AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

I would have killed for DH to have been there overnight, especially with my first. I was shell shocked post a difficult birth, sore, bleeding and struggling with breastfeeding. I have never felt so alone and vulnerable in my life. The midwives just didn’t come. The postnatal ward was hell on earth tbh, one of the worst experiences of my life. In your situation (private rooms) I’d absolutely want my husband there.

I really don't understand all these posts suggesting that it's ridiculous that the DH should stay overnight.

The only reason it's not the norm in the UK is because of the system of wards where it is not appropriate having the other mothers exposed to random strange men overnight.

If you have private rooms it makes much more sense to have an extra person with you the first night or two. OP do you have a sister or a friend who could step in if DH won't?

I gave birth in the US, and of course it's all private there and if you have good insurance you get a fairly good experience. The maternity unit had a chair that converted into a bed in each room for the partners of the mothers. My DH stayed both nights. (Our insurance gave us 2 nights stay for a vaginal birth, and 4 for a CS)

Okay, that’s a valid point. It’s pretty appalling that in a so called sophisticated country, maternity services have worsened, rather than improved over the decades.

I find it a bit off that he's already making it about him needing a good night's sleep that first night.. In fairness I found with both of mine that they actually slept very well the first night. Mine were also natural births, and quick recoveries so I didn't find lifting a problem or anything. However with my second I had to stay in unexpectedly due to various complications, we had private rooms and my husband absolutely would have stayed but had to be with our other daughter. I was so exhausted after having to spend the best part of a week there on my own, with the baby barely sleeping at night because she would wake every time I put her down, I was at breaking point long before they finally discharged us! Does he not get any paternity leave or something? Even then I don't think this justifies him already deciding not to stay.

My DC are 29 and 26. Maternity services were pretty appalling even then. The difference being that the staff squealed at the midwife station and complained about overwork whilst not being particularly hard pressed. My ds was born on Christmas day and for the next three days there were more midwives than mothers on the post natal ward. They were, however, idle rather than busy. They simply did not want to lift a finger.

I had a spinal block, dc was born early hours of the morning, and the hospital sent Dh home around 3 am. I'm can't remember how on earth I managed that night now tbh. 😳

Because she’ll be having a section ffs and won’t be able to do a lot things and the hospital is crap in care so the father can help her like he should. Op can be alone at home in familiar surroundings that’s where she can start not when she’s at her most vulnerable at the mercy of crap hospital staff

plus nurses take buzzer from you and this has been stated in this thread numerous times, that some don’t give a shit and your fucked if you’ve had a section as you can’t exactly move without pain and not minor pain either

I was in labour and they sent mine home to get some sleep! They then had to call him to come straight back. I had to have an ECS and they handed him the baby. Luckily it was then visiting hours but he went home the minute they were over. It's so Mums can practise breastfeeding and bleed in peace - and get some sleep! He won't be allowed to stay overnight but you'll have (tired) nurses to help you with things. They do understand if you've had a C Section although they might be a bit grumpy until they realise. I panicked a bit on my first nappy change and once they understood that they were lovely.

OP has already explained that dads are encouraged to stay at night as all women have private rooms at her hospital.

Of course your husband should stay with you. You have a private room and the hospital encourages it which means they want him to stay so he can help you and the baby. You are NOT being a drama queen. The fact that you had to remind people 15 times that you have a private room and the hospital allows, even encourages, partners to stay overnight tells you all you need to know about the people making the negative comments.

Why does another female need to step in? Won’t they get tired as well?

If he’s already saying things like this about the first night with the baby I would worry that he’s not planning on pulling his weight as a parent at all. After all there’s “no point” in both of you having disrupted sleep so you might as well do all of the night feeds by yourself. You’re not being unreasonable. You need to make it clear to him that this attitude of his is completely unacceptable and he won’t get away with it.

OP
please ignore all the horrific negativity from people. I don’t know why people are so condescending
and I’m sorry that they’ve made you feel bad about yourself

Having worked in the hospital, doing nights, I observed many women sobbing their eyes out alone with the midwives not being able to help them/overstretched, and them not being able to care for their babies properly on the first night due to pain, hormones, issues with breast feeding etc. unfortunately as I was not part of their obstetric/medical team aside from a kind word all I could do to help the women was to alert the midwife in charge that these women needed help.
the policy at the hospitals I’ve worked is that partners can’t stau
so you should keep your husband if you feel it will be a comfort or help to you.
even if it’s for moral support
snd explain to your husband your feelings about being left alone
maybe ask a family member to be there for all of you when you come home with the baby, that will take the pressure off you and your husband. Sending lots of best wishes to you :)

When my mum gave birth (she would be in her 60s now) she stayed in hospital for a lovely week just to recover , the midwives looked after me and allowed her to sleep, the ward had a photographer go around on the final day take pictures of her and her first born :) Husbands didn’t need to be involved or stay on the wards then but care has gone down hill for mothers and so mothers rely much more on their partners or relatives for help now.

I think a lot of posters haven't had children in decades and still think maternity care is like how your mum experienced it.

I've had 2 emc and having elective next month. He's never stayed I've had my own room each time too I've just never felt the need for him to and with obs overnight 3 hourly what's the point in both of us having no sleep.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing she's not going to be left to sleep all night due to her obs and babies every few hours and what if she's feeding? There's no way even if not BF or no obs I'd of been able to sleep through the night due to the pain

I had a C-section ‘ I feel that is unrealistic to expect your husband to do that. I had my baby fed her settled her had tea & toast we both slept. Next day I had a shower walked the corridor with her fed her changed her . Husband went home came back. Better to have a husband who has had sleep can help at home and is safe to drive home! Yes it’s a little sore but if you are sensible it’s fine. It’s not a disability it is a medical procedure.

Better to have a mum, sister or friend than no one. OP has had messages from others who have used the same hospital to say that a support person is definitely needed - if DH refuses what is the OP to do?

I absolutely think the DH should do it, if he won't then the OP needs a plan B so that she doesn't spend the next week worrying.

It's a hospital. They have plenty of people there whose job it is to help you if you are unable to do anything.

I guess if he has his own bed like others are suggesting, that's fine but other than that you are both better off getting as much rest as you can, not as little.

How will the OP be getting as much rest as she can if she is the sole carer for a newborn, while exhausted and in pain after her major abdominal surgery?
Seems like the DH is the least needing of the rest out of the two.

Is it just me who things you shouldn’t be allowed to comment if you had babies over a decade ago and certainly not when it was decades ago, or if you’ve never had a c section??
It’s so clear some posters have absolutely no idea what they are talking about!

Anyway, OP ignore the noise of this thread. Your bigger concern is not Susan who thinks the midwives take your baby when you need a rest or pass you the baby when you can’t reach down into the bassinet.
Your biggest problem is what your DH views as his role, it sounds like he’s going to think much of the parenting is your job not him. You need to be talking about this now and setting expectations before you’re shattered 6 weeks into having a baby and he doesn’t do anything because none of his friends wives needed help with the baby.

I was replying to a poster who had to go to ICU.
You do not have a baby there.

So baby can either go with father or be transfered to NICU. You will not get a cot at ICU. Only on maternity ward where majority of c sections go.