Christmas hosting

[Lifethroughlenses]

We do alternate Christmases with DH’s and my family. This year it’s DH’s family. The expectation is that we will host for three days or so as we have the biggest house. Having said that, we can only fit in DH’s brother/wife and kids. The MIL and FIL plus an aunt will have to stay in a hotel.

But, I just don’t want to. When we hosted two years ago it was an expensive and exhausting exercise. Three days of catering and washing up non stop. I didn’t spend quality time with the kids because I was making endless cups of tea. I’m likely working until lunchtime Xmas eve and my work is really stressful in that period. My DH does help but it’s the usual thing of the mental load being on me and I will be the one sorting the peripheral stockings, gifts, decorations etc.

It’s difficult to delegate. BIL doesn’t drive so v limited on what they can bring. Aunt lives abroad so can’t really contribute.

I had suggested booking a cottage or going out for lunch but MIL doesn’t want to. I’m torn between thinking I should just suck it up again and thinking that it’s my Christmas too and it’s not much fun! So AIBU in not wanting to host?

This sounds horrific. I would not be doing this. I’d tell DH very firmly that you are not hosting all these people for 3 days. Was it a similar situation when you hosted your family last year? It’s really not fair it’s always on you to host. I’d say to the family that you’re not hosting this year but happy to meet with people for Boxing Day to travel to a pub for a meal. Aunt can stay with her sister. BIL can stay in his own house or at his mums

I'd do all this and more. Get managerial on them. Each couple to plan and prepare a meal. Set a washing up rota.

What's the worst that can happen? They go somewhere else next time?

There are dozens of threads like this every autumn. Why do women (and it is nearly always women) turn into the family doormat?

Sorry OP but you can sort this with one word. It is "no".

Honestly, nobody will die if you announce you are not doing Christmas this year/are going to a cottage with just your DH and DC/they can come for lunch and have to bring xyz and do the chores allocated to them on the list pinned up in the kitchen.

Why is it seemingly only you who can operate the kettle?

It is so, so depressing that women let themselves get into these situations.

I always have great admiration for a former colleague. She made it plain for years that she would "do" Christmas until her youngest turned 18.

After that she never did another thing. No presents, no food, no decorations. Her argument was that 20 years was a long enough shift and if others wanted it to happen they had to do it. She went on a retreat one year and left them all to it.

She is an all round fabulous woman.

Oh. I have it.

Since your having a family Xmas it is BIL's turn to host.
Plan on eatting somewhere for Christmas meal, and you can stay in a hotel near BIL, or cottage with MIL.

After all a change of scenery ECT. Stress this....
When they say no. Well if it is ok for BIL not to host , the same goes for you. ECT....

@Lifethroughlenses so how far away from you does bil and his wife life, how far away does mil, fil live? three days is exhausting! why is it as long as three days and at what point do they all arrive on your doorstep and when do they finally depart? i have done one day for over 40 years and honestly can say i would happily sit down with beans on toast for a change!

Tell everyone you're doing Christmas lunch and that's it - you have plans for Christmas Eve and Boxing Day with the kids. They can all stay in a hotel.

BIL doesn’t drive so v limited on what they can bring. Aunt lives abroad so can’t really contribute.

Why can't these lazy fuckers organise and pay for a big food shop to be delivered to your house? They're taking advantage and saving themselves a small fortune each Christmas.

Everyone always comes to mind at Christmas. I send lists telling them what to bring with them eg my step dad does all the veg, peeled ready to cook. My sister lives abroad and so can't bring things, but always sorts out Xmas eve dinner, so I buy it and she pays, I tell her how much she owes me. She arrives and immediately starts cooking it.

Sounds like you need to organise people into doing it. Also I never make tea and coffee, it's help yourself around here!!

This.

I'm a bit puzzled that you're making endless cups of tea, OP. Stop offering - when they arrive tell them they have full self-service rights and they are to make themselves tea or coffee when they fancy it. This is if you do go ahead with it - as I suspect you will.

YANBU.
I never hosted in my life and didn't miss out on anything.

If it's been agreed then I'd do something but I would suggest they arrive Christmas morning and stay just the one night. Ask everyone to choose a dish to bring along.

It’s the law in this house that whoever cooks the Christmas dinner (me) relaxes on the sofa with coffee/gin/chocolates afterwards, while others - I don’t give a toss who - clear the table, load the dishwasher/tidy the kitchen and leave it pristine. 🙂

Just book a table at a hotel for your own unit and then say to the pils that they're welcome to join however they'll till have to book it & be at their own expense. It's then upto them if they want to join you or not, if they don't attend then you'll know why.

Grow a pair and start dictating your take on xmas. I would be saying
Dear family happy to host Christmas lunch for you all on xmas day. Suggest this year you all book a hotel or airbnb... as I work full time and need a break too and want to spend time in my PJs with just my family not running around after you all like an unpaid domestic servant .
Suggest we all meet up at the Xx pub on boxing day at lunchtime. And would be happy to come to your rental place if you want to host another get together.

There are some ways to maybe make it a little easier for yourself.

Get a takeaway xmas eve (everyone pays for what they order).
Provide and cook xmas dinner - ask for help cleaning up though.
Make sure there was a little tea/coffee 'station' in kitchen and make it clear everyone helps themselves.
Book a meal for boxing day (again, everyone pays for what they eat - or if they don't want to go leftovers/sandwich supplies are in the fridge, see ya later)

Or - just don't host? Tell everyone you're not up to it and you want to spend the day as a family alone. Book yourselves somewhere and say sorry we are not available this year. Try and reduce the 3 days to 1-2?

Just tell your family and OHs family that hosting just isn't enjoyable for you any more - you're happy to see them but would enjoy it more if it was just one day and/or everyone 'mucked in'.
You deserve to enjoy christmas too.

We’re spending Christmas in a holiday cottage and going out for lunch. Very few holiday cottages have kitchens that are up to cooking a traditional lunch and it would be much more stressful.

Don’t make all the tea, let everyone sort themselves out. Set expectations well in advance - the person who cooks doesn’t clear up, everyone brings something, they’re all on their own for breakfast, etc. Presumably you’ll be doing what you call the peripherals wherever you were.

I know how you feel OP, there's so much expectation and I think those who have never hosted don't appreciate the work, they seem stuck in early adulthood at Christmas time and expect other people to do everything for them.

The argument you need to have is probably with your husband. It sounds like you might be able to refuse to host, what would they all do if you said 'we're not hosting this year'? I can't, if I don't host my BIL expects my 89yo MIL to host him and his family for a fortnight (he's late 50s and never had Christmas in his own house!). And since MIL is lovely I put up with him for a few days for her sake. Will be interesting to see what he does when she dies because I have no intention of hosting him after that.

We host from 23rd to the 28th but it’s a shared effort - in laws are here until the 26th; quick bed strip and bathroom clean - and my DF and DSM here from 26th to 28th, with my DB and family on 26th-27th. DB & fam stay in a hotel nearby.

It works because we delegate and prep in advance and go out for one meal either on the 23rd or the 27th and a show or concert etc on the other. We have a dishwasher which I load with pans etc and run a quick wash while we’re eating Christmas dinner, quickly unload, and reload with the plates and cutlery. Minimal washing up. Easy buffet for tea.

Boxing day lunch - a beef casserole etc cooked in advance and defrosted. Heat up and cook potatoes and veg - no gravy needed - easy. Easy buffet for tea.

Guests bring desserts and stuff for the buffet, wine and chocs etc

We usually do a cooked breakfast once per family; rest of the days are cereal, fruit, croissants, toast.

Everyone helps with drinks and snacks, clearing away and washing up what doesn’t go in the dishwasher. Someone bags up wrapping paper and takes it home to recycle.

We go out for a walk one day. SIL always brings a new board game or challenge which we enjoy.

Basically it works - because everyone helps. Our DSs are on drinks duty at meals, for example.

OP - DH needs to establish expectations. In your case, I’d go out for Boxing Day lunch - no argument. And BiL should be shown where the tea and coffee are.

We normally host as same- biggest house to accommodate. I don't mind too much as everyone tends to muck in (as it should be). I have my parents, my inlaws and my DB/Sil

Bil/wife should definitely be mucking in!

Xmas eve I normally have something in the slow cooker (venison stew or curry or something)

Xmas day - I prep stuff before and freeze.

Boxing Day - my mum brings something pre made that can be heated up.

I think if you host your family you can really not host in laws but they do need to help!

Jeez OP…..sounds like a nightmare.

In my rather vast experience of Christmases, family and life in general I find that once you've broken the "mould" or long standing expectation, people will begin to accept it. Admittedly it's usually grudgingly at first but then the following year they fall in with the new arrangement, until the old one is just a distant memory. Of course, you've got to have the courage to break the mould in the first place but it is the only way.

I did similar with my mother (who was a formidable woman) but once she was over the initial shock and there'd been a load of argy bargy, she realised it was the new way or nothing and she accepted it. She even enjoyed the new arrangement more than the old one after the first year.

You can't be held to ransom OP. Do Christmas your way, but with a few compromises.

Why on earth do you let your husband get away with this?! Just tell him it’s down to him to host this year after his lack of help previously. He can arrange everything, he can host his parents and you’ll contribute the same amount of input as he did last time. It’s so bloody disrespectful that he treats you like this.

Tell your DH you're not hosting. He can if he wants, but you know you'll be wiped, and you're not up to facing it. You have provided a sensible option: you book dinner out.

Or tell him if he's adamant you have to host, then he does the cooking and cleaning up after his extended family and the endless tea making (that mysteriously they all can't seem to manage themselves, even tho they are presumably capable adults). If he is outraged by that suggestion, that will be very telling ... okay for you to essentially miss Christmas and wipe yourself out doing the grunt labour but not him?