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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is abuse.

290 replies

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:22

I love my job and I've always been good at it. Good contacted hours I've worked hard towards to fit around DD meaning no additional childcare, also good pay and I love my team.

DH always moans about it. I don't finished until 5 and by 4 he is moaning that I should be finished and my works stupid, won't look after DD as says I should be finished work and really puts me under pressure. Now my performance is declining.

I spoke to DH about this numerous times and he states he hates my job and he hopes I grt sacked so I have to apply for a new one.

I've eventually caved and have an interview for a new job today. Will mean having to work every other weekend, over Christmas and some nights. DH says we all have to make sacrifices.

I'm gutted, I worked really hard to get to where I am now and really do love my job.

OP posts:
softmauve · 21/09/2024 08:35

I can promise you he will moan about the next job.
Don't leave a job you love, just don't.

betterangels · 21/09/2024 08:38

He will moan whatever you do btw. He's clearly an arsehole. He wants to break you to control you and is using your child to do it. Please don't let him.

Hellogoodbyehello4321 · 21/09/2024 08:39

Yes, he is abusive. Its good you recognise that so you can make plans accordingly.

I know many pp have already said it but please do not leave a job you love to plesse this abusive man. You will regret it. If you do end up leaving him, it will be far better to be in a job you love and are familiar with , that has normal hours.

If you do want to placate him, and I'd understand why, then the better option would be to change your hours to the 8 to 4 and share the costs of the before school care. I know you said you don't want to do this but that protects you far better instead of moving to a job which is an unknown quantity with difficult hours

4andup · 21/09/2024 08:41

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:32

I wish it was. But nope absolutely true, I know I should stay at the job I want to do, but when you have someone moaning at you day after day for the last hour or so of your working day, it wears thin and it's easier to just get the new job.

Show quote history

Is it easier because it sounds like more hassle for you. Is he jealous that you was in a job you loved and got paid good money to do. Why don't you tell him to f off and stop coercively controlling you.

rainingagainargh · 21/09/2024 08:41

100% responses say do not leave your job. Please do not leave this job that you love. It is rare for a person to find a job they love, I do not know many people at all that love their job so please stay.
He is a waste of space and adds nothing to your life apart from shares the bills. I agree with literally everyone on this thread, leave him.

billybear · 21/09/2024 08:42

my god what a total tool. lose the husband ,keep the job, who does he actually think he is,

sammyjoanne · 21/09/2024 08:43

Tell him your staying in your current job, and your going to switch off the phone for the last hour so he can stop pestering you to come home. He works 6-2 and cant be bothered to look after the daughter (and his son).Tell him he needs to put his big boy pants on and get on with being an actual dad.

Perimenopausalpenny · 21/09/2024 08:44

Whilst there is give and take in any relationship and a compromise is to be had it should be agreed by both parties and as I say to my DH - you don't have to walk the walk and do the actual work and likewise I support what he needs to do in his career as he is the one that has to go in day to day.

As much as I hate to say it, your other does not sound like a nice, supportive partner. I'm sorry that you are in this situation to have to make at least one difficult choice (change your job or ltb...)

Gonk123 · 21/09/2024 08:44

Why doesn’t he like your job?

AMRP · 21/09/2024 08:45

Please stay in your current job if you are happy. This is abuse, what a bastard….

Wanttobefree2 · 21/09/2024 08:46

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:32

I wish it was. But nope absolutely true, I know I should stay at the job I want to do, but when you have someone moaning at you day after day for the last hour or so of your working day, it wears thin and it's easier to just get the new job.

Show quote history

Wouldn’t it be easier to use childcare so you’re self-sufficient and not relying on him? Getting a new job doesn’t solve your problem.

Travelsalot · 21/09/2024 08:46

He just wants to control you and make you miserable. What a selfish horrid man.
You can move to a job you hate and he will still be the same.

Highlandspringg · 21/09/2024 08:46

Don't leave your job, leave your "D"H. And in the meantime stand up to the prick and tell him to fuck off.

MumonabikeE5 · 21/09/2024 08:49

Don’t change jobs unless you want to.

your husband doesn’t want to parent.
he wants you to be at home.
Maybe he wants you isolated and dependent on him.
maybe he wants a housewife to care for him and so that he doesn’t have to care for kids and home .
can he afford for you to live on one salary?
(I’m not saying you want to be a SAHM)
if he can’t then that shuts him up .
he should have got himself a decent job if he wants to have a housekeeper and nanny.

if he can, but you don’t want to be financially dependent on him, well he needs to positively support and respect that too .

does he realise that when you divorce him he will be expected to be caring for your daughter 50% of the time?

is there after school club?
could your daughter do that?

Conniebygaslight · 21/09/2024 08:49

Yes it is abuse and you should leave.

N27 · 21/09/2024 08:50

You do 6-9 on your own while he’s at work and he does 2-5 on his own while you’re at work it’s literally the exact same split how can he complain about that?! I would turn my phone off or block him 3-5 every day.

you like your job, you are keeping your job, it is not up for discussion any more and you will not be replying or enabling any future whinges about it. It is what it is and if he doesn’t like it he is welcome to leave.

you will never change his behaviour, you can only choose how you deal with/react to it. Why should you be agonising over something that is literally only his issue

Conniebygaslight · 21/09/2024 08:51

Gonk123 · 21/09/2024 08:44

Why doesn’t he like your job?

Probably because OP enjoys it.

skeletonbones · 21/09/2024 08:51

Jeez.
1.put her in afterschool club till 5, will be much better than being nagged by this prick.
2.the new job is pretty much designed by him to fail as he wont look after her any of the extra time, you'll end up having to leave.
3.Leave him as soon as is safe and practical to do so, he is abusive nasty and bad for you and her.

DrummingMousWife · 21/09/2024 08:51

Oh please. He is not wanting to do any childcare - he will literally be complaining about your new job in weeks and you’ll go round this cycle again
i would seriously tell him to either shut up or leave , stay in the job you love fgs.
I say this as someone who hates their job - it’s hard everyday to do something you don’t want to do.

AirborneElephant · 21/09/2024 08:52

Please, please don’t change your job. A 9-5 job that you love is like gold dust, and so much easier to find childcare for when you leave him than a job that requires nights and weekends. Go to 8-4 with breakfast club if you have to for now, but please do start on a plan to leave him. You’ll be so much happier, and he’ll almost certainly want less contact than you fear given his dislike of looking after his own child for one hour in the afternoon!

betterangels · 21/09/2024 08:53

Gonk123 · 21/09/2024 08:44

Why doesn’t he like your job?

Because it's one place he can't control her is my guess.

Prinnny · 21/09/2024 08:53

Keep the job and ditch the husband! It is abusive, he’s trying to remove you from your support network and make you vulnerable in a new environment and therefore reliant on him. Is he for real tho, doesn’t want to watch his kid between 4-5pm but will solo parent all weekend, overnight and bank hols? Yeah sounds reasonable, not! Could DD go to after school club 4-5pm and you collect after work?
That way he’s nothing to moan about!

AirborneElephant · 21/09/2024 08:55

And I agree this is abuse. He’s setting you up to fail so you will leave the new job and be completely dependent on him and unable to leave. He hates that you have something you love and are independent, and fears that once DD is in full time school you won’t be trapped with him.

Beautiful3 · 21/09/2024 08:55

Don't leave your job! It's really rare to love your job. Stay there! Why would you want to.work weekends instead of until 5pm?! You'll hardly spend time with your child, because your partner is too lazy to care for her for an hour! Keep going with your job. It's perfectly normal to finish work at 5pm!

Joystir59 · 21/09/2024 08:55

I'd bet money that he's jealous of your success. Start planning your exit. DON'T give up the job you love that you've worked so hard for. Give HIM up.