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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is abuse.

290 replies

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:22

I love my job and I've always been good at it. Good contacted hours I've worked hard towards to fit around DD meaning no additional childcare, also good pay and I love my team.

DH always moans about it. I don't finished until 5 and by 4 he is moaning that I should be finished and my works stupid, won't look after DD as says I should be finished work and really puts me under pressure. Now my performance is declining.

I spoke to DH about this numerous times and he states he hates my job and he hopes I grt sacked so I have to apply for a new one.

I've eventually caved and have an interview for a new job today. Will mean having to work every other weekend, over Christmas and some nights. DH says we all have to make sacrifices.

I'm gutted, I worked really hard to get to where I am now and really do love my job.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 21/09/2024 08:20

OP, this is about control. Him controlling you. Believe me, he won't want to do the weekends etc if he can't cope with an hour he will start harassing you about the new job.

Stay with the job you have.

Start planning to leave.
Good advice in here about ensuing you know what benefits you might be entitled to, start putting some money aside.

As a lone parent I can tell you life is a lot easier without a useless, controlling man in it.

SallyPatch · 21/09/2024 08:21

I don't think it's the job you need to leave, it's him! He's being completely unreasonable, and cutting his nose off to spite his face, as the new job's hours seem far worse!

hollyblueivy · 21/09/2024 08:23

The other job would be worse for your child when you're wording later / weekends / Christmas

Goingncforthisone · 21/09/2024 08:23

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:32

I wish it was. But nope absolutely true, I know I should stay at the job I want to do, but when you have someone moaning at you day after day for the last hour or so of your working day, it wears thin and it's easier to just get the new job.

Show quote history

Getting this job seems easy now but will bring a whole load of new problems that your husband will quickly find.

It is very concerning how unsupportive he is of your role. Please don't leave the job and consider leaving him.

JMSA · 21/09/2024 08:23

DustyLee123 · 21/09/2024 07:26

Stick with your old job, it will be easier when you kick his arse out the door.

This.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/09/2024 08:23

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:32

I wish it was. But nope absolutely true, I know I should stay at the job I want to do, but when you have someone moaning at you day after day for the last hour or so of your working day, it wears thin and it's easier to just get the new job.

Show quote history

This doesn't make sense. He is moaning about having to look after the kids for small amounts of time in your current, very flexible job but won't be moaning about caring for them every other weekend, at night time and over Christmas?

This is just about him preventing you from doing a job that you love. He will start moaning again when you start your new job. He is not looking after his children properly and it will be worse for them if you get the new job as he will be neglecting them more often.

I

anyolddinosaur · 21/09/2024 08:24

Do you have a workspace where you can lock him out or can you use earplugs?

Time to find your anger and tell him you have had enough of listening to his whining.

If you wont leave put your daughter into breakfast club.

Dont have another child with an abusive man and work on ways to kick him out.

JMSA · 21/09/2024 08:24

Come on OP, how many people can say they have a job that they absolutely love.
Please don't do this. The new job isn't going to make anything better.

1apenny2apenny · 21/09/2024 08:25

OP - he doesn't just dislike this job, he'll dislike any job you have. Currently it's only an hour that presumably you could get after school club for (or move to 7-4 with breakfast club). Currently you have an easy option. If you move to the weekend job you will have NO options and I would place money on him making your life difficult do you leave your job and are then in a very vulnerable position - right where he wants you.

Please listen to posters on here. Your DD would be better (and safer by the sounds of it) in club for a short time. A good test would be to sort the childcare and then see what he says - again I'll bet it'll be something else to grind you down 😟

Henbags · 21/09/2024 08:25

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:32

I wish it was. But nope absolutely true, I know I should stay at the job I want to do, but when you have someone moaning at you day after day for the last hour or so of your working day, it wears thin and it's easier to just get the new job.

Show quote history

But it’s not going to stop, he’ll just moan when you have a new job which you don’t like and you’ll be even more unhappy. Don’t you see that?
What work does he do?
Do not leave your job! Ignore his texts for the last hour of the day.

Goingncforthisone · 21/09/2024 08:25

Oh and to add, 5pm is a great finish time. I rarely shut my laptop before 6.30pm. Husband doesn't complain and sorts the kids, gets the dinner on even though he's worked all day too (and is the highest earner). That's normal and is what a marriage should be about - love and support both ways. I can't imagine being with someone willing to kill my career, knowing it would make me unhappy.

Sorry OP it sounds really stressful x

Pinenuts91 · 21/09/2024 08:26

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:45

Exactly this. I think about leaving everyday but nowhere to go. DD is only 4 and he will want contact with her, but I wouldn't feel safe hom looking after her. He has a son from a previous relationship that spends more time with me during visits then then he does with dad.

It's easy to say leave and I really know I should, but where do I go, I have no real family, friends don't have the space and I'm in that weird wage bracket where don't learn enough to support me and DD where we are living now, but earn to much to get any help

Show quote history

Don't leave your job. I understand and she's at a tricky age. So just plan for leaving. Start seeing how it would work, the opportunities in the next year or so at work, getting the feelers out of getting your own accommodation. Do entitled.to calculator and see about finances on your own. Start planning. You will be glad you did if it gets to a point you have to go suddenly.

He will have a problem any job you do..I had the same issue and had a call to get home mid shift. He will always make it difficult and stressful. Hazarding a guess here..but does he make everything your fault and do subtle digs at you constantly? If so it chips away over time even if you think your rising above it and it impacts every part of your life x

MammaGisAF · 21/09/2024 08:26

Keep the job, leave the DH.

Wheresthebeach · 21/09/2024 08:29

jeaux90 · 21/09/2024 08:20

OP, this is about control. Him controlling you. Believe me, he won't want to do the weekends etc if he can't cope with an hour he will start harassing you about the new job.

Stay with the job you have.

Start planning to leave.
Good advice in here about ensuing you know what benefits you might be entitled to, start putting some money aside.

As a lone parent I can tell you life is a lot easier without a useless, controlling man in it.

This. In spades. It’s controlling, nothing more. Leave.

ilovelamp82 · 21/09/2024 08:30

This is crazy. Don't leave your job. What an evil little man.

StopStartStop · 21/09/2024 08:31

Sirzy · 21/09/2024 07:26

Keep the job. Ditch the husband.

This.

Kittybluecat · 21/09/2024 08:31

Keep your job, keep your power. Please don't cave in.

shockeditellyou · 21/09/2024 08:32

In case it hasn’t been said already:

DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE KIDS WITH THIS WASTE OF SPACE.

Lourdes12 · 21/09/2024 08:32

Its not about the job. If you quit he’ll find something else to moan about as a way to exercise control. Yes it’s a form of abuse

Sharptonguedwoman · 21/09/2024 08:32

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:26

Well I asked hi hiw he would manage bed routine when I'm at work on weekends and he said he's not doing it and she will just have fun on the days she's with him

Please don't do this. I think he's undermining you and going to make you look like the fun-sponge after his nights which have no rules. Is he like this in other areas of your life? Find some child care for that hour if you possibly can and stay in the job you love. He sounds unhelpful, to say the least.

Katielovesteatime · 21/09/2024 08:33

He sounds like an absolute arse but obviously it would be ridiculous for you to quit your job. Just put your daughter in breakfast club if you don’t want to leave him and want him to shut up.

Skipsurvey · 21/09/2024 08:33

yabu to change your job that you love, stick to your guns

Wheresthebeach · 21/09/2024 08:33

He knows you love your job which is why he’s trying to take it away from you. He wants you miserable

betterangels · 21/09/2024 08:34

Why are you caving to a grown man having a toddler tantrum? Keep your old job. He isn't your boss. I'm angry for you.

Coldautumnmornings · 21/09/2024 08:35

Absolutely do NOT leave the job you love. You will massively regret this decision. Yes this is abusive and controlling. Why on earth does he think you working weekends and nights will be easier?