AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

Honestly if the hospital review is that bad I'd be going to a different hospital rather than looking at DH to pick up the slack

We were actually discussing women's health today at work.
It's sad really the expectations we put on our selves and otgers to "cope" by either having a pain-free birth or not needing ant support post birth.
I mean, obviously it's great if that is a personal experience, but the judgement and shame as women we put on other women for needing help or feeling vulnerable is horrible.

I sent my DH home the first night because I had 1:1 midwife care due to complications and it was fine. If I hadnt had that it would have been dreadful, I couldn’t even reach over to pick up my DC, I was in so much pain. It made sense for us for him to get a good nights sleep. I now live in a civilized country that doesn’t have the dreadful shared wards of the NHS (great to hear your hospital is moving away from that!) and would want DH to stay. Over here they generally provide a spare bed for partners.

If he’s ever stayed out until 3am for a night out and driven the next day or slept on a friend’s sofa just for the fun of it it seems crazy he can’t do it the day you have major abdominal surgery.
You won’t be up all night before as it’s a planned operation so he should be fine with a little less sleep.
It seems insane to suspect that he would leave your private room and wander the wards at night.

Unless they're all in private rooms where the person recovering from surgery is also looking after a newborn, I don't think the comparison really holds.

It's like a badge of honour on here to do things as miserably as possible and say you 'coped'.

My quoting did not work!

No totally unfair in the other mums.

My husband was in Afghanistan for the birth and came to the hospital when dd was 2 days old. He didn't stay over.

Also had emergency c section

Yes!! This with bells on! Just because you did it even though it was hideous, doesn’t mean it was right!

I know, I'm embarrassed for them.

I had a c section recently, and stayed in a private room but DH was not allowed overnight. It was traumatic. My section was in the late afternoon so I couldn't get up yet by the evening. Not for water or anything. Midwives were not helpful. I got zero sleep. Zero. It was the worst night of my life. DH was really upset to leave me there. The 2nd night I sobbed for an hour when it was approaching the time for DH to go home for the night.

However, I'd have your mum there or someone who will actually help. Your DH is a knob who will make it worse.

Personally couldn't give a shit what crappy behaviour another woman chooses to accept from her husband/partner.

I find your desire to make other women suffer because you did embarrassing and quite pathetic. Just because you coped, doesn't mean the next person will.
Save your embarrassment and judgement for yourself.

It's hard to say now how you'll feel - depends on the time of day you have the section, how your recovery goes, how much pain you're in, how much attention your baby needs and how supportive the hospital is staffed to be.

I think I would say to him that if you're comfortable and confident that you and your baby will be well looked after of course you would let him go home to rest. But at the same time say that it's very possible that won't be the case. And if you or your baby genuinely need him to be there then you need to be absolutely confident that he will be there for you both, recognising that you and your baby will be particularly vulnerable that one night out of your lives, and so need to be his priority.

Why would he be wandering around other women’s rooms ?! What a bizarre attitude

MN is broadly anti-men overnight in maternity wards and the answers you get here will reflect that, but my real world experience of having actually given birth in a hospital (where one overnight visitor was allowed) in the past 2 years is that the overwhelmingly majority of women in those circs will have their own male partners in with them. If I’d asked here beforehand, I think I’d have been surprised at the reality, because opinion here trends in a different direction.

All of this is obviously otiose because you have your own room anyway! If he wants to sleep, can he not disappear to do that at some point early during the day when you’ve got more chance of attracting the attention of a midwife? That’s what my husband did during our own 3 day stay.

It's all down to insecurity, bitterness and low self esteem. Happy, healthy functional people don't need to tear each other down.

There's no other major abdominal surgeries where the patient would be expected to look after a newborn baby by themselves straight away.

Elective c sections are great! I had an emergency one and struggled with moving after but after my elective I was fine. Baby was born at 2pm and I was up and having a shower at 10pm that night. No issues picking baby up. Very jealous that you get a private room!

On one hand he should get a decent night's sleep so at least one of you isn't sleep deprived the next day. On the other hand if you are worried about the standard of care then he may be useful to have around. Tricky one OP, awful really that the quality of care makes you and lots of other women have no confidence in the hospital. That's very sad. On balance I would probably want him there.

I had an elcs too and my partner didn't stay (I was in a 4 bed bay). I was fine looking after the baby overnight. Just make sure to ask the nurses for painkillers if you need them but I didn't need any extras as the routine ones were pretty strong. You have the baby in a little wheeled crib beside you so you don't really need to get up to deal with anything anyway.

I was happy for him to go and get a decent sleep and make sure everything was ready for us coming home. It was so I immediately handed off the baby to him and went for a good nap in my own bed!

I feel like it’s a small majority of husbands who will be in Afghanistan. Especially now, but I assume you mean before the withdrawal.

I think he gets a pass!

Exactly!
It's horrible behaviour, I suffered so you should too.

My husband went home after our first, but I wanted him to. It worked well for us as the 2nd night was worse than the first and my blood loss had a bigger effect so he actually stayed awake all night with her bottle fed which hadn't been my intention but I couldn't stop shaking and was quite unwell after a traumatic birth.

I also quite liked the time just me and baby, I had a.spinal anaesthetic like you will have for the c section so did have to buzz the midwife if she needed a nappy change as I couldn't walk however we were on half hourly obs so this meant I was constantly being disturbed anyway.

It's an individual decision but generally newborns are exhausted from being born on the first night and the second night is generally when you have more of a traditional newborn night as you would imagine from my experience and others that I know.

I had a private room for both births and sent my H home after both.

I needed him rested to help when we were out of the hospital. Both births left me with birth injuries. One of them was quite severe.

It wasn't a case of being a martyr either, I was thinking longer term. I absolutely needed him to be as rested as possible because I was out of it, and at least at the hospital, I was able to have midwives come and help.

Even though partners were allowed to stay on the ward, they had a list of dos and don'ts (even though we had a private room) and were encouraged by the midwives to leave for the night and were able to return early in the morning.

Giving birth, is hard and painful. However, baby is delivered. The first few weeks are exhausting. Having a strong, rested and mentally stable partner helps beyond what my feeble words can even begin to describe.

Why should you both suffer and be tired when you don't have to be?