He left me asleep

[GoldieLocks09]

DH and I tend to watch TV most nights when the DC are in bed. Sometimes one of us ends up close to falling asleep on the sofa, I’m pretty good at being like RIGHT, let’s go to bed if I feel myself or notice him dropping off.

DH has expressed that he loves a sofa nap, whereas I have explicitly said I hate them, I wake up in pain in my neck / back / whatever. And often struggle to get back to sleep when I go to actual bed so spend a few hours trying to do so getting more annoyed wishing I hadn’t had the sofa nap. On the very odd occasion I’ve woken up in the early hours on the sofa I feel rubbish the next day because the sleep I get on the sofa never feels like that many hours of sleep in bed.

Last night I had 2 glasses of wine at DS4’s friends birthday party. Also had a particularly busy week at work. By the time we got home both DS’s went straight to bed (luckily decent party food they both had quite a bit of). I’d done a slow cooker dinner which was fairly carb heavy, we ate that and I didn’t last long on the sofa, fell asleep pretty quickly.

DH says he did ‘try’ to wake me. But I then woke up at 4am, with a stiff neck, a full face of make up on, most lights on downstairs, dinner not tidied away, alone. I was pissed off and think he should have done more to try to get me to come up to bed.

AIBU to think this?

Thoughtless, yes.
But I'd be more annoyed that he didn't clear up after dinner. Does he see this as your job?

It's your responsibility not his. If you think you might fall asleep either set an alarm or just go to bed as soon as you have that thought.

I don't think he's responsible for your choice to fall asleep downstairs. That's on you as an adult - you should have gone to bed if you were tired.

But he should have tidied up and turned the lights off, not left the house in a mess.

Your choice re the sleeping. He should have tided up and washed up, dish washer etc

This

I hate sofa naps so I never ever lie down on the sofa when watching TV. Are you lying down despite not wanting to fall asleep?

It seems like you have both got into bad habits. I do think he should have woken you but I don’t think that’s the real problem.
Can you maybe say you will watch one episode of something then tidy up then go to bed? Or go for a walk around the block then tidy to perk you up? Getting settled into the sofa and just watching TV until you sleep doesn’t seem super healthy for sleep habits

YABU to be more annoyed that he didn’t wake you up than about him not tidying up!

You were both tired.

Im of the opinion that tidying up the kitchen isn’t an absolute must before going to bed, and I’m happy to do it first thing in the morning after a Friday night where I’ve just crashed and burned. I know some people don’t agree with that though.

He could have turned the lights off I think.

I agree that he should have tidied up. But I have left my DH on the sofa in similar circumstances. I'll try a couple of times but otherwise just leave him to it. Often he'll wake for a moment, say he'll just be a minute and go straight back to sleep.

It's not really a nap if you were out of it till 4am. After the wine, I can bet you were totally zonked and he did try but when you wouldn't surface he left you to it. And maybe he was knackered too and not thinking so clearly. You can't really outsource your decisions like this and blame him.

Weird responses. DH often falls asleep on the sofa especially after 80 hour work weeks. I would never leave him on the sofa to wake up cold at 3am and head off to bed! How unkind.

Had he been at the party too, and also had a few drinks?

In general he should have tidied up and switched lights off etc, but I don't think it is that big a deal if it is a one off. And tbh as a competent adult, you are probably responsible for going to bed when you are sleepy - especially if you hate "sofa naps".

Yes, he could have been thoughtful and woken you up, since he knows it leads to neck pain etc. Though I'd be even more angry at why the kitchen wasn't tidied and lights were left on. That's callous behaviour.
Also agree with others about the unhealthy sleep style/pattern. Do you need to get a more comfy couch, if you keep falling asleep on it?

Not cleaning up and not turning lights of etc is shit.

Leaving you asleep is not , you said yourself you struggle to get off for hours once woken from the sofa so he probably couldn't win there!

I agree, collapsing in front of the TV and sofa naps are rarely a good idea, especially late in the evening.

Try doing a few stretches instead:

https://youtube.com/shorts/8-9xOdIdJwo?si=w2j_t826DamAmjI2

Yabu! Set an alarm as back up or just go to bed when you're tired. I will often decide to tidy the kitchen in the morning personally so I don't think that's a huge deal, but it's definitely your own responsibility to wake up and go to bed!

If you'd fallen into a deep sleep fuelled by wine and a hard work week then it may well have been difficult trying to wake you. I too came on to say that if it's a regular problem then set yourself an alarm on your phone for whatever time you'd like to go to bed. If you're awake then fine, just turn it off when it sounds. It shouldn't be your husband's "fault". I'd be a bit pissed if he hadn't made any attempt at stacking dinner things in the kitchen, but washing up can wait until next morning. A slow cooker meal shouldn't have generated too much mess surely?

I think it is very unreasonable to expect someone else to take responsibility for getting you to bed. I’d turn the lights off, though

What's unkind about it?

My view is that I'm not DH's mother - if he chooses to sleep on the sofa instead of taking himself up to bed, then that's on him.

I may say I'm going to bed now, or ask if he's coming up, but it's not my job to wake him and force him up to bed.

I can't imagine dh leaving me on the sofa.

He's not your parent. I might give DH a prod but if resists I'm not going to force him into bed.

How long would you expect him to continue trying to wake you for?

YABU. He’s your DH, not an alarm clock. You’re an adult - he’s hardly going to carry you mid slumber from the sofa to bed like you would with young DC!

Leaving lights on is annoying, it is that which often wakes me up if I am on the sofa. Lights off and I can sleep till morning, if I am lying down to start with.

Are you sure he didn't fall asleep too? If he did you might have been in quite a deep sleep when he woke up.