Christmas hosting

[Lifethroughlenses]

We do alternate Christmases with DH’s and my family. This year it’s DH’s family. The expectation is that we will host for three days or so as we have the biggest house. Having said that, we can only fit in DH’s brother/wife and kids. The MIL and FIL plus an aunt will have to stay in a hotel.

But, I just don’t want to. When we hosted two years ago it was an expensive and exhausting exercise. Three days of catering and washing up non stop. I didn’t spend quality time with the kids because I was making endless cups of tea. I’m likely working until lunchtime Xmas eve and my work is really stressful in that period. My DH does help but it’s the usual thing of the mental load being on me and I will be the one sorting the peripheral stockings, gifts, decorations etc.

It’s difficult to delegate. BIL doesn’t drive so v limited on what they can bring. Aunt lives abroad so can’t really contribute.

I had suggested booking a cottage or going out for lunch but MIL doesn’t want to. I’m torn between thinking I should just suck it up again and thinking that it’s my Christmas too and it’s not much fun! So AIBU in not wanting to host?

Yes, I should point out that DH cooks the Boxing Day meal and the ham for the buffets. I only really cook Christmas dinner; cooked breakfasts are shared efforts.

There is no way I would host if I had a useless DH, or one who thinks loading the dishwasher once is a fair share of the work.

Gosh that sounds so intense

I mean I love hosting but I'm not a skivvy. My in-laws are capable of putting the kettle on. My MIL has been known pre kids to bring us tea in bed when staying at ours. I think you have to weigh up to if you actually want to a family thing. If yes then it needs to be simplified with takeaway and meals out. If no then a very firm "you need to make your own plans" happens sooner rather than later.

I assume the three days is down to public transport/travel distances?

They sound like staggeringly inconsiderate guests if you get no offers of financial or practical contributions (and they can’t even make their own tea).

We have had the same family member staying with us for 15+ years and this year I have broken free. @Lifethroughlenses I cannot recommend this highly enough for your own mental health.

Their visits have gradually got longer, from coming for the day to three days (and I cracked when I found out - via another family member! - that they were planning five whole days this year without asking us). They contribute nothing beyond a box of chocolates that they get cheap from work, and have even billed us when we’ve asked them to bring contributions in the past. There were lukewarm offers of help that never really added up to anything genuinely useful. Increasingly too they were excluding me and hero-worshipping DH so I felt uncomfortable in my own home. But I kept thinking that I didn’t want them to be alone, that they loved coming, that they ‘meant well’, and that one person really added not a huge amount to our bills (they were though a very enthusiastic drinker of expensive alcohol).

Now I’ve said we’re unavailable this year, the sky has not fallen in, they have made other arrangements, and I feel excited for Christmas for the first time in ages, not braced to spend it furiously texting my friends as an outlet!

Exactly. Just tell them you're not doing it. How they respond to that is up to them. ETA Not just this year . Any year.

OP for what it would cost you to host all that you could catch a flight on xmas eve and have xmas day in the sun! No hassle no stress! However on a serious note they seem to be organising your family traditions, if you dont want to do this then don't, make your own traditions and stop it now before it gets embedded. You absolutely do not have to do this.

I don’t know why people aren’t honest with family (and husbands) and say no, I can’t do this, it’s too much for me. Being knackered with a stressful job right up until Christmas Eve is not insignificant and your well-being matters.

Unfortunately if they don’t give shit about you flogging yourself, you need to assert yourself and say things are going to be different this year. They can like it or lump it. Having the bigger house and having a vagina does not automatically mean you are the default scivvy and bottlewasher for everyone else.

I don't really see how going out for 1 lunch will help the situation when it's 3 days of drudgery. Also agree a cottage will be worse and they can make their own tea.

I don't drive either and I get presents and food ordered and delivered in advance or go in a taxi/cadge a lift from another guest if there's decent shopping nearby. At the very least there will be somewhere nearby that sells alcohol and chocolate.

I think assigning everyone something they can do would help take the pressure off and surely not annoy them too much - one person does the teas, one person loads the dishwasher etc. DH should do more too, especially in the run up.

YANBU - sounds like you need a rest, so don't host for 3 days! Decide what you would be prepared to do with DH family, suggest it to them, and let people pick and choose what they join you for. Don't open your home for a big long weekend hosting if it is too overwhelming, else it'll just breed ill-feeling, stress, and you'll feel more exhausted than you were before Christmas!

Well done for putting in your boundaries 👏 enjoy!!

It sounds batshit crazy that you should both host and pay for it all, for three days? Of course they don’t want to get a cottage, funny that. Think of your children and yourself. It’s absolutely fine to tell the truth, it’s too exhausting and too expensive.

Don’t push the cottage idea otherwise you’ll end up the main organiser and people will still expect you to be the host even in another place.
Just say you are not up for hosting this year and ask who wants to take a turn. Leave it at that.

Aunt from abroad and non driving brother can still contribute. They can order online to be delivered. When we lived abroad we always did this.

I have to agree strongly with this. I have done a few group holidays with friends who all get on really well, but inevitably there will be the ones who say things like ‘sounds like a great idea!’ and ‘let me know what I can bring’, and the ones who are finding the house, meal planning, drawing up shopping lists etc.

“I’m working Christmas Eve so won’t be able to host Christmas this year. What do you fancy doing instead? We could book a lovely cottage somewhere together and go out to a pub/ restaurant for Christmas dinner”

I agree. Do not suggest anything else, or you will be the organizer.

There's no reason why costs can't be shared.

Or the workload for that matter. They shouldn't be sitting about whilst you slave away

They wash up, they help prepare the veg. They make the tea

You play with the kids and they sort out the tea - they can all make turkey sandwiches

Even if we host my parents will make and bring most of the food, and my DH will tell me to sit down and talk to my mum
while he clears the table and sort the washing up. 😅 But I will do the presents and set the table nicely, decorate the house etc which is more work.

You can decide to have the Christmas you and your DH want.

However, both extended families should be offered the same arrangements.

I find hosting hard work and little joy. When I do I am a bit of a perfectionist. With plenty of warning and discussion our extended families know that we are at home alternate years and the two of us away alternate years.
This has helped adult children and our parents make plans too.

This is exactly why I stopped several years ago and my family of four go to a hotel. £400 well spent in my opinion. I was fed up of feeling like I didn't spend Christmas day with my children. You are likely to upset people but stick up for yourself, life is hard enough. Good luck!

If you don’t want to, don’t 🤷‍♀️

”want to spend more time with the kids this year. See you at such and such place for lunch on Boxing Day.”

Book a suitable holiday rental, location, location, location.
Make a military style timetable of days and duties, evenly distributed.
Distribute to all involved, women, men and children, at least twice well in advance. Follow up with jolly phone call announcing New Tradition.
Take Christmas by the scruff of the neck and resist the enormous load that is imposed, mainly on women. Good luck

YANBU

I would consider, as a compromise, saying you're happy to offer the home as the venue but you're not offering to take on the catering and organisation again. If someone is prepared to take on the organisation (including online shop/splitting of costs/delegation of tasks to everyone) then you're happy to offer the venue.

Drop that rope. You did the venue, organisation, paying, catering, work last time...definitely NOT your turn to do all of that again, especially the organisation of it - which can be worse than doing it all yourself...

Agree about the cottage, you'll end up like Kev on that Motherland episode.

Presumably it went okay when you hosted your own family, or you'd have said you were tired of that too?

So whatever worked with them, do that as far as possible:
Are yours more willing to lend a hand? Hand BIL/SIL something to do
Are they just more relaxing to be around? Remember it's your Christmas too and you don't have to put on a performance
Do yours readily chip in? Tell BIL/SIL what you want them to contribute/bring

And so on ...