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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is abuse.

290 replies

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:22

I love my job and I've always been good at it. Good contacted hours I've worked hard towards to fit around DD meaning no additional childcare, also good pay and I love my team.

DH always moans about it. I don't finished until 5 and by 4 he is moaning that I should be finished and my works stupid, won't look after DD as says I should be finished work and really puts me under pressure. Now my performance is declining.

I spoke to DH about this numerous times and he states he hates my job and he hopes I grt sacked so I have to apply for a new one.

I've eventually caved and have an interview for a new job today. Will mean having to work every other weekend, over Christmas and some nights. DH says we all have to make sacrifices.

I'm gutted, I worked really hard to get to where I am now and really do love my job.

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 21/09/2024 08:04

My husband has been a bit like this. Turns out he prefers me to not work at all as it means I have to do absolutely everything with the kids

Catza · 21/09/2024 08:06

Absolutely stay at the job you are in. Swap hours if you feel you need to (although, I’d be inclined to tell him to sod off and put a lock on my office door) but also have a firm plan for how you are going to leave this relationship. He is not bringing anything to your life.

godmum56 · 21/09/2024 08:06

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:32

I wish it was. But nope absolutely true, I know I should stay at the job I want to do, but when you have someone moaning at you day after day for the last hour or so of your working day, it wears thin and it's easier to just get the new job.

Show quote history

it won't make things any better for you, he will just find something else to nag about. My usual question, What benefit does he bring to you and your child?

Scirocco · 21/09/2024 08:06

Don't quit a job you love. This is an abusive man - there'll always be another thing that he picks and weaponises to grind you down, until you've given up everything that matters to you and lost who you are.

Tell him your job is non-negotiable, use childcare rather than him to cover gaps as he sounds useless and unpleasant, and get your exit plan in place, including evidence of his 'parenting' so you can demonstrate to a court that he's not going to prioritise his children (so you can request contact arrangements that balance maintaining some relationship with protecting your child). Get out as soon as you realistically can.

Superhansrantowindsor · 21/09/2024 08:07

Having a job you love is great. Most people hate going to work. Do not leave your job. Your dh sounds awful.

Lovelysummerdays · 21/09/2024 08:08

Don’t give up your job, what age is your dc? School age? Honestly I’d suck up the cost and pay for after school care. I think you’d be bonkers to leave a job that has sensible hours to take on a new job that you will never be able to get paid childcare for and have to quit when you separate. If he’s abusive it’s easier to get out sooner rather than later.

I think one of the most pervasive elements of abuse is the self doubt. You know he is unreasonable but because you’ve been told so many times that you are wrong it’s worn you down and you’ve lost perspective. The quicker this ends the faster your recovery will be.

peachesarenom · 21/09/2024 08:09

It's definitely abuse, he'll ruin the new job too, he's trying to make you weaker.

Keep your job!

Smallroomtetris · 21/09/2024 08:09

What is he doing between 4 and 5 doesn't he have a job himself? Turn your phone off and ignore him all day.

ChefsKisser · 21/09/2024 08:10

Your DH sounds pathetic. what an embarrassment of a man.

rainydays03 · 21/09/2024 08:10

Yes, it’s abuse. And unfortunately this is just the beginning. Please don’t leave your job x

StolenChanel · 21/09/2024 08:12

Do not leave your job!

hettie · 21/09/2024 08:12

Please, please listen to the lovely women of Mumsnet. Do not leave your 'holy grail' job that works well for you. Your husband is trying to undermine and control you. You need to keep the job and find some strength to start questioning why he's so awful and what you're going to do about it (leave would be my reaction).

ScarlettSunset · 21/09/2024 08:12

He will be the same whatever job you do.
9 to 5 or even 9 to 6 are pretty normal working hours.
It sounds to me like he

  1. Doesn't care about your child and meeting their needs
  2. Doesn't care about you
  3. Wants to control you

Please don't raise your child in that sort of environment. They will grow up feeling like that's normal when it really shouldn't be.

Runskiyoga · 21/09/2024 08:12

Hold your ground OP, now you can see he is undermining you and actively seeking to make your life worse. Hold the 8-4 as a compromise just in case you strategically need it. Start to grey rock him when he moans about your meetings being end of day 'oh, that's an interesting point of view'. You're going to have to leave him at some point in the future. You don't want to now, that's ok. Just work out how to live with his behaviour in the meantime without losing your confidence and self esteem and don't let that job go.

Isthisit22 · 21/09/2024 08:13

Do not leave your job. He’s trying to make you be unemployed so that he has you trapped so you can’t leave.
Please start making plans to leave. I know it seems hard but lots of women manage. It’s only going to get harder the longer you leave it and the longer he has to wear you down.
Don’t worry about him having DD. I bet he won’t bother

thegrumpusch · 21/09/2024 08:14

Keep the job, leave the husband

Guavafish1 · 21/09/2024 08:14

Move your hours to 8-4 for the now until you’re child is older.

Also make a plan to leave this manchild

Glittertwins · 21/09/2024 08:15

Stay in the job where they know you and you have a good track record. Have you been there more than 2 years?

Sounds like he wants you in a new job so that he can make life very very difficult and you end up with no job at all - they'd get rid of you because you'd be continually asking not to do weekends etc because he'll be refusing to do anything at home.

CFbillsplitter · 21/09/2024 08:16

Your husband is thick. What would he do if you started moaning when he is leaving the house before 6 that it is too early and he needs to get his daughter up and dressed before he goes to work or get a job that allows him to to that? I know it’s easy to say you should leave but he really does sound like an idiot. Does he have any redeeming features?

flowertoday · 21/09/2024 08:17

I am sorry to say that your husband sounds like an absolute asshole.
Don't change jobs. It will only get worse if you do. Imagine his behaviour around him and your child during weekends and holidays.
Life is so, so short. Leave him, he will be happier by himself after all without your job to worry about. And you will be happier without being dragged down by someone like him more importantly. Couples do not normally behave like this towards each other. Teamwork is everything when you have children. The only team he is on is his own and you deserve better

kiwiane · 21/09/2024 08:19

Keep the job you love / pay for childcare and plan to leave your husband. Don’t whatever you do take the other job - be much harder to cope with out of hours care as a single parent.

BlueMum16 · 21/09/2024 08:19

I'd definitely stick at the current job. Could you consider moving to 8-4? I know you don't want breakfast club for you DD but that would put your performance back on track at work and in a more secure position to look at what changes you want in your relationship?

newnamethanks · 21/09/2024 08:19

Oh dear. Don't get a new job, keep the one you love, you're going to need it. Your work will never please him; when you're finally chained to the sink you'll be a lazy stay at home mum who doesn't clean enough, cook enough nor look after children properly. And I pay for everything! You're so entitled. Do not surrender your autonomy to this man. No man, no matter how wonderful he appears to be, is worth the loss of self esteem and disappointment that will follow. Talk to Women's Aid.

hollyblueivy · 21/09/2024 08:19

What would happen if you was very firm with him that you love your job, you're staying in your job, you will be working until your finish time of 5pm and that you will not listen or respond to him any further about the matter?

MissUltraViolet · 21/09/2024 08:20

It makes me so sad thinking that you and your DD might continue to live your life with this man and I don't even know you.

Use breakfast club, use whatever you can to be able to remain in your job that makes you happy, you are going to need it more than you realise if you are going to continue going home to him.

Please do consider leaving. There is a lot of help out there for a single mother with a young child and it might not be as bad as you think. Yeah it will be tough, yes there will be a financial hit, maybe you will need to change your lifestyle, live somewhere you don't like much for a while and it will take time to get your life back together but...what is the cost of staying, for both of you?

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