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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is abuse.

290 replies

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:22

I love my job and I've always been good at it. Good contacted hours I've worked hard towards to fit around DD meaning no additional childcare, also good pay and I love my team.

DH always moans about it. I don't finished until 5 and by 4 he is moaning that I should be finished and my works stupid, won't look after DD as says I should be finished work and really puts me under pressure. Now my performance is declining.

I spoke to DH about this numerous times and he states he hates my job and he hopes I grt sacked so I have to apply for a new one.

I've eventually caved and have an interview for a new job today. Will mean having to work every other weekend, over Christmas and some nights. DH says we all have to make sacrifices.

I'm gutted, I worked really hard to get to where I am now and really do love my job.

OP posts:
Choosingmiddleschool · 21/09/2024 07:34

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:32

I wish it was. But nope absolutely true, I know I should stay at the job I want to do, but when you have someone moaning at you day after day for the last hour or so of your working day, it wears thin and it's easier to just get the new job.

Show quote history

It would be easier long term to leave him.

What hours does DH work or does he not?

user1471462634 · 21/09/2024 07:34

Give us some background of what he does work wise.

Original poster
Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:34

Sinisterbag · 21/09/2024 07:30

What exactly does he 'hate' about your current job OP? It sounds like the new one you've applied for will be worse in terms of impact on family time/him having to do childcare so it's difficult to understand what his issue is tbh. On the face of it my advice would be don't give up a job you love, especially not on his say so and not for a job with less convenient hours.

No idea, he moans we have meetings at the end of the day and not the beginning but I don't see the problem with that. I think it's because I can't finish early, but my hours are 9 - 5. He asked me to do 8 - 4 which I can do, but that would mean having to put DD in breakfast club and I don't want to do that if I don't have to

OP posts:
RhubarbCrumbs · 21/09/2024 07:35

Absolutely DO NOT leave your job.

What does he mean by they’ll just have fun on their days together and he won’t do bedtime? So he’s just going to keep her awake until you get home and leave it to you to do?

This is abuse, he sounds incredibly childish. I would seriously think about this relationship.

Elasticatedtrousers · 21/09/2024 07:35

He will make this worse.

Your relationship does not sound good and imho you would be a fool to give up your security and job you love for such a whining man baby.

Sinisterbag · 21/09/2024 07:35

Are you wfh when he's moaning for that last hour OP? Could you go into the office/work elsewhere so you're not there to be moaned at? Not that you should have to but might alleviate the immediate pressure?

Autumn38 · 21/09/2024 07:36

It sounds like he will moan even more about the next job so you will be in an even worse position. Don’t let him force you to give up your job.

also - It sounds like your DD will be in a worse position being left with him for longer periods of time. I don’t think I’d want to leave her.

Hedgewitch123 · 21/09/2024 07:36

Cupooee · 21/09/2024 07:33

He wants you out of your good job.
He will then make your new job impossible too.

Absolutely this is abusive and you would be very very foolish to give it up.

Talk to Women's aid asap.

Can you move to family to stay for a while?

DO NOT GIVE UP THIS JOB.

This 100%

Original poster
Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:37

He works flexible hours so Monday to Friday 6 - 2

OP posts:
socks1107 · 21/09/2024 07:37

Don't give up your job, he'll move to the next thing if you do that. He does sound abusive yes

Hedgewitch123 · 21/09/2024 07:37

RhubarbCrumbs · 21/09/2024 07:35

Absolutely DO NOT leave your job.

What does he mean by they’ll just have fun on their days together and he won’t do bedtime? So he’s just going to keep her awake until you get home and leave it to you to do?

This is abuse, he sounds incredibly childish. I would seriously think about this relationship.

This also.

Red flags everywhere

Ginmonkeyagain · 21/09/2024 07:39

So he wants you to give up a good, flexible job because he cannot be arsed to look after his own child for one hour?

He's a twat.

RedHelenB · 21/09/2024 07:39

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:32

I wish it was. But nope absolutely true, I know I should stay at the job I want to do, but when you have someone moaning at you day after day for the last hour or so of your working day, it wears thin and it's easier to just get the new job.

Show quote history

No it isn't imagine missing out on Christmas and weekends of fun with your family. Tell him he loves you that he should be happy you've got a job you love.

TemuSpecialBuy · 21/09/2024 07:39

Jesus let him moan
even better tell him to shut up because you don’t want to hear it.
you aren’t quitting your job and if he doesn’t like it he is free to leave the relationship

He sounds fucking foul and yes he is an abusive arsehole trying to railroad you into giving up financial independence

If you do nothing else

  1. stay in your job
  2. get on effective contraception
  3. start working out how to leave

you would be doing you Dd a massive disservice to let her grow up watching this as a model for a healthy relationship.

he is also telling you he “wont do” bedtime. Ie won’t be a parent
presumably he will just let your Dd eat junk, watch tv endlessly (probably whatever inappropriate adult show he wants to watch so she has nightmares when she finally does go to sleep at about midnight) and I am guessing won’t bathe or change her or brush her teeth? Wash her clothes? Make sure she eats nutritious food

what is the value add? You both sound like you’d be better off without him. He can take her out and be a Disney dad once a fortnight for half a day and she can work out what a deadbeat he is mid teens…

Sinisterbag · 21/09/2024 07:40

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:34

No idea, he moans we have meetings at the end of the day and not the beginning but I don't see the problem with that. I think it's because I can't finish early, but my hours are 9 - 5. He asked me to do 8 - 4 which I can do, but that would mean having to put DD in breakfast club and I don't want to do that if I don't have to

Show quote history

So does he think he shouldn't do any 'childcare' (parenting to normal people) whatsoever then OP? Is that the crux of the problem, he doesn't think he should have to look after DD at all?

SheFellThroughTheIce · 21/09/2024 07:40

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:34

No idea, he moans we have meetings at the end of the day and not the beginning but I don't see the problem with that. I think it's because I can't finish early, but my hours are 9 - 5. He asked me to do 8 - 4 which I can do, but that would mean having to put DD in breakfast club and I don't want to do that if I don't have to

Show quote history

Better to put her in breakfast club than lose your weekends and Christmas - not that you have to do either, you should stick with the job and hours that suit you and ditch the awful husband. But if working 8-4 would make it easier for you in the meantime, just put her in breakfast club while you work out what to do about him and his abusive behaviour. Whatever you do, don't give up this job.

Crazydoglady1980 · 21/09/2024 07:40

He is telling you he doesn’t want to parent, it will only be worse if you take the new job.
Im assuming that childcare and household chores fall to you to do.
You need to consider your relationship. Is this what you want? Someone who can’t support you to do something that you’ve worked hard at and enjoy.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 21/09/2024 07:40

Keep the job and ditch your absolute dickhead of a husband.

StopPissingMeOff · 21/09/2024 07:41

Keep the job, lose the husband.

Pistachiochiochio · 21/09/2024 07:41

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:32

I wish it was. But nope absolutely true, I know I should stay at the job I want to do, but when you have someone moaning at you day after day for the last hour or so of your working day, it wears thin and it's easier to just get the new job.

Show quote history

No it isn't. It isn't easier because he'll be the same with that one too.

Why does he think the new one will be better?

NoNameNoPlace · 21/09/2024 07:41

I feel for you OP, this is a difficult one. It’s very easy to say leave him and I absolutely agree in theory but how does that look for your DD? What age is she? Would he want custody and would he be capable of actually caring for her on his days? I’d be really concerned about that. Don’t quit your job though, he can moan all he likes, tune it out.

Sirzy · 21/09/2024 07:42

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:32

I wish it was. But nope absolutely true, I know I should stay at the job I want to do, but when you have someone moaning at you day after day for the last hour or so of your working day, it wears thin and it's easier to just get the new job.

Show quote history

but then you risk having a job you hate and still having the moaning to contend with.

You are allowed to be happy.

mamajong · 21/09/2024 07:43

What reason does he have for hating your job??!!! How does it affect him.what your job is? Can you work outside the home so he has to care for your DD?

Stompythedinosaur · 21/09/2024 07:44

Try to remember, he's not going to get any more reasonable or loving when you leave your job.

You're going to be left with having to go to work and not being sure if your dc are being properly looked after.

Stay in your job, look for childcare and ltb.

AnImaginaryCat · 21/09/2024 07:44

Keep your job. Suggest he has fun with your daughter for one hour five times a week rather than ever other weekend. It'll work out about the same hours.