think often their primary friendships are habit and situation. Secondary gives them a chance to make friends that suit them then. Some friendships last throughout but it’s really common for year 7 to be a new start.

My son went to private at secondary level 50% boarding. He's 23 now when he comes home it's his primary friends he gets together with. The secondary level private school mates are scattered to the four winds.

He didn't forge friendships at university because covid lockdowns hit six months in so was sent home, not much better second year, third year was finals. So no lifetime bonds made

This is a really tough one. It seems there are two issues here.
First – the advantages of a private school for primary over a state school. We had both of our children in a state primary before moving them to a private one in year 3. The reasons for that were difficult to quantify exactly, but broadly speaking it was because they were just coasting – our eldest was spending a lot of time helping less able children and our youngest was very much left to her own devices as she was academically doing fine and so didn't require much attention. The difference in both of them at the private school was unbelievable – they got so much more attention and teachers were able to focus much more on the individual needs of students which just doesn't happen in a class of 30 unfortunately. That's also worth saying that the state school they were at was an outstanding primary.
Second – and perhaps more important – it doesn't sound like you can afford private school. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh – but it sounds as though you'll be making huge multiple sacrifices to send your child there. I would really have a hard think about how affordable over 7 or 14 years this will be – so it might be that private for secondary school is your only option.