Christmas hosting

[Lifethroughlenses]

We do alternate Christmases with DH’s and my family. This year it’s DH’s family. The expectation is that we will host for three days or so as we have the biggest house. Having said that, we can only fit in DH’s brother/wife and kids. The MIL and FIL plus an aunt will have to stay in a hotel.

But, I just don’t want to. When we hosted two years ago it was an expensive and exhausting exercise. Three days of catering and washing up non stop. I didn’t spend quality time with the kids because I was making endless cups of tea. I’m likely working until lunchtime Xmas eve and my work is really stressful in that period. My DH does help but it’s the usual thing of the mental load being on me and I will be the one sorting the peripheral stockings, gifts, decorations etc.

It’s difficult to delegate. BIL doesn’t drive so v limited on what they can bring. Aunt lives abroad so can’t really contribute.

I had suggested booking a cottage or going out for lunch but MIL doesn’t want to. I’m torn between thinking I should just suck it up again and thinking that it’s my Christmas too and it’s not much fun! So AIBU in not wanting to host?

I think as hostess your vote outweighs mil’s and my advice is tell, don’t ask.

would a cottage actually be any less work though? The logistics of it all sound exhausting.

Well if MIL doesn't want to that's her choice, but equally you are allowed not to want to host. She doesn't get more of a say than you do. Just say you're doing Xmas for yourselves this year and you're happy to meet up with them on Boxing Day but you won't be hosting this year.

@Beforetheend The advantage of a cottage is that there is no expectation that any one person does the catering etc so it gets divided up and everyone chips in financially and work wise. But I think that’s off the table as others don’t want to.

Why are you doing all that? Sure, cook Christmas lunch, but beyond that I just wouldn't. Book a pub dinner on boxing day and adopt a "you know where the kettle is" approach.

Firstly , you don’t need to spend Christmas with the whole extended family. MIL has three options here , to spend Christmas with her sister , your family or BIL.
Secondly , it doesn’t have to be three days or not everyone needs to be together for the whole time. No one can invite themselves to you. So you can offer your availability on Christmas Day but it is then up to a host or organiser of a break away to step up.
If they don’t want to host or go away with you for a few days then YOU have a back up plan which is to be at home with DH and the kids and perhaps drop in on MIL for a day or so over the Christmas period .

Why does everyone else get a say in what they do and don’t want and will or won’t do but you’re expected to host everyone through gritted teeth? I’d just say that you aren’t up for hosting everyone this year and want something more affordable / Low key/ minimal effort so either meet up at an Airbnb / pub lunch or do Christmas separately.

I guess first of all, for the sake of equity, would you do all that when it’s your family’s turn to visit. If so, then your husband may want similar. If not, then hell no. That sounds like my idea of hell both as a guest and host. Ultimately if they don’t take turns of hosting it’s massively unfair and just don’t.

do you all live far enough apart that the festivities really need to go on for 3 days? My family does, so I get it, but it’s that common so just checking.

would your household be willing to stay in a hotel if one of the other households hosted? Maybe this is the year BIL should take a turn? The home doesn’t have to be big enough for everyone to sleep. You can all stay elsewhere.

So everyone else gets to choose you do the work? No!

You need to send a clear message - you would love to share Christmas with them but won’t be hosting as it’s too much. Don’t elaborate! Suggest a cottage or ask them for alternative ideas, dismiss anything about hosting.

Good luck!

So this is really about resetting expectations then, and I can see that it could be easier to get that across the line in a neutral location.

What are the objections and who are they from?

I’m locked in to frustrating Christmas family dynamics for years now and it’s absolutely sucked the joy out of me. It’s very easy to sit here posting shoulds. But maybe if we drill down a bit into the situation we can help you find a solution?

After reading these stories year after year I so badly want a woman to just not do anything for Christmas and see what the fallout is and how the husband reacts. I'm sure he would be in for a shock.

In your situation though you're being a little unreasonable to make tea all the time, they can do it. BIL can strap on a backpack and bring a contribution! I don't drive either and sure it's a pain to carry what I need sometimes but that's life. Aunt can go out and get something or pick up appropriate food on the way from the airport. Tell DH he's doing the stockings this year.

Is the set up that your family stay over one year then DH’s the following? If so, do you also have an issue when it’s your family’s turn or is it only with the ILs and if that’s the case, why? Are the ILs just not very good guests or is it simply that they aren’t your parents so you’re not as interested in hosting them?

Hosting doesn’t have to be this stressful. Insist they chip in with chores/cooking or bring some prepped food along and they also should be making their own tea.

Even if BIL doesn't drive - surely he can arrange a contribution to be delivered to you? Granted that probably makes more sense for something like a case of wine / champagne, or the meat, or fancy cheese etc - but there's got to be something that he can sort which would help out.

Agree with others, this assumption that you will
host for three days and pay for it all needs to be broken, now!
We love hosting but family are told to arrive on Christmas Day at noon and bring wine/cheese, given breakfast on Boxing Day and thats it, time to go, that’s the deal.

You don’t say how far away they lor how small their houses are but others taking turns should also be part of the future arrangements.

Come on OP, in the words of Grange Hill…’just say no!’.

I support this view 100%.

If you don’t deal with this situation you will feel increasingly resentful, especially as you are currently unable to spend quality time with your own children.

i hope you find the strength needed to deal with this, you deserve to enjoy Christmas too!

Have BIL and auntie been living in a cave for the past ten years? There are very few limits nowadays on what can be ordered online and delivered to almost any address.

What sort of Christmas does your DH want?

I think, if you’ve been happy to host your family for Christmas, it’s unreasonable not to do this Christmas with his family if he wants that. But if you do all the work when it’s your family, then it’s reasonable to expect your DH to do all the work when it’s his family. Why isn’t he pulling his weight?

What other posters have said about your opinion about where you have Christmas being just as important as MiL’s is spot on. And your opinion on whether or not you have it at your house is far more important the Mil’s. You could do with repeating that to yourself until you actually believe it!

You could try having the conversation about a holiday cottage with MiL and others again and if they try to veto it again, say something like “Well, we could try and fit in at yours if you prefer. I’m just not up to hosting at ours again because I don’t enjoy it.”

Basically you need to tell people that you are over the doing-all-the-work gig. That you’re more than happy to have Christmas with all of them, as long as you experience it the way they’ve been able to experience it. See if anyone is prepared to step up.

Three days is a lot. But I think a cottage will be a harder work as it will still be considered 'your year' and you responsibility. Can you not break it down so it's less time and less work.

Surely the decorations are a given at Christmas and will go up before the main event. Use the decorations you already have. Tell everyone to bring their own stockings. You do for your family, Your brother sorts out his own family, MIL and Aunt do each other's stocking.

Perhaps they could arrive Christmas Eve after 5 for dinner - so that is one meal and you can order a take away.

Don't bother with a cooked breakfast for Christmas morning. Lay out croissants, jams, bagels salmon, juices and cereals and everyone can help themselves. Either book somewhere for Christmas dinner or make it yourself but buy in good quality sides to make things easier. Loads of picky bits for the evening.

Ask people to leave after breakfast on Boxing day. Tell them you have been given theatre tickets as a gift. Public transport maybe limited but it's still running on Boxing day.

I also agree that Brother can order crackers/wine/tubs of sweets to be delivered to your house.

I love to see my family and christmas and don't mind hosting for the meal however hour set up sounds completely exhausting and far too much for anyone, never mind someone with young children. It's a shame you got into this situation in the first place. How did that come about where is was expected?

Your suggestions of a meal out or hiring somewhere are good compromises. I would explain how stressful you find it and that if they want to see you these are the option. I can't imagine every knowing putting my own children through such stress when I am older.

You can still book a cottage and not invite the extended family.

What does your DH want to do?

We’ve never hosted as I didn’t want to be sucked into an extended - if not life long commitment.

Your DH really needs to properly share the work with you, AND communicate with his family that hosting in your house doesn’t mean you take on all the work and expense.

In our family everyone mucks in, properly! My siblings house is biggest but the hosts never do ANY washing up. Other people are in the kitchen washing up throughout prep and after meals. Other people are on drinks service. Veg prep. Tidying, table setting.

People contribute meaningful elements too. Not turn up with a box of chocs and garage flowers: get a case of wine delivered, bring the Christmas cake and the vegetarian main course , bring a generous amount of decent cheeses to last 3 days, bring all the soft drink, etc.

In fact, as if we were in a cottage!

Get your DH to make expectations clear. With a rota if necessary.

Hosting is Christmas lunch. Not 3 days! Give the time for them to arrive on Christmas morning and be waving them off at 7pm. If they can't drive then taxi or lift it is.

Neither DH nor I drive. We have wine delivered to the host’s house. Have also brought the Christmas pudding in the past.

But that’s all by the by. Don’t host them all if you don’t want to. Why should you be their Christmas slave?

This year we’ve got MIL and FIL and step-MIL coming. MIL lives round the corner, so she’ll arrive for breakfast time and possibly stay the night since she lives alone. The other 2 will be with us for the day. That’s enough.

I second the suggestion of stating you are not up to hosting this year and asking them for suggestions/solutions.

Not your issue to fix.

Assert your boundaries now or you will forever be downtrodden and resentful.

I would really bite the bullet and say that you find it exhausting and not at all enjoyable.

I really dislike this level of expectation at Christmas. It is quite mad really. So much expense, effort and drudgery for a day that marks the birthday of someone born a long long time ago.

I avoid much of it and whilst I enjoy the festive season, I keep it to the day of 25th - and not hyper hosting either.

OP, just say no and for the reasons you stated.