AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

Personally I would've loved it if my husband could've stayed with me after my section. He wanted to too.
I was in a ward after with 9 other women and he was sent home at 9pm and allowed back at 9am the next day. I couldn't physically get my baby in and out of her cot for feeds and at one point fell asleep with my baby on me and the nurse had to come and take her off me. Your epidural will likely still be in full force so you won't be able to move.
you're going to need all the help you can get and your recovery is more important than him getting one last good nights sleep.

I think your husbands right. I’d prefer mine to get a good nights sleep, so he can help when the adrenaline wears off. I also wouldn’t want him over tired driving me and baby home the next day.

I ended up staying for 5 nights after a section and I’m so grateful my husband could stay. Baby stopped breathing at 5am and was rushed to NICU - I wouldn’t have coped alone following major surgery.
we had a private room (NHS) and he slept on an armchair for the first night, brought in our own blow up airbed for the rest of our stay. He did go home for a few hours during the day to have a decent shower, a quick nap and to grab more baby bits and some food, but otherwise he didn’t leave my side.

lol. So he can help his wife and child. It's not about giving dh attention.

I would wait and see how you feel. I do agree him being knackered isn't a great start, and he might be more useful having slept.

DH went home after dd1 because he had to and I was fine. After dd2, he couldn't stay because he had a toddler to look after and actually I could have done with him staying. So it could go either way.

As an aside I do worry for the reading comprehension skills of the population. I'm not sure how the OP could have been clearer about the private room.

Our new maternity hospital is all individual private rooms and the new QEUH in Glasgow is mostly single rooms. All NHS.

Some of these comments are totally wild.

Different trusts will do different things BUT some of the things I have read are totally misleading about all the trusts I know about. I'm sure there are more as I didn't read them all but main ones I saw...

1. There are absolutely midwives on the postnatal ward. It is staffed with midwives, maternity support workers and health care assistants and often students who are excellent. On a very rare basis my trust will get a nurse on an overtime shift to help with medications ect but nurses are not trained in breastfeeding, checking blood loss post delivery, baby checks or observations ect. They are ADULT nurses so can provide no care to the newborn.

1. NICU will not take the baby to "help" if partner has gone home. They will if let's say the mother is in ICU and there is no other partner, SERIOUS social care involvement or something but that is it, they are busy, they just cant take a baby who isn't unwell. On a night shift I often will offer to have an hour of baby cuddles to let a mum sleep if I am not busy but that is it.

1. MOST partners stay if they have the choice to with somewhere to sleep. I would estimate 90% of first time dad's stay and around 50% of 2nd +. More stay than don't. This is in a hospital that is not private rooms. 4 bed bays. I don't necessarily agree with it but the days don't differ too much to the nights to be honest in a maternity ward so if you are happy for people to have visitors in the day then that is no different at night!

OP. I know I commented earlier but I am genuinely shocked and sad to read the comments here. You are NOT being unreasonable to want your partner with you to help. It is not like you will have been labouring at home in early labour for 3 days and then come in laboured for 20 hours then had a EMCS. In that case (most partners still stay) but I can understand they want to sleep. But if this is an ELCS he will have been sleeping normally. He will still sleep overnight, will just be broken! 1 night won't kill him.

Do whatever is best for YOU and your baby. Ignore all these opinions.

Mine stayed with me after ELCS. I was so incapacitated from PPH I couldn't get out of bed unaided. If he hadn't stayed I wouldn't have had a shower, as the HCA said it wasn't their job to help... I also wouldn't have had anything to eat as the food was awful and he had to go out to Greggs. I had cannulas in both hands and couldn't do anything. He had to lift baby DS and help me hold him on boob all night. Yes he was tired, but we needed him. There aren't enough staff to give women the help and support they need.

This is the problem -he thinks it’s about him and so do other posters. It’s really not 🤣. He’s not having a medical procedure, his role is to support and advocate. The tiredness is inevitable when you have children. He might as well start as he means to go on. In late pregnancy then sleep was tricky for me so he will start off fresher than his wife anyway 🤷‍♀️

Happy to hear other opinions and experiences but I have been really shocked by the vitriol I’ve received from some posters - been called a controlling drama queen, a snowflake, needy, apparently I need professional help, I need to grow up etc etc. You can see various posts have been deleted.

There are some really nasty women on this site who seem to really enjoy sticking the knife in.

I’ve had quite a few private messages from MNetters who know the hospital I am talking about and had their babies there & have said without a doubt I will need someone with me over night as the staff just don’t have the capacity to help. And yes I know I will be a mother and need to be responsible for my own baby but just for one night when I’m recovering from abdominal surgery, I feel like I might need a bit of support in case I’m struggling to move etc.

Absolutely. If it’s a team event he’s definitely support crew and he should be there.

Fuck me. I'll hold OP down and you can all kick her, yeah?

We had private rooms. NHS. Just lucky.
OP I'd have been really sad if my DH had wanted to go home. Yes we were tired but I really appreciated his support. It wouldn't have crossed his mind to go home. Even with our second it didn't enter our heads for him to go home to be with our toddler for one night.

Id be disappointed in him too. And you aren't being a snowflake or whatever. People on here are legit nutjobs.

I missed the bit where the reason the op wanted him to stay was so she could give him some attention and care? Where did you pull that from? Jesus wept.

The whole point of him being there is to support the OP? He’s meant to be making time for her.

@AnnieSnap thqt is just bloody nasty. Do you also cross the street to push pregnant woman and old people with walking frames over? That’s how you come across. The op will have had an operation. Do you walk though hospital recovery wards telling them all to man the fuck up and look after themselves as they are adults too? Or just online when you can be anonymous and get away with nasty bullying of vulnerable people?

I think Pembury near Maidstone is all private siderooms post delivery. I'm sure there will be a few more.

This

A quick search of your username says you’re 65. Maternity services have changed a lot in the last perhaps 30 years since you gave birth. There’s not a lot of chance staff will have time to help or support you with anything. When you have a csection you can’t move very well as it’s major surgery that cuts through your abdominal muscles. You can’t get out of bed very easily to get your baby or anything else they might need. That’s why it’s a good idea to have overnight support ffs and why the OP’s hospital encourages partners to stay.

I'd definitely want DH to stay if allowed and had a private room.

You'll be exhausted and sore. Once home you can sleep in shifts.

Tbh I'd be upset if he didn't want to stay with his wife and newborn child and thought sleeping was more important

Not true..I was at a large hospital that had individual rooms.

Where do people get off proclaiming stuff they think they know about? It really makes me cross.
My buzzer wasn't answered, I was bloody glad of DH.

Yes I had my 2nd there and they are private rooms (although DH didn't stay that time).

Had my first in Ashford and I had a private room there too but that wasn't the norm.

Gosh you got all that from one post?
What a horrible person you sound.

I'm actually quite horrified at lots of these posts.

I left MN for a while after my first baby because some of the threads were so personal and unpleasant. @Netball01 please ignore them. You are controlling or anything else the competitive martyrs are suggesting.

I would loved to have my husband stay overnight, especially for my first baby. I suffered from anxiety and was petrified of being alone. If there is another bed in the room, then he absolutely should stay. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to be there to support you. My husband was forced to leave me all night, despite me having been awake for 50+ hours and having had an emergency c section. He was kicked out half an hour later. There were enough staff to help me though. I also didn't mind being alone too much because I didn't feel scared or alone with my baby next to me. His presence was exciting and comforting. I just couldn't stop staring at him and fell to sleep holding his hand. It may not be as bad as you think, but the fact that he's made his mind up already os an unsupportive and shit thing to do imo.