AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

Don't you understand what a private room is?

I think given the private room and it is one night then I don't think you are asking too much. Being left alone to see to a baby's needs when all this is brand new is quite stressful. I am sure I would have actually slept better if I were in a private room with Dh there with me. As it was I was on a ward of 4 (EMCS) and all the husbands/partners had to leave at 9pm which was strictly enforced and not allowed back until 9am. Honestly just going to the toilet and leaving the baby unattended was awful. I was in hospital for 4 days. YANBU.

If I recall correctly (it was a long time ago now!) my babies spent their first 24 hours asleep - sleeping off the drugs they ingested whilst being born so I wouldnt worry too much about needing your dh assistance that first night. Plus at the hospital where I had mine - partners werent ever allowed to stay overnight (even if in a private room). Plus if he stays with you overnight he will be less useful the next day........... when the painkillers will start to subside? And baby will be more wakeful - so you'll want more help.

Of course you're not being unreasonable! It's the norm here in the US, since all birthing rooms are private. There is always a large, padded chair that folds out into a bed large enough for a man. Birthing floors are patrolled by security for the protections of babies and mums, and I've never heard of any incidents.

Given that 65% of all maternity services in the UK have been declared UNSAFE for women, yes I would have him there. People need to wake up to the state of our so called health “service”

You have single rooms.

The hospital actively encourages partners to stay.

The hospital has a poor rating.

I think that’s code for they EXPECT partners to stay - and to want to stay - and help you. You’ll be at a disadvantage if he doesn’t and yes, a private room is great but you’re also on your own proper, if they aren’t answering a buzzer there’s no one to help at all.

He stays!!!!

as for sleep - um you will be the one awake all night I’m sure, he will be able to sleep fgs - but you’ll have someone to call if you need to. Just like it will be at home, so best he gets used to it!!!

Mine did - had it at 8.30am and still couldn’t walk gone 2am.

My husband slept in his car in the car park. I had a private room, but just assumed he would not be allowed to stay and so he didn’t. This was before Covid.

The nurse did move my buzzer out of reach and I still couldn’t walk, so had to call him at 5am to help sort the baby.

Have you asked the hospital if he can even stay? I don’t think it’s allowed is it?

She isn’t being a drama queen at all. I didn’t even have a c section but my stomach muscles had been so stretched by pregnancy that I found it hard to pick my baby up for weeks after birth! I’d have loved the option of having my partner stay with me. It would actually be more helpful to staff if op has her partner in with her as she won’t be calling for help as much! He wouldn’t even be ‘under their feet’ as they have a private room. Op, you aren’t being unreasonable in the slightest.

let him go home. The other mums don’t want to listen to him snoring and he’s going to get a terrible night sleep on a chair.

I'm envious of the women who didn't struggle overnight post c-section. I had an EMCS and my husband had to leave within half an hour or so due to covid regs. When I say that I couldn't twist in bed to pick up baby from the crib, I literally couldn't. I couldn't use my stomach muscles to pull me upright at all so was entirely reliant on someone to pass me the baby. No one came. It was up there with the worst nights of my life. With my second I had a vbac and cheerfully sent my husband home to get some sleep, so I know it can be done, but the c section can be brutal.

I had an ELCS and was on the ward in the evening. We had a private recovery room for a few hours but you don’t stay there. He was turfed out at 8pm and not allowed back until
morning. Check if he’s allowed to stay because that would be unusual, but if he is allowed then he should. It’d make life easier for you as it’s tough getting up and down when baby needs you

If you’ve got no kids at home this is a perfectly reasonable request. Like to see your DH looking after a baby after a surgery. It’s very painful I’d imagine. I didn’t have a C section but have had 3 stomach surgeries and I said after each one that I don’t know how women manage to look after a newborn and recover. So no, not unreasonable at all.

Well no, gone are the days where women stayed in hospital for a week or more, got fed properly, it was quiet and controlled instead of a raving madhouse full of people listening to til tok shit at full volume, in a place with a proper staffing ratio.

They actively encourage Partners to stay.

My cousin had her youngest recently by c-section, she was at wirral women and childrens hospital, she was meant to be in a bay for 6 hours but it was full so she was taken straight to her room, its all individual rooms there. Her partner was planning to go home, but had to return after she was ignored for well over an hour, when a member of staff finally picked her baby up for her who had been crying for an hour she moved the buzzer out of reach. So when she returned to the hospital she stayed with her until discharge as it was the only way to prevent my cousin causing damage to herself and for the baby to actually be fed, changed and comforted.

I guess thats the down side of private rooms, for staff who are neglectful it makes their behaviour easier.

I find this mindset so strange. Birth is a huge event, vaginal or c-section. It’s natural to want help after going through birth! Being alone after having a baby is a pretty recent phenomenon if you think about it.

If you have your own room ( presumably with en-suite ?) then ok but generally speaking I am against men staying overnight in wards . When DD had her last baby the partner of the woman in the next bed made DD and another woman very uncomfortable by staring and frequently wandering around supposedly stretching his legs but openly staring . Eventually he was asked to leave . Cue tantrum but the safety of vulnerable women is paramount.
If your DH insists on going home I am sure the staff will help . They were wonderful with both my DDs .

i had a c section and the hospital I was in even with private rooms required partners to go home overnight. Think that personally I was glad of that though as my husband could come in with extra snacks for me each day and was well rested and allowed me to get proper rest in the day time. The midwives were fantastic overnight. if we had both been strung out in the daytime then it would have been awful in that first day or two. At least at home you can properly take turns getting rest, it’s much more difficult in a hospital.
However, I saw you’re worried about hospital rating and whether midwives would help. If that’s a concern then your husband may need to bear in mind that the spinal block takes time to fade off for you to have leg mobility (for me it was a full 12 hours before I have enough mobility to sit up and a couple more hours to be confident to walk). It may be one you need to judge in the moment and depends on time of day of your c section. If morning and you have mobility by evening, I think your DH going home to rest would be very beneficial for you to rest properly day time and him take over.

It’s not that unusual either for NHS hospitals to allow fathers to stay. I had my 3rd baby at the birthing centre which was situated within the hospital grounds and fathers were encouraged to stay (I was discharged after 3hrs so didn’t stay)

Only speaking from my own experience, my partner went home the first night after an emergency section ( possibly different recovery?) and i really struggled to lift my baby and do much of anything else. I had to keep having assistance from the midwives which should be fine but on reflection afterwards I felt they made me feel like a bit of a pest. This was also my first child (maybe if I had been an experienced mom, I would have managed better?) I think if you want him there, he should be there.

So if you’re so convinced you’re right @Netball01 why post? 66% think you’re being unreasonable, but you clearly don’t and didn’t think so… what were you hoping for from this post? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm with you OP. I found it quite traumatic being left on my own after giving birth (he wasn't allowed to stay) I will add that I was a relatively young mum and had quite a quick birth that was a bit of a shock, but still. It was about 4am and I found it really daunting. It was one of the main reasons as to why we opted for a home birth second time around.

there are no wards at my hospital

Which hospital is this with no wards?

it seems bizarre to me that you have chosen a hospital with no wards/only private rooms where they encourage partners to stay the night, for your husband to then not actually want to do that. That’s a really unusual set up in the hospital. It’s not ‘controversial’ whether partners spend the night or not, it’s simply not usually allowed in most hospitals.

Does he know anything about the hospital you have chosen?

I’ll be honest. If my partner didn’t want stay, I wouldn’t make him.