He left me asleep

[GoldieLocks09]

DH and I tend to watch TV most nights when the DC are in bed. Sometimes one of us ends up close to falling asleep on the sofa, I’m pretty good at being like RIGHT, let’s go to bed if I feel myself or notice him dropping off.

DH has expressed that he loves a sofa nap, whereas I have explicitly said I hate them, I wake up in pain in my neck / back / whatever. And often struggle to get back to sleep when I go to actual bed so spend a few hours trying to do so getting more annoyed wishing I hadn’t had the sofa nap. On the very odd occasion I’ve woken up in the early hours on the sofa I feel rubbish the next day because the sleep I get on the sofa never feels like that many hours of sleep in bed.

Last night I had 2 glasses of wine at DS4’s friends birthday party. Also had a particularly busy week at work. By the time we got home both DS’s went straight to bed (luckily decent party food they both had quite a bit of). I’d done a slow cooker dinner which was fairly carb heavy, we ate that and I didn’t last long on the sofa, fell asleep pretty quickly.

DH says he did ‘try’ to wake me. But I then woke up at 4am, with a stiff neck, a full face of make up on, most lights on downstairs, dinner not tidied away, alone. I was pissed off and think he should have done more to try to get me to come up to bed.

AIBU to think this?

YANBU. This is just a basic part of looking out for someone you love.

I agree with the others.

On the subject of tidying up the kitchen, I think it depends. Yes, he should have done it before going to bed, but if he also fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 2am, I can see why he wouldn't.

I hate waking up on the sofa.

I don’t like an untidy kitchen in the morning either.

However, both of you were tired and it is a fairly minor inconvenience.

I would let it go.

Give yourself a nice facial today as it would be the makeup on all night that would bother me the most. Now I am getting older I limit the days I wear makeup as I just can’t be bothered with the routine of taking it all off at night.

I’m sorry OP. I just couldn’t get worked up about this.

If he'd have tidied up I'm sure that would have woken you up, and you'd have been annoyed about that because as you say, you can't get back to sleep.

It’s actually more of a problem with him falling asleep on the sofa - he has a very manual job and tends to get the urge more than me (he also says enjoys falling asleep on the sofa 🥴) I don’t tend to often but last night after a heavy work week, a couple of glasses of wine, a birthday party with 25 4 year olds and mingling and a carb heavy dinner I was done for.

I think the difference is that if he falls asleep I either immediately say let’s go up to bed or if he’s been asleep a while I gently wake him and say do you want to come up? I also have said before you can stay down here if you like..

he knows I hate coming down to a messy kitchen, there’s not too much of a clean up as slow cooker did all the work but a saucy dinner that has now stuck to the plates. I’m an early riser so default to get up with the kids (I’m usually up before them) and start the day with breakfast, bottle for baby, etc the last thing I want to do is come down to a mess

You must have been in a very deep sleep if he was unable to wake you. That's more than just a nap.
Maybe try sitting up on the sofa if you're falling asleep, surely you don't want to lie down if there's a risk of falling asleep for hours?

I hate waking up on the sofa, and I hate a messy kitchen in the morning too... but it sounds like your both absolutely exhausted and need to give each other a break.
Perhaps clean kitchen before sitting down and that way you can really relax? Both need to try and get some sleep earlier, but equally it's important to have down time in the evenings too ...

Is this part of something bigger? This is the smell stuff. As in, don't sweat it. I'd probably pass a comment about give me a prod next time please love, but that's about it.

Falling asleep drunk and full on the sofa would give me the ick.

He says he tried to wake you. Maybe you need to know yourself better and go to bed sooner?

If you were so out of it that you didn't wake up until 4am, how do you know he didn't try to wake you?

DH has told me he's coming to bed in the past, so I've left the lights on for him - only for him to fall straight back to sleep anyway.

If you don’t want to fall asleep on the sofa it’s probably best not to lie down after a couple of glasses of wine and a carb heavy meal when really tired. It’s a pretty obvious consequence.

I'd just tell him that next time/in the future if you fall asleep downstairs you'd really like him to wake you up whatever it takes. It sounds like he was trying to do as you asked/as you wanted, but then wasn't sure whether to persist when you didn't immediately wake up - perhaps he was afraid of making noise and disturbing the children?

I would expect the house tidied and a gentle awakening to usher you to bed. I just would.

I think this, also. You sound tired; don’t go looking for a fight over something pretty inconsequential.

You might well hate coming down to a messy kitchen but you were done for and need to cut yourself some slack as well as him. If he has a manual job and is often as tired as you describe, it's clear that neither of you had the wherewithal to sort it out last night. The fact that the lights were on sounds very much like you were both zonking out and he managed to get up and get to bed but to do more was beyond him and to do anything was clearly beyond you. Again, it's not on him, especially when he has a different take on it anyway. If he says he likes sleeping on the sofa, you don't need to wake him up either, just because you don't like it.

I think he should have turned the lights off. He probably did try and wake you. I get you hate waking up to dishes but maybe he was also exhausted.

The tiniest bit of care wouldn’t have gone amiss. He could’ve put a blanket over you and turned off the lights and tv.

Even if he was falling asleep too? I don't get why he is expected to be up to all that when she wasn't. Can't a couple both be too tired on a Friday night?

Maybe she murmured “Okay, I’m coming.” And he zonked into bed, oblivious to the fact she didn’t come up?

Yeah, this. You're a grown up, you're responsible for where you sleep.

This. Not his responsibility to make sure you get to bed especially if he tried once to wake you, but he definitely could have covered you over and turned the lights off.

Kitchen gets tidied before we sit down for the evening here, as when you’re exhausted it’s hard to drag yourself back up to do it. Sounds like you were both tired, so expecting anyone to get back up to clean the kitchen after conking out on the sofa was probably a bit ambitious.

This! I think, as annoying as it is, this one is on you op.

If he'd woke you up, by your own admission, you'd of been awake for hours as you said it takes you ages to try get back to sleep so surely sleeping till 4am was better than being woken at 12 and tossing and turning for a few hours?

He defo should of turned the lights off and put the dinner in the kitchen to deal with today and put a cover over you if hw couldn't wake you.