Christmas hosting

[Lifethroughlenses]

We do alternate Christmases with DH’s and my family. This year it’s DH’s family. The expectation is that we will host for three days or so as we have the biggest house. Having said that, we can only fit in DH’s brother/wife and kids. The MIL and FIL plus an aunt will have to stay in a hotel.

But, I just don’t want to. When we hosted two years ago it was an expensive and exhausting exercise. Three days of catering and washing up non stop. I didn’t spend quality time with the kids because I was making endless cups of tea. I’m likely working until lunchtime Xmas eve and my work is really stressful in that period. My DH does help but it’s the usual thing of the mental load being on me and I will be the one sorting the peripheral stockings, gifts, decorations etc.

It’s difficult to delegate. BIL doesn’t drive so v limited on what they can bring. Aunt lives abroad so can’t really contribute.

I had suggested booking a cottage or going out for lunch but MIL doesn’t want to. I’m torn between thinking I should just suck it up again and thinking that it’s my Christmas too and it’s not much fun! So AIBU in not wanting to host?

Don't kid yourself! The expectation of your husband's family will absolutely be that you are still the host, you will still be doing it all. In an unfamiliar kitchen.

" I didn’t spend quality time with the kids because I was making endless cups of tea."
That is just plain wrong. And very unfair on you.

"I’m likely working until lunchtime Xmas eve and my work is really stressful in that period."
Then you knock it on the head, completely. You tell everyone that this year you will be having a quiet you-and-the-kids-only Christmas, and you tell them this TODAY so that they have plenty of time to arrange an alternate Christmas between themselves.

Presumably it went okay when you hosted your own family, or you'd have said you were tired of that too?

She didn't say that she hosted when it was her family's Christmas

Perhaps they live nearby and so don't need to be hosted for three days. Maybe there aren't as many of them so they don't all need to be at the OP's house.
Or one of her family members might have a bigger house than the OP.
They might all pitch in so the OP doesn't have to do everything.
They could be drivers who don't live overseas so aren't restricted on bringing contributions.

She didn't say that she hosted when it was her family's Christmas

You're right, @RitzyMcFee, and it was silly of me to have missed that

The point still holds good about what's being expected of OP though, in that if she's supposed to do a lot she wouldn't be doing for her own family, the least they could do is pitch in

And what's with the "endless cups of tea" anyway? Don't they have hands to plug in a kettle?

@RitzyMcFee We rarely host my family because it’s spread around more.

Neither family lives close. It’s 2 hours so they can’t come for the day.

And my DH is pretty good. He does all the cooking on Christmas Day and at least equal the clearing/washing up. He’ll make drinks etc. It’s just the other peripheral Xmas stuff. I don’t know anyone where all of that is truly split equally to be honest. But what DH does isn’t really the issue - it’s joint finances and a joint effort and joint not spending much time with the kids.

Stand up for yourself, it's either a cottage/Air b&b with everybody contributing to cost or you DH and DC are having Christmas alone this year.

Just don't host. Stop this alternating nonsense. Everyone has to have a turn if you must. BUT you have your own family now. Why do you want to waste your dc childhood by spending it exhausted cooking and cleaning?

We do not do the carting around from house to house when we had dc. Any lunch planned is done by every single family making one or two meals. And everyone pitches in with the cleaning.
My dc being relaxed at home, and us as parents having a great relaxed day is more important than anything. Thankfully the GP's have realised that they have had their time and choose to make the day about the dc and what would be most comfortable for them.

Just stop the hosting. You are wasting precious years away by doing this. If no one is willing to share the burden equally then just stop.

3 days is far too long.
They could come for the day. They just don't want to.
Talk to DH first, this week, and say you can't host them for 3 days and don't want to so an alternative will have to be found. Discuss some alternatives and then DH presents them to the family and they decide which one they want to do but there is no option to come to your place for 3 days again.
It's just far too much over Christmas and spoils the time you have with your own children.

MIL may not want to go out for Christmas lunch but she clearly doesn't want to cook her own either. And she's not the boss of you. Say straight out 'I'm working right up till Christmas so we're going out for our Christmas Day meal this year. If you would rather stay at home and do your own thing that's fine. Let me know either way'

With BIL, send him a list and say 'this gets round the transport problem, please get them delivered to ours for the week before. Or give me your card details and DH will add it to our shop'.

Op don't waste your dc childhood by doing this. You will regret it one day if you aren't already resenting it now. Get them all to book into somewhere else and go out for Xmas lunch. This setup of alternating hosting families is actually dying out now, I don't know anyone who does this without sharing in the costs/workload. Actually most people we know are staying at home on Xmas day with families and doing the family visits on Boxing day. The burden on young families to host and cater is just ridiculous.

@@Lifethroughlenses

Could be worse. I have hosted for the last 20 years, every single Christmas (except covid year) for my parents and the in-laws too. I dread it every year and they stay for around 4 days! I am the only child and no-one else will offer to have them or invite them 🙄

I think you do have to keep reminding yourself that it's your Christmas too and you don't actually owe to anyone other than your children, to provide Christmas.
Just because your mil wants to do it a certain way ( in your house, at your expense), it doesn't follow that you have to give her what she wants.
Your own family take it in turns to host, so why should she family get out of any effort?

But it won't change unless you change. You've got to put on your big girl pants and send a message in the family group chat to say you are working Christmas Eve, are tired and don't get enough time with your kids, so want a quiet Christmas with just them and won't be hosting. When it kicks off, you should point out that you do it every time it's 'your' year and that it's tiring, expensive and unfair.
What do they all do on the year you go to your family?

As your hosting because you have the biggest house presumably if you’re not available they can gather at your BiL’s house, staying in a hotel if necessary?

I didn’t spend quality time with the kids because I was making endless cups of tea.

But this is up to you. You have a mouth and you could just show them where the kettle is if they don’t already know. This is being a martyr or a doormat.

So it's time to send out a message to both sets of parents and say you've had twenty years of hosting and you're ready for a break. Send them a list of airbnbs in the area and ask them to sort themselves out, and send a choice of one or two restaurants for xmas day lunch and tell them to choose quickly as everything's booking up. Then say that each couple - you & DH, in-laws and your DPs will pay for their own meal. Tell them you'll host a Boxing Day picky buffet and tell them what their contribution is - wine, champers, whatever.

If / when you get howls of outrage, keep repeating after 20 years it's time for a change. Stick to your guns! They might even enjoy the new regime. You certainly will!

@BritAirwaysgirl Sending solidarity. It’s easy to say don’t do it but the practice is very hard, particularly because I’m sure you would feel guilty if you didn’t.

But it's time to stop feeling guilty - once the change is made, it will become the status quo next time. The alternative is festering resentment. Just bite the bullet and tell them how it's going to be from now on, don't ask them.

OP remember that these people are adults who cook and make tea for themselves just fine for the rest of the year. This behaviour is a choice and you don't have to accept it.

We rarely host my family because it’s spread around more

In that case I see no reason not to suggest alternatives to the hosting you've done for inlaws for years - besides, the arrival of your own DCs is usually a time for new traditions to be made for the children's sake and your own

And frankly, if the ILs are the type to just sit there while everyone else works hard, it's about time

Rota, put people on washing up if you're cooking
, clearing up the mess etc

Show people where the tea/ coffee , sugar, milk and mugs are and tell them the can make their own.

Don't do over fussy meals. Last time we had a family Christmas we did pizza on Christmas Eve.
Boxing day left over turkey mixed with mushroom ( or other ) soup, make a pastry top out of ready rolled pastry boom! hand made turkey pie.

@Lifethroughlenses we are locked into alternate Christmas days too. Fil spends it in Spain every year so at least that's one less complication.

Since having D's in 2019 we've gotten much better at making it clear it's our Christmas too, mostly his tbh.

When it's my family's turn we either host or go to my mum's. Everyone mucks in and it's fine.

When it's my mil's turn we host. Dh picks her up around 11am so he's around to help with prep/D's and takes her home about 4/5pm so he has the evening to chill and have a drink (we don't have an extra room or we'd genuinely offer for her to stay over) Boxing day is our day to chill with D's and his toys, tubs of sweets, films etc.

I would meet them half way this year - say you're happy to do Christmas dinner but like a pp says, Christmas eve is a takeaway, boxing day is picky bits or out for lunch (and finances are split) and if people want tea they can darn well help themselves to the kettle. You are a host, not a skivvy!

It is hard. It’s fairly simple. But it’s hard. That guilt, though, is internal. It’s not reasonable for you to feel guilty for refusing to have them at your house when you’ve made a perfectly good alternative suggestion that they’ve waved aside because it suits them to have you shoulder all the planning and expense.

Be more honest in your communication with them. They aren’t considering you when they make their preferences known, there is nothing wrong with insisting your Christmas is as important as theirs. The only way that is going to happen is if you and/or DH make it clear to them what you want.

‘Right family, we are all going on holiday this year, this is the hotel if you are coming too.’😀

I think it is about manageability. Cut down the length of stay if nothing else @Lifethroughlenses
‘We are serving a buffet tea on Christmas Eve at 18.00, we are not available beforehand’. Same again Boxing Day ‘ we will all have breakfast at 10.30, giving you time to drive home in the light, we are off for a long walk’.

If you have to do Christmas at least it is little more than a day. I've done it and managed. My DM always tried to extend her stay, I used the above!

Book to go away on Boxing Day, or 27th latest. That’s what my brother with the big house is doing and I don’t blame him!

@HanaLeigh I think that’s a good strategy. To be honest it’s the only strategy on Xmas Eve as I’m working!

You could suggest they cook on Christmas Eve. Say you will be working so could they arrange a grocery delivery of whatever ingredients they need and prepare something as you will be working.