Christmas hosting

[Lifethroughlenses]

We do alternate Christmases with DH’s and my family. This year it’s DH’s family. The expectation is that we will host for three days or so as we have the biggest house. Having said that, we can only fit in DH’s brother/wife and kids. The MIL and FIL plus an aunt will have to stay in a hotel.

But, I just don’t want to. When we hosted two years ago it was an expensive and exhausting exercise. Three days of catering and washing up non stop. I didn’t spend quality time with the kids because I was making endless cups of tea. I’m likely working until lunchtime Xmas eve and my work is really stressful in that period. My DH does help but it’s the usual thing of the mental load being on me and I will be the one sorting the peripheral stockings, gifts, decorations etc.

It’s difficult to delegate. BIL doesn’t drive so v limited on what they can bring. Aunt lives abroad so can’t really contribute.

I had suggested booking a cottage or going out for lunch but MIL doesn’t want to. I’m torn between thinking I should just suck it up again and thinking that it’s my Christmas too and it’s not much fun! So AIBU in not wanting to host?

Find a local deli/ restaurant that do a pre prepared Xmas dinner. Send the link to everyone saying ‘I’m thinking of doing this , but it’s expensive so can we all chip in’

As others said, book a pub for Boxing Day and then it’s just whatever’s in the fridge for the 3rd day. Breakfast and tea should be help yourself. Make your DH do the shop. I appreciate beds need to be changed etc but just do the minimum

TBH booking a cottage would need even more planning, and I dare say you’d still be lumbered with all the cooking, without the convenience/familiarity of your own kitchen. Speaking from experience here! 10 of us plus 2 tinies once booked a seaside rental in rural Devon for Christmas - too many of us (inc. family from abroad) for anyone’s house.
It worked very well, but took an awful lot of planning/prep. - who was bringing what, lists of absolutely everything we were going to need, with no shops nearby, let alone open at 9pm on 🎄Eve.

Get DH on board.

Keep it simple and assign jobs- tell BIL he needs to contribute XYZ and he can get it ordered here.

Go out for lunch on Boxing Day and leave tea/coffee stuff out and announce everyone needs to help themselves to the stuff.

I genuinely don’t know why women put themselves through this year after year.

no way in hell would I be doing all that when I don’t want to.

if your dh wants that, he can host and do it all.

speak up, say no. Say you don’t want to host. No point coming on here saying you don’t want to. Tell them that!!

You need to tell everyone that they need to muck in.

Drinks station set up and everyone helps themselves. Everyone bring what they like to drink and you provide tea/coffee and soft drinks.

Tell them what time to arrive, make this about a hour before lunch on Xmas day so you can have a chilled morning Prep as much of the dinner as possible on Xmas eve. If you’re cooking then DH cleans up. Fully cleaned and tidied kitchen before lunch is served. Then everyone helps clears the table after lunch and does the dishes and ask for sometime to muck in, eg DJ chucks the tea towel at BIL and says ‘I’ll wash you dry’, or to MIL ‘oh can you just clear those glasses off the theory for me please’ etc etc

Everyone brings food for the evening. Send out a list of what they can bring eg cheese board, dessert, crisps + dip etc. Again ask someone to help you lay it out. Try to avoid anything that needs cooking. Paper plates and plastic cutlery so no dishes required.

Boxing Day family walk followed by pub lunch (just book the table and tell them where you’re all going don’t ask) followed by oven pizzas/costco lasagne for dinner again with paper plates and plastic cutlery.

"it's a shame we're not going with the cottage/restaurant idea as I guess that means we're all doing our own thing - even the thought of hosting exhausts me, so we won't be doing it this year."

They're rejecting your ideas because they believe you're the default setting and that they can be hosted by you if they don't go. Once they know it's restaurant or nothing, they'll be more amenable to the idea.

P.s. I also think you'll end up doing all the hosting in a cottage so I wouldn't go for that either.

Of course the sponging lazy bastards say no! They want to be waited on for free. Say it’s cottage or nothing and hold the line. You can do this OP! Break the cycle.

I would really bite the bullet and say that you find it exhausting and not at all enjoyable.

So would I.

You say they come every other year, so what do you do for the year they aren't coming? Are you catered for etc?

You need to talk to your dh. You can’t keep doing what you’re doing, it’s making you miserable. He either needs to do all the work of hosting his family, find a second option or cancel it.

Hi everyone! It's coming up for Christmas with you, we'd love a year off hosting this year so let's brainstorm some alternatives. X

What stopping your DH from running around doing the hosting? Presumably he knows where the kettle is?

I agree, be honest and say that the waiting on them hand and foot hosting is too much and you won't be doing it that way again. Have an honest chat with DH about what you are prepared to do.

@Lifethroughlenses A few things.

Firstly, what would happen if you said this? "Sorry MIL but it's a big ask. Two years ago I ran myself ragged waiting on everyone hand and foot, without even getting into how much it cost to host everyone for three days. I wouldn't mind if we took turns but I resent the expectation that we will host and finance Christmas every other year when others don't do the same. That's why I suggested a cottage, so we can spread the labour and financial burden more equitably."

Secondly, what do they do on the alternate years, when you see your family?

Thirdly, what does your husband think and why isn't he handling comms/managing expectations with his own parents and siblings?

I have been in that situation and it's tough. I tried to put my foot down so I only catered Christmas dinner ( a feat in itself) but then the lazy buggers wouldn't even help wash up afterwards and started looking at me around 6pm for dinner.

As it's your DH family can you push the majority of work onto him. Focus on your DCs and doing what you need to do for them, but tell him he needs to sort out gifts food ordering etc. Can you afford the expense? If so I would just go with it, but get DH to ask BIL to bring alcohol by pre ordering it for the house. Boxing Day definitely go out - I would get DH to send an email saying it's too much for you to cook all these meals so here's the plan for Boxing Day, price is £xx per person needing to be paid in advance.

When they get to the house, show them the kettle and say they should help themselves

Or make yourself popular with your colleagues and volunteer to work over Christmas so DH does all the work in the house, and you spend time with your DCs once everyone has gone.

Please do your own thing. Let them do theirs! It sounds exhausting. Why don’t just you partner and kids be away over Christmas so you can simply say you are away for Christmas? That cottage sounds nice x

If they've volunteered you as hostess, then they absolutely should be contributing. Just because you have the bigger house does not mean it should all be down to you.

Give them a choice, either everyone chips in or you'll be going out for Christmas dinner. If neither of these options work then they are quite welcome to stay home and sort themselves out.

I host my family every year as our house is the only one big enough. It’s 9 people in total. You’re not wrong – it quickly turns not fun. My sister has suggested this year we do a picky buffet instead of traditional Christmas dinner and I’m really looking forward to trying that out.

They don't even need to bring it with them, they could arrange a delivery, book a food shop to arrive at a time convenient for the OP.

Delegate, and give people jobs to do.

I host ..and I get people bringing different courses, or put them in charge of various things that need doing. Ordering a delivery, surf various stuff pre-made - and when I do cook it’s easy stuff … my French Onion Soup is legend, and other that cutting onions, almost cooks itself.

Want a brew … you know where the kitchen is .

You don’t have to do all this stuff for people

Why are you making endless cups
Of tea? Kettles here, help yourself.

I get it though. PIL live abroad, I usually host. I've said no this year. They invited a couple of random friends to join us. Not a chance. They've now got an air bnb nearby and are hosting us but I am not getting involved in any food discussion / ordering / sorting it out. It's on them this year.

Why is MIL against hiring a cottage where you can all stay and muck in? She’s going to be staying in a hotel anyway. Is it just the mucking in she doesn’t want?

Can you talk to your dh about it and say that you really have had enough and it’s not fair that your bil never takes a turn.

could you drive over to your bil for the day? Offer to be the one who drives so can’t drink with dinner. Then spend Boxing Day alone. Or say you’ll host for Boxing Day only.

Make them help.

treat it as though you’re at a cottage if that dynamic works and you don’t get stuck catering there!

eg online shop that everyone has a link to and then split the bill. Maybe adjust for travel for those coming a long way but you don’t have to pay for it all

either allocate meals or jobs. ‘Oh, well I’m working until 3 on Xmas eve so while I’m out in the morning could you prep x y z and pop it in the fridge then I can get the potatoes done when I get back.’

don’t allow them to sit on the sofa and demand drinks. If they’re like that then get a small coffee table and put drinks glasses on it near them for the duration. Run out of teabags if necessary

Tbh, I think it’d unlikely you’d get a cottage for this year any way.

If they were to help/contribute, would you be happy to host? I can’t imagine going somewhere for Christmas and not helping out in some way.

I think you need to be brave and say that in order to host again, things need to change.