Christmas hosting

[Lifethroughlenses]

We do alternate Christmases with DH’s and my family. This year it’s DH’s family. The expectation is that we will host for three days or so as we have the biggest house. Having said that, we can only fit in DH’s brother/wife and kids. The MIL and FIL plus an aunt will have to stay in a hotel.

But, I just don’t want to. When we hosted two years ago it was an expensive and exhausting exercise. Three days of catering and washing up non stop. I didn’t spend quality time with the kids because I was making endless cups of tea. I’m likely working until lunchtime Xmas eve and my work is really stressful in that period. My DH does help but it’s the usual thing of the mental load being on me and I will be the one sorting the peripheral stockings, gifts, decorations etc.

It’s difficult to delegate. BIL doesn’t drive so v limited on what they can bring. Aunt lives abroad so can’t really contribute.

I had suggested booking a cottage or going out for lunch but MIL doesn’t want to. I’m torn between thinking I should just suck it up again and thinking that it’s my Christmas too and it’s not much fun! So AIBU in not wanting to host?

We often host 24-26th and we set it up like this after one year of what the OP is describing - which was hell on earth. We no longer host PIL because they expect to be waited on and generally hog the day/conversation/atmosphere etc, we take them for a meal sometime in the week before Christmas then they go off to BIL and declare if the best Christmas ever on repeat. Coincidentally they pay for everything at BIL’s and bring sod all to ours but I digress.

24th arrive from 2-4pm then pub dinner and a glass of wine at 5pm. It’s walking distance and various friends, their guests etc join as they please and it’s usually very pleasant. Hope for movie, pyjamas, cheeseboard and sweets.

25th brunch at 11am - pastries, sourdough toast, yogurt, granola and berries. Endless coffee and tea. Dinner at 4pm and it takes hours between courses and clear up. By 9pm DH and I are usually drinking port and wishing everyone would go to bed.

26th is bacon sandwiches at 12noon after long lies then everyone away by 2pm.

Of course the other “don’t want” to do something different like a cottage or out for lunch! As it stands they get the whole thing entirely catered for them, and paid for!

You need to say to them “‘no, I’m not hosting and doing it all again”. Why does having the biggest house make you everyone’s servant!?

When now DH and I bought our first flat together, I made it clear that I didn't want to get into any Christmas routines that we would find it hard to break when we had children. So we had a lovely quiet Christmas Day and would see wider family Boxing Day or the few days between Christmas and New Year (a mix of them coming to us or we going to them).
Then we got cats; my DM died and we moved further away. The cattery wasn't open Christmas Day or Boxing Day so we had those days on our own and the cats went to the cattery on the 27th for a few days. It was brilliant. No-one questioned our decision and everyone was happy to see us on our terms. It was probably easier because we both had jobs that shut down for the Christmas period.
When we had children our routine was already established and we continued to have quiet family Christmasses before going to visit PIL and see Aunts, Uncles and cousins.
This only changed after DC were adults and FIL died. We didn't want to leave MIL on her own so we've all spent Christmas with her since then (apart from lockdown) as she has the biggest house and enjoys hosting.
DC both now have their own homes and partners but don't yet live with them. MIL and DC have been invited to us this year (and made clear that partners are welcome too). We will have to collect MIL and take her back. No firm plans have been made and no expectation that DC must come to us and none that we will expect an invitation in the future.
Christmasses have been so much more relaxed having managed expectations right from the start and I would wholeheartedly recommend this approach!

A cottage is off the table because others don't want to? You have your solutions right there!!

By that statement, you hosting is off the table because some (you and DH) don't want to!!

Yes, this. They can decide they don't want a holiday cottage, but that shouldn't automatically mean you have to host these lazy stingy people for days on end. The 2 things aren't connected, unless you choose for them to be.

What do they all do on the years when you're spending Christmas with your own family? Does BIL/MIL host? Or do BIL and family spend Christmas with his wife's family?

That's a lot of people to be spending Christmas all together for several days. It sounds like something which you might be able/willing to host occasionally, but not every second year. Avoid getting stuck in patterns which people come to expect as a regular tradition. Maybe this year you could host just MIL and aunt from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, for example, and see BIL and family at another time over the Christmas holiday.

Why didn't you complain last year when they were hosting for you?
I say suck it up this year, and next year you do it in a cottage

We have this issue this year. We have the bigger house and it was assumed when we moved 8 years ago we would host. I said every other year as it’s a day I want to spend with my DH and kids. I don’t want to be cooking all bloody day, clearing up after people and getting the last few hours of the day in tired as hell having had zero time or enjoyment. DH mum left her partner because he shouted at one of our nephews who destroyed his TV and ripped apart a much treasured book given to him by a much loved family member. Nephew has ODD and behaves disgracefully and always has done. He’s banned from our house for destroying my son’s Lego models and tormenting our dog. Nobody reprimands him and held to ransom by his meltdowns. Due to this, MIL is on her own and BIL goes to Scotland to be with his in laws on alternate years. We will have to host MIL and because we will have to host MIL my parents expect an invite. It’s toxic and unbearable and I really want to tell everyone to do one and I will see them Boxing Day onwards.

We host every year. I don’t care how many I cook for as long as they all keep out of my kitchen.

You are BU posting a Christmas hosting thread in September!

Just do what both my adult children do and TELL them what you're doing/not doing. We have to do as we're told. "We don't want to see you this xmas" "We are going to xyz's this xmas as it's what we want to do". It hurts, but we have to suck it up.

How far away is DH brother and wife? Could MIL and aunt get a hotel near them and you guys visit them for one of the days for Xmas lunch? Then you can have a chilled one the other day. I would suggest you are willing to hotel every 4 years (alternative 2 yearly with the DH brother) if MIL is unable to host.

This sounds like a good plan to me. Be clear 'I'm not up for catering for days so... working Xmas eve so please either arrive after dinner or it's the pub for dinner/takeaway and we all pay for our own. Bacon sarnies and off you go on boxing day. We'll sort Xmas dinner but it is expensive so please all bring some wine and nibbles. Make sure you have plans boxing day afternoon even if it's just a walk so they have to go.

Christ, we'll be sick of these threads by November.

Well if the OP wants them to book a cottage instead, they are already looking tight on times. The MIL and aunt will need to book a hotel near the OP so leaving it until November to have the conversation- by which point hotels will have been booked - would be very unreasonable.

My grandparents always had Christmas a week early so we'd all go there for a lunch and a small gift from the tree. We ate buffet food rather than a traditional lunch.

You do not have the time to host these people. You might be free to drive somewhere on Christmas Day itself but you are unable to host this year. No argument. Either agree to go to BIL perhaps on the day or Boxing Day but otherwise you won't be coming.

I think part of the issue is that MIL hosts on the year we are at my family. However she does it very differently - much less food and somehow everyone rushes to help at hers (she’s quite a fearsome matriarch). So on our year she feels like she did “her” stint the year before, even though we weren’t there if that makes sense.

Definitely time to break the duopoly. How about every third year BIL 'hosts' but you stay in hotels?

@PullTheBricksDown That doesn’t work because then I’d only see my family every third year. I take your point but it is harder for BIL as he’s on his own with two kids (divorced)

There's nothing wrong with pointing this out.

"I don't think it's very fair that we host you every other year but you never host us. I wouldn't mind so much if everyone mucked in to help or offered to contribute in other ways but they don't."

Can't you do less food like MIL ? It feels like a lot of this is in your own gift- why do you have to offer more than others ?

DH needs to speak to his DB and ask for a financial and physical contribution.

I'd say swap. Go to your family again this year then MIL from now on.

It’s not all about the MIL, she doesn’t have the veto on Christmas plans e.g. the cottage idea. Your BIL also needs to contribute, so what if he’s divorced and doesn’t drive. If you don’t want to host -also known as being general dogsbody then you don’t need to. The problem with Christmas is like a lot of things, it brings out the entitlement and cheeky fucker in a lot of people. E.g. my auntie used to regularly rock up for 2 weeks every Christmas, not bring any food or drink or financial contributions. Might do the odd bit of washing up if you were lucky Then would spend most of her time monopolising the tv, lying on the sofa and eating cheese 🙄. Hasnt hosted since 1986. For some reason no one challenges her

I hosted last year, not long after going back to work from maternity and with 10 month old twins. I set my stall out that everyone would need to contribute with child wrangling, there wouldn’t be a full meal service and people would need to do some meals / tidying up. Instead apart from my husband then everyone took root in the lounge. Only emerging to request to make tea (no it’s at a crucial point in Christmas lunch cooking and you only had one half an hour ago) or make other random requests. Clearing up was rubbish so husband did it way into the night and l went to bed -l was ill with a chest infection. My brother paid for a takeaway one night but that was it. No one else could magically order or buy food or plan any meals 🙄. This year l am not hosting and won’t be hosting until other people that attended have done their turn in hosting. I didn’t see enough of my children and would have been exhausting even if l hadn’t been ill. I will then set down the ground rules even clearer than last time. People won’t like it, there will be moaning, emotional blackmail / manipulation etc. But life is too short for other people’s bullshit and laziness

Yeah I would do this. Just say you need to swap it for personal family reasons.

Then you won’t have to host them at all.

Alternatively, just be honest and say you’re over it. You are done with hosting Christmas and it won’t be happening anymore

Why isn't DH Brother taking his turn & hosting every other year so you only host once every 3 years? If you don't want to host then don't. it's unfair to expect you to when you don't enjoy it & don't spend time with the kids etc. Send a message in the Family group chat explaining that you've decided to go out to lunch this year can you get numbers of those interested to make the booking. Leave it at that & if anyone says anything just explain you fancy a change & to be able to switch off & relax this year/ You're not doing anything wrong so don't feel guilty