Page 30 | AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

Skybluepinky · 22/09/2024 12:30

They normally go home, sounds like u r stressing.

ICanFeelItComingInTheAirTonight · 22/09/2024 12:33

Had my last DC, in 2018, by EMCS, and partners were encouraged to stay, on a ward, with other mums and partners (no private rooms).
I'm a very strong minded, independent adult, but I couldn't have coped without my DP! Not only do you have a catheter attached, you are also attached to a canula, and did you miss the great big wound right across the abdomen???? He had to pass my our DD, change her, put her back in her cot...
@Netball01 I think you should talk to your DH husband again, find out what he'll be sleeping on and go from there.
And to all the vile people on here, shame on you! It's not the OP who has a problem! So much for "if you can be anything....be kind" etc!
@Netball01 also, if he really won't stay with you, could anyone else? A friend or family member perhaps?

Codlingmoths · 22/09/2024 12:39

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/09/2024 10:44

A fullish night then - that’s the most splitting hairs reply I thing I’ve ever seen in her.

He takes the night shift and goes home to sleep the next day, in essence.

If the OP is woken every now and then by people coming in to do obs that’s not the same as caring for the new born. Other people are saying few obs happen at night anyway, and as my youngest is 10 I don’t know how the land lies now.

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i know, even if they are woken for obs tell me when the obs involve asking the op to get up and lift a 4kg weight then change it and return the weight to the crib. The dh there to do all that is still a huge help.

Codlingmoths · 22/09/2024 12:43

Completelyjo · 22/09/2024 09:29

If every mother had their partners staying overnight wards would be full of men overnight. They’re not so one must assume most women are managing.

The vast majority of women I known had their partner stay with them overnight.

my ward was full of partners. Can’t say I paid any attention. Dh ran into two of my baby groups partners as their wives had also just had a baby, they weren’t in our ward so I assume that was completely typical and was exactly the same with my second.

Greytulips · 22/09/2024 13:50

*Wow your standards for a partner are in the gutter^

Husband earns 6 figures, pays all the bills, during term time would take a days holiday to be with sick children, he had them Saturday’s so I could rest, lie in, catch up on housework etc, he did all the washing, still does, brings me a cup of tea every morning, arranges holidays and does a lot of the admin - we both work full time and share cared the kids and housework.

I am practical and independent, always have been. He was up two nights during labour, hardly slept in an uncomfortable chair, and needed sleep.

It’s not always about ‘you’ sometimes men have priorities too, and he knew I’d be perfectly capable of looking after twins in a hospital bed. He took 2 weeks paternity leave and I asked him to go back to work and save the time for later - and he know I’d be fine and could cope.

Not sure how I have particularly low standards.

DelilahRay · 22/09/2024 13:59

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Withdrawn at the request of the user.

Jammii · 22/09/2024 14:02

Greytulips · 22/09/2024 13:50

*Wow your standards for a partner are in the gutter^

Husband earns 6 figures, pays all the bills, during term time would take a days holiday to be with sick children, he had them Saturday’s so I could rest, lie in, catch up on housework etc, he did all the washing, still does, brings me a cup of tea every morning, arranges holidays and does a lot of the admin - we both work full time and share cared the kids and housework.

I am practical and independent, always have been. He was up two nights during labour, hardly slept in an uncomfortable chair, and needed sleep.

It’s not always about ‘you’ sometimes men have priorities too, and he knew I’d be perfectly capable of looking after twins in a hospital bed. He took 2 weeks paternity leave and I asked him to go back to work and save the time for later - and he know I’d be fine and could cope.

Not sure how I have particularly low standards.

That's nice dear.

You still want to dismiss the OP need for support after birth as being entitled.

And you're happy to insult a whole generation.

Cornflakes44 · 22/09/2024 14:03

YaWeeFurryBastard · 20/09/2024 17:43

I’m also having an ELC and plan on insisting my husband goes home to get a good night’s sleep even though he’s said he’s more than happy to stay.

I want him to be able to safely drive us home from the hospital and help me a lot around the house/do everything when I get back and that will be much easier on a good night’s sleep. He wouldn’t even have a proper bed to sleep in at the hospital!

It's likely she will have an easier time/ better nights sleep if her husband is there to help. No- one is well rested in the first few months of having a baby. Why should her husbands sleep be protected not hers? Men have it so easy.

Jammii · 22/09/2024 14:13

@Greytulips this is also about an ELCS. Does not include 2 night of sleepless labour beforehand.

He is suggesting being there for the operation then going home as he needs to rest.

The standard are low for the people who see this man's rest as more important than this lady who want support and calling her all sorts of names

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2024 14:34

Cornflakes44 · 22/09/2024 14:03

It's likely she will have an easier time/ better nights sleep if her husband is there to help. No- one is well rested in the first few months of having a baby. Why should her husbands sleep be protected not hers? Men have it so easy.

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Exactly.

No one is well rested when a baby is born. That’s just the way it is and it applies to dads too.

MrRobinsonsQuango · 22/09/2024 14:46

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2024 14:34

Exactly.

No one is well rested when a baby is born. That’s just the way it is and it applies to dads too.

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Quite. He might as well get used to being tired as it is inevitable

joolsella · 22/09/2024 15:15

My partner stayed with me....but we knew that all rooms on the mat ward are private

He stayed on a blow up bed

We both had a terrible sleep but id had a spine block so i couldn't move

And we were in the hospital for approx 24 hours

Girlmumma1912 · 22/09/2024 15:57

I do see both sides.

with my first baby, my husband didn’t want to leave my side. He’d been awake about 48 hours by the time we got home, with an hour or 2’s sleep in a rather uncomfortable looking chair!

I just had a c-section last week.. whilst I would have loved for him to be able to stay (and birth partners are allowed to stay on the postnatal ward) to help me lift baby & put him down overnight, he couldn’t as we had our little girl to think of back home & no spare room for someone to stay with her over night! so he stayed with me as late as possible and made sure his phone was on so if I needed him I could contact him.

after 2 nights in hospital, the journey home was horrible thanks to the CS wound. But I’m glad he’d been home and got a much better nights sleep to get us home safely

it would be nice if he wanted to, but at the same time, him being able to go home and get a good nights sleep before you come home (and be able to safely drive you both home) is also important.

Silverfoxette · 22/09/2024 17:07

I think if they’re encouraging your husband to stay and there are no other children at home to go home to, he should stay. There must be a reason they seem to be encouraging this.

quirkyquerty · 22/09/2024 18:11

No problem if it's your own room, even if he only has a chair for the night, if you'd like him there to support you, then I think he ought to. I know my husband would have stayed if I had asked him to.

WhiteJasmin · 22/09/2024 22:02

Meltdown247 · 21/09/2024 21:58

I’m not. I’m being realistic.
I am also very clear, this is a team event. Her DH being fresh for next few days of her recovery is paramount. Two overtired parents won’t help her recovery. Get him rested and advocating for her and looking after her at home ASAP. He is fresher, having got some sleep and ready to pick up the care. Meanwhile the nurses at the hospital are literally employed to help her through this first stage in hospital and strangely thousands of us every day managed with our amazing nurses supporting us. If they had to deal with a queue of tired birth partners trying to get a paracetamol for their tired new mums at the nurses station all night nothing would get done and then buzzers really would get missed.

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If the husband can't manage one night because his rest is so important (even though he wasn't the one birthing the child), then he will be in for a rude awakening. OP is the one who went through surgery, OP should get the sleep to help her body recover. Once OP is able to move pain-free, a tag team approach to sleep is more appropriate. Stop shaming women and take your high and mighty attitude elsewhere.

Sapphire387 · 22/09/2024 22:15

I'm worried for you, OP. If your husband thinks it's acceptable to ignore your request for him to stay after you've just given birth by having surgery because he needs his rest... it's not looking like he's going to shape up to be an equal parent. I'm sorry to say this but he's being selfish. YANBU at all to want him to stay with you.

My husband stayed with me after my c-section. In a ward, not a private room. Every other woman there had her partner or a relative stay in. Only on mumsnet do I see people so outraged by the concept.

Gogogo12345 · 22/09/2024 22:26

Simonjt · 22/09/2024 08:50

If its in the wirral she may experience what my cousin recently did, buzzer taken off her and clipped to the wall so she couldn’t use it, babies crib out of reach (she wasn’t able to lift the baby, but not the point), no water or any food on her table which again was out of reach anyway. No toilet roll or hand soap in the toilet in her en-suite or in the visitors toilet.

Refused any pain relief and told if she needed some she could buy her own paracetamol. A catheter that wasn’t fitted properly so she was laying her own urine. Ignored for hours on end despite shouting for help when staff passed by her door. In the end she had to call her partner who had to find middle of the night childcare, by this time their baby hadn’t been fed for nearly six hours, my cousin hadn’t had any food or water either.

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This is the issue. What's the views on husbands staying ( I didn't even have my 2 DDdad at the birth and would've gathered DSdad hadn't been at his) but it's the piss poor care in hospitals and the staff seem to be doing everything they can to palm off actually as much of the care of their patients as possible to other people. It's a bloody disgrace

Mayana1 · 22/09/2024 23:45

Netball01 · 20/09/2024 17:37

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

I had an emergency C section, didn't plan for it. My husband had to go home (it was in Jan 2022 and still post covid they were not allowed to stay) my baby slept through, they helped me with everything. I was actually happy it was only 2 of us, we needed that time for bonding and when he came back he occupied him totally, so I didn't even get a chance to hold him. I was fine and happy to have some alone time while he was sleeping.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 23/09/2024 20:54

OP, just because one can do something does not mean they must. If you were on your own, no partner, friends, family it would be one thing. But, my god, you have someone. Please ignore the nasties here. Clearly there is a lot of bitterness. Tell your partner you need help, support and to get used to stepping up.

WhiteJasmin · 23/09/2024 21:53

I hope OP reads the posts to know it is perfectly reasonable for husband to be in the hospital with her. The results are just sad reflection of the level of expectation women have.

It doesn't matter if OP "would survive" being by herself. She's going through major surgery and she wants assistance to recover. If her husband needed a major surgery, she would most likely volunteer to sleep overnight if she could to help. Why do people expect women to be "independent" and look after a baby by herself overnight after a surgery? Bizarre.

I have experienced major surgeries and coped well and told my husband I will be alright overnight. But I won't go around telling other people to be "independent" and not ask for support. It's only one night and the husband can "toughen up" as well.

Mandaxx25 · 27/09/2024 14:36

Yes you're being unreasonable. He's not the patients, you and baby are. Midwives are not so stretched that they can't help you with your little one. What do you think us parents of more than 1 do? I was in hospital for 5 days with my last and nobody came to see me. My husband couldn't even come because he had the kids and kids aren't allowed on the wards at all in winter. No one to mind them for him either. You're a grown woman you'll be fine for one night. Plenty of us have a child or two ill while nursing a newborn through the night and neither parent gets any sleep to then be up with the rest in the morning. I'm not trying to say I'm better than you or anything, just trying to show you that others are dealing with a lot more and able to.

Completelyjo · 27/09/2024 14:47

@Mandaxx25 Midwives are not so stretched that they can't help you with your little one.

What year did you give birth?

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/09/2024 17:43

Mandaxx25 · 27/09/2024 14:36

Yes you're being unreasonable. He's not the patients, you and baby are. Midwives are not so stretched that they can't help you with your little one. What do you think us parents of more than 1 do? I was in hospital for 5 days with my last and nobody came to see me. My husband couldn't even come because he had the kids and kids aren't allowed on the wards at all in winter. No one to mind them for him either. You're a grown woman you'll be fine for one night. Plenty of us have a child or two ill while nursing a newborn through the night and neither parent gets any sleep to then be up with the rest in the morning. I'm not trying to say I'm better than you or anything, just trying to show you that others are dealing with a lot more and able to.

Have you had a baby recently? Midwives are absolutely stretched.

OP doesn’t have any other children so it’s irrelevant. DH can stay and should want to stay to support his wife who will have just had surgery to have his baby.

WhiteJasmin · 27/09/2024 20:21

Mandaxx25 · 27/09/2024 14:36

Yes you're being unreasonable. He's not the patients, you and baby are. Midwives are not so stretched that they can't help you with your little one. What do you think us parents of more than 1 do? I was in hospital for 5 days with my last and nobody came to see me. My husband couldn't even come because he had the kids and kids aren't allowed on the wards at all in winter. No one to mind them for him either. You're a grown woman you'll be fine for one night. Plenty of us have a child or two ill while nursing a newborn through the night and neither parent gets any sleep to then be up with the rest in the morning. I'm not trying to say I'm better than you or anything, just trying to show you that others are dealing with a lot more and able to.

You are unreasonable to have a husband. How do you think how all the single parents manage with multiple kids by themselves? Why have a partner? Argument so flawed.

Your choice to have multiple kids and your husband can't help you. OP's husband just can't be bothered to sacrifice one night to help his wife. He's a grown man so why don't you tell him to man up to be a supportive husband and father?